Gutted

Lifeupsidedown

I’m writing here because I’ve read a few threads and posted and feel I know some of you a little bit. I’ve posted under a new account because I’mscared someone will know who I am and I am so, so ashamed. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my partner over a year, wemoved in quickly and had a tough “transitional period” when we first moved in –just the usual things like TV, mess etc, getting used to compromise. It was during this stage he reverted to a badold habit – sexting. I was horrified todiscover this. I’m scared to admit thereason, because it’s unconventional and hard to get your head round. It’s not because he gets a kick out of it –his dad spoke about women in a very degrading way to him when he was young andhis parents split up. He has a negativeview of “most women”. (yes I know, I ama woman and if I was standing up for women’s rights, I should run a mile). Women who text messages like that aredegrading themselves, he leads them on but never takes action and has nevercheated. I love him though. He told me he could stop and that he wantedme. He did stop. I tried to support him – ask him how he felt,was he missing it or finding it hard to stop. I tried to make it “not a taboo subject”, however, he did feeluncomfortable talking about it. A few weeksafter moving in with him, someone in his family, whom he was close to, killedthemselves. Tried talking to him, hedidn’t want to talk that much. It wasafter the death, 2 months after, that I discovered all of this. For 3 months, he stopped. Periodically, I have checked his phone – whatother way is there of really knowing you’re not being screwed over? 2 days ago, I found texts to one of the oldnumbers – I almost vomited. He says thiswhole thing is not about me, it’s his problem and no matter who I was – asupermodel, fat or thin, this wouldn’t change matters. We both had debts, I’ve helped him with his,he is getting back on track and we’ve both benefitted from moving in to a onebed flat – a very small one, which has its own stresses of course. What’s upset me even more is the way he’sreacted – he says he knows he can’t make it better this time. He doesn’t know why he did it, then said itwas boredom. I asked if he thoughtanyone would put up with this. He saidno. It’s like he gave up withouttrying. This infuriated me – am I notworth fighting for?! What have I everdone to him? What have I done to deservethis? He has apologized. I’m so confused – he is not SHOWING me hecares, not telling me he loves me. Ifeel so worthless and vulnerable, that these are the things I need tohear. I don’t know what the answeris. I suggested “help”. First he agreed, then he said he wouldn’t bekeen to talk to a stranger. If he lovedme and wanted us to work, surely he would be willing to go through anything tomake this work? He likes living with me,I know this and he said I didn’t have to go anywhere – how can I live somewherewhere someone has hurt me like that, no matter how much debt I have or wouldlike to shift? Even though he’sexplained, I still feel I’m not enough and that he’s devaluing our relationshipand what we have between us because he’s sharing private stuff with otherpeople – yes, there have been pictures exchanged but not at the moment becausethe phone is just a crappy one. Is thisfixable? Should I go? Problem is heightened by his family having alink with mine that goes WAY back, although I have known him a much shortertime and been together since I met him. Why should I keep his dirty little secret if we split up and withfeeling the way I do?

poorly_scammo

Sounds to me like you've answered your own questions.

You feel worthless, he won't stop doing this or address the reasons for doing it - there's not much else to say.

I don't know why you're 'ashamed' though. It seems to be you're saying that if you were a better partner this wouldn't have happened which is cobblers from what I've read.

Your call but why stay with someone who makes you feel so awful? Love isn't enough surely.

balletshoes

you are clearly hurting a lot right now.
it seems, from what you've said, that what you want/need from a relationship, your OH is not willing/able to give. It really is that simple, and as you're finding out, on its own, love isn't enough.
Be the grown-up. Make the decision for yourself, discounting what your OH feels. Its your life, not his. You are in control of it, not him nor his action/inaction in your relationship. This will always be the case, whether you are in a relationship thats been going on for a year or 20 years.
Being the grown-up, you must also realise that whatever his "secret" is, he has trusted you with it, so you keep it. No-one likes or respects a blabbermouth. I totally understand that your OH has hurt you, so you want to hurt him, but this will only make you look petty and spiteful to others.

BugglyB

No, I dont think its fixable. He has showed you an unbelievable lack of respect. He's doing that thing where they be as much of an !!!!!!! as they can until you have to dump them.

You are worth fighting for, its just you who will have to do the fighting. You are worth it.

If I was you, I would not tell the wider family why you split, if you are pushed say unreasonable behaviour on his part.

pearl123

Love should be kind, yet your OH not being kind to you by sextexting. Also you appear to be only a year into your relationship. OP - you should be at the lubby dubby stage! Yet he's making your life emotionally painful for you. Only you can decide if your relationship with him is worth continuing.

You say "he is not SHOWING me he cares, not telling me he loves me." If he keep doing this to you - then you've got your answer. Leave. Withdrawing affection from a person whilst otherwise carrying on a relashionship is highly cruel and is a form of abuse.

Make sure you are treated right. You deserve to be.

londonsurrey

You are worth fighting for. You are worth more than this. Unfortunately, unless YOU act on it and remove YOURSELF, you will not always be valued by OTHER people. Look at the other threads where they are complaining about their OH's unreasonable behaviour. They can't change the OH. Addiction to sexting can be on par with many other addictions. The addict doesn't usually change until lots of things are lost - homes, spouses, self respect, and sometimes not even then.

As for the family, just act grown up, "Yes, we broke up. Yes, it's sad. Yes, we really tried. Sorry, it's private. Yes, it's really over. Now, how's your Barry getting on with his car/job/hobby?". Dignity is something you build for yourself. I do feel for you, I've learnt a lot of things the hard way too.

Lifeupsidedown

pearl123 wrote: »

Love should be kind, yet your OH not being kind to you by sextexting. Also you appear to be only a year into your relationship. OP - you should be at the lubby dubby stage! Yet he's making your life emotionally painful for you. Only you can decide if your relationship with him is worth continuing.

