Gutted

VfM4meplse

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Just want to post to say thanks for advice to everyone who has posted - even the "tough love" words are necessary and helpful, so thank you for taking the time to respond.

Are you going to leave him then? I ask because it's easier to ignore his bad habits - esp this, which from what you are saying is fantasy rather than an actual affair - and focus on the good side of the relationship. But you also know that he is lazy in the relationship, and taking you for granted.

I know you have made an investment in this relationship that you haven't with others, but it doesn't mean that the next time won't be much, much better. It's going to be hard, but if you can't chalk it down to experience and move on to someone who deserves you, you'll always be on the back foot with this relationship and grateful for whatever crumbs of loving he chooses to throw at you. You know that you are worth more than that.

londonsurrey

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Thanks - I'm pretty sure I agree with that (although I wish it wasn't true) and said something along those lines this morning! Said I was going to move out and he said he didn't want me to. He's really ashamed and has told me he doesn't think there's anything he can say to make it better this time around. (It's all been said before and he messed that up). I think there's a bit of depression there. Could be I'm making excuses... If someone has done something really, really awful, it's kind of hard to look at yourself and your behaviour so easier to deny it? I'm just saying this because I think if I felt very ashamed, I might just wish it away or bury my head in the sand if I thought the situation couldn't be solved or improved. What do you think?

Yes, it is possible there could be a bit of depression there.

Yes, nice girls are brought up to be fair, be nice, be helpful.
He's actually SAYING that he's not going to do ANYTHING to help himself. If he wanted help, he'd stop doing it, not just do it, and oh no, she's discovered me doing it again. He's not seeking counselling, treatment, alternatives. Even if you suggested these things, he'll grudgingly go along, and it won't work because he doesn't WANT it.

So No, you can't HELP someone who doesn't want helping - he wants to stay the same way and you simply to stay. And to shut up a bit please, presumably.

So in the nice girl stakes, you're being perfectly reasonable in being walking away. Being a nice girl doesn't mean being a doormat. You don't have "WIPE YOUR FEET HERE" tatooed on your forehead.

Chalk this one up to a learning experience. When you see him in 10 years' time, you'll feel sorry for the poor girl with him, who didn't get away in time before having a child with him, and him making her feel the way you feel now.

pearl123

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

(It's all been said before and he messed that up). I think there's a bit of depression there. Could be I'm making excuses... If someone has done something really, really awful, it's kind of hard to look at yourself and your behaviour so easier to deny it? I'm just saying this because I think if I felt very ashamed, I might just wish it away or bury my head in the sand if I thought the situation couldn't be solved or improved. What do you think?

If you make excuses for him and stay with him don't be surprised if you life is depressingly Sh.t! ! You'll spend half your life walking around feeling gutted because he has no respect for you.

By the way I do believe that Birdy12 was well within their rights to question if you were another poster publicly on this forum. Posters replying to you were informed then as to whether they wished to continue on not. And I'm grateful for it. Just my opinion.

From your posts it is clear that you are more than able to fight your corner. Now you either leave him which you seem reluctant to do for various reasons or you try and teach him that you deserve respect, which will probably be a waste of time as your time as OH want to please himself not you.

Don't forget sextexting probably is and addiction and fantastic drug to him.

I repeat from earlier if he now seems depressed or withdrawn it cause you caught him emotionally cheating! Nothing more.

And how long before perhaps sextexting is not enough and he wants perhaps sex with someone else? After all he does get his buzz from other women and cheating you. And all this after only a year together!

If someone causes us emotional pain frequently should we make excuses for them. Or should they love us enough to treat us kindly to start with. You know the answer.

antw23uk

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Thanks - I'm pretty sure I agree with that (although I wish it wasn't true) and said something along those lines this morning! Said I was going to move out and he said he didn't want me to. He's really ashamed and has told me he doesn't think there's anything he can say to make it better this time around. (It's all been said before and he messed that up). I think there's a bit of depression there. Could be I'm making excuses... If someone has done something really, really awful, it's kind of hard to look at yourself and your behaviour so easier to deny it? I'm just saying this because I think if I felt very ashamed, I might just wish it away or bury my head in the sand if I thought the situation couldn't be solved or improved. What do you think?

I think his response was probably because he didnt want to reply that he agreed you should move out, he is going through the motions and has hit the self destruct button. .. Sadly he is burying his head in the sand and waiting for you to be the adult (we men can be like that ... no offence intended gents!) and i truely believe you need to look out for number one.

I think you know in your heart that this relationship is not meant to be and in a few months time you will look back, possibly fondly at some of the times you had together but you will look back and know you made the right decision to move on without him.

Ending any kind of relationship is difficult especially if your confidence is knocked and your feeling low. Mole hills look like mountains but i think with the right planning, small and practical steps you can move out and onwards. x

bluebird

Why are you allowing this man to make you so hurt, sad, loney,need i go on.DUMP his sorry !!!! and get your life back on track.He's not considered you at all whilst sexting others.He's a love cheat which ever way you look at it.DUMP HIM FAST before he ruins your life.

Lifeupsidedown

antw23uk wrote: »

I think his response was probably because he didnt want to reply that he agreed you should move out, he is going through the motions and has hit the self destruct button. .. Sadly he is burying his head in the sand and waiting for you to be the adult (we men can be like that ... no offence intended gents!) and i truely believe you need to look out for number one.

Thanks - good to have a male perspective on things. Do you think he's lying when he says he loves me? I think I know deep down, that although what I WANT isn't this, the right thing to do is to leave, which is hard because I saw a future with him.

londonsurrey

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Do you think he's lying when he says he loves me?

What do you think he means by him loving you? That he'll tell everyone that you're together? That he'll show you affection? That he will be that someone for you on Valentine's Day? That he will one day marry you? That you will have children together?

That he will do everything possible to make sure that you're safe and happy? That he will never waste his time, attention and affection on other women? That he will avoid doing things that risk your relationship? That when faced with the threat of you leaving, he will do whatever is necessary to stave off that threat, as opposed to sulking and retreating into apathy?

He says he loves you. Consider what his version of love is compared to what your version is. He probably does think he loves you. Is it possible that you're both speaking slightly different languages with different meanings of love?

Do you think he knows what love actually is? And what has he done to show that he is man enough to love properly?

poorly_scammo

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Do you think he's lying when he says he loves me?

He's either lying to you or himself or both.

VfM4meplse

poorly_scammo wrote: »

He's either lying to you or himself or both.

He may not be. Love to him may be a superficial concept whereas most of us don't take it lightly.

victory

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

I can't kick him out... it's his flat! So option is to leave, which is tricky at moment as I don't have a deposit ready or a first month rent, or a car to shift my stuff! I guess once I've dealt with some feelings and feel a little stronger or more focussed, I'll deal with these practical things. It all seems so sad right now.

What about friends family, work colleagues, can they help you? Anyone with a car that can help you move your stuff?

The more you stay the less stronger you will become...