You say "he is not SHOWING me he cares, not telling me he loves me." If he keep doing this to you - then you've got your answer. Leave. Withdrawing affection from a person whilst otherwise carrying on a relashionship is highly cruel and is a form of abuse.

Make sure you are treated right. You deserve to be.

Thank you - I mean, in the wake of me discovering all of this - I've told him over and over that not showing me he cares is making things worse. I guess I've put him into a corner and he doesn't feel lovey dovey towards me with this going on... because he's being accused of not caring, he's kind of retreating into a shell because of guilt - I should have explained that.

Lifeupsidedown

londonsurrey wrote: »

You are worth fighting for. You are worth more than this. Unfortunately, unless YOU act on it and remove YOURSELF, you will not always be valued by OTHER people. Look at the other threads where they are complaining about their OH's unreasonable behaviour. They can't change the OH. Addiction to sexting can be on par with many other addictions. The addict doesn't usually change until lots of things are lost - homes, spouses, self respect, and sometimes not even then.

As for the family, just act grown up, "Yes, we broke up. Yes, it's sad. Yes, we really tried. Sorry, it's private. Yes, it's really over. Now, how's your Barry getting on with his car/job/hobby?". Dignity is something you build for yourself. I do feel for you, I've learnt a lot of things the hard way too.

I agree - dignity would be good but I've invested so much in this and saw my life with him that I want him to feel hurt and humiliated, like I do. He's treated me like a fool and it really hurts! I don't think it's the right thing to do though.

elvis86

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

I’ve been with my partner over a year, wemoved in quickly and had a tough “transitional period” when we first moved in –just the usual things like TV, mess etc, getting used to compromise. It was during this stage he reverted to a badold habit – sexting. I was horrified todiscover this. I’m scared to admit thereason, because it’s unconventional and hard to get your head round. It’s not because he gets a kick out of it –his dad spoke about women in a very degrading way to him when he was young andhis parents split up. He has a negativeview of “most women”. (yes I know, I ama woman and if I was standing up for women’s rights, I should run a mile). Women who text messages like that aredegrading themselves, he leads them on but never takes action and has nevercheated.

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

I still feel I’m not enough and that he’s devaluing our relationshipand what we have between us because he’s sharing private stuff with otherpeople – yes, there have been pictures exchanged but not at the moment becausethe phone is just a crappy one.

So, let me get this straight. Your OH sends explicit messages to other women, but not because he gets a kick out of it? Oh no, his motives are far more honourable. He'll have you believe that it's some kind of noble moral crusade against women who degrade themselves like that? Purrrlease! !!!!!! love, he might have eroded your self-respect but surely there are still some brain cells in there somewhere?!

How does he explain sending explicit pictures? Is that all part of his mission to drag these women out of the gutter, too?

Whether or not you decide to stay with this man, at least stop buying his lies and fooling yourself that this is anything other than him getting sexual kicks out of interractions with other women.

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

What’s upset me even more is the way he’sreacted – he says he knows he can’t make it better this time. He doesn’t know why he did it, then said itwas boredom. I asked if he thoughtanyone would put up with this. He saidno. It’s like he gave up withouttrying. This infuriated me – am I notworth fighting for?! What have I everdone to him? What have I done to deservethis? He has apologized.

Oh, that's alright then. He apologised. Stop harping on about it.:cool:

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

I’m so confused – he is not SHOWING me hecares, not telling me he loves me. Ifeel so worthless and vulnerable, that these are the things I need tohear. I don’t know what the answeris. I suggested “help”. First he agreed, then he said he wouldn’t bekeen to talk to a stranger. If he lovedme and wanted us to work, surely he would be willing to go through anything tomake this work? He likes living with me,I know this and he said I didn’t have to go anywhere – how can I live somewherewhere someone has hurt me like that, no matter how much debt I have or wouldlike to shift?

I can barely understand women staying with men who make them feel like that after 30 years of marriage and 3 kids; but your relationship makes you feel that !!!!!! after barely a year?! What hope is there and what reason is there to remain with him if the honeymoon period has nosedived so spectacularly so quickly?

Perhaps the moral of the story is not to be so desperate and rush into living with a guy before you know what he's like.

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Even though he’sexplained

Freudian slip?! He sexplained about his sexting?:D

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Problem is heightened by his family having alink with mine that goes WAY back, although I have known him a much shortertime and been together since I met him. Why should I keep his dirty little secret if we split up and withfeeling the way I do?

Why would you get any satisfaction from everyone knowing that he felt the need to resort to sexting random women whilst in a relationship with you?:o

If I were you I'd just end it and retain your dignity by not telling all and sundry about the reasons. It'll only make you look petty.

londonsurrey

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

he's kind of retreating into a shell because of guilt

That's just adding insult to injury - "I've been caught doing wrong. Looook, I feel really bad. I'm not gonna do anything about putting it right, though. In fact, I'm still going to go on doing the thing I know is wrong. P.S. Now YOU should feel bad that I feel bad."

There's nothing in his guilt that does anything for you. He's just wallowing in it. You're being left to feeling hurt, being shut out, being ignored whilst he carries on.

elvis86

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

I guess I've put him into a corner and he doesn't feel lovey dovey towards me with this going on... because he's being accused of not caring, he's kind of retreating into a shell because of guilt - I should have explained that.

You're very quick to make excuses for him.

So in a roundabout way, what you're saying is that you are at fault for him showing you no affection and making you feel unloved and unappreciated, because you've made him feel guilty?

Does his decision to exchange explicit messages and pictures with other women have no bearing on the situation whatsoever..?:cool:

Wise up.