Is my OH stupid or am I mean ???

mytimetoshine2012

I have read all the way through and this clearly goes deeper than the tumble dryer issue. I would have a sit down, grab a piece of paper and a pen and try to find out what the issues are. I suspect that you feel unsupported by your husband and question his loyalties because he (from what you have put here) seems sensitive to the needs of others but not your own.

This has already become a big issue and if you leave it it will only get worse.

To answer your question. I understand what you are saying about being in a relationship and sharing as my OH and I work as a team. I know that if either of us won anything of value then we would consult the other person before doing anything about it, so I understand why you are annoyed. But it is a nice gesture...so I would be torn.

MTTS

euronorris

mishkanorman wrote: »

Do people really need to be so aggressive in their responses ?

The majority aren't being aggressive. This is an extremely emotive subject for you though, so I can see why it feels like that.

My husband is such a kind man that he hasnt tried to discuss it at all, he totally blanked me this morning after spending the night on the sofa and even though I was in floods of tears this morning about it he didnt say a word. Not a single word to me !

This is probably because he feels you are over reacting. You have a right to be upset, but try not to blow it out of proportion, and try to stay calm and discuss it with him. I think, at the moment, you are still in a very angry place, and so he's still on the defensive. For most men (im my experience), avoidance is seen as the best way to let things blow over a bit and calm down.

Tonight, you can sit down together and discuss it calmly.

Ironically he went out that night with a tenner in his pocket hoping that would be enough and he would come home with change and the next morning moaned that he had spent it all as the raffle tickets cost a fiver each.

Well, that's OK though isn't it? He took out a tenner, and he spent a tenner. If he wants to moan about spending 5 quid on a ticket, just remind him it was his choice.

He is also the same man who asked me to look on the internet and find out the best travel cot as him and the other girls were clubbing together and buying one for the girl as her maternity present. This was 3 months after we had our loss. When I said I couldnt as I should be shopping for our baby due around the same time as this girl his reply was "I was only asking"

Now that, is very insensitive. But......men are often not as emotionally affected by such losses. So it probably never even entered his mind how upsetting that would be for you.

Does he know that you are still struggling with this stuff? And how painful it would be for you to shop for this stuff for someone else?

He is being quite thoughtless at times, but I am not convinced he is aware of how/why he is being thoughtless. I think there is quite a big communication breakdown here, and if you work on that, the other issues will begin to resolve also.

splishsplash

mishkanorman wrote: »

Do people really need to be so aggressive in their responses ?

My husband is such a kind man that he hasnt tried to discuss it at all, he totally blanked me this morning after spending the night on the sofa and even though I was in floods of tears this morning about it he didnt say a word. Not a single word to me !

Ironically he went out that night with a tenner in his pocket hoping that would be enough and he would come home with change and the next morning moaned that he had spent it all as the raffle tickets cost a fiver each.

He is also the same man who asked me to look on the internet and find out the best travel cot as him and the other girls were clubbing together and buying one for the girl as her maternity present. This was 3 months after we had our loss. When I said I couldnt as I should be shopping for our baby due around the same time as this girl his reply was "I was only asking"

I was with you yesterday evening, I agree his 'kind' gesture was more short-sighted grandstanding than anything else, but I think maybe hormones are having their wicked way with you a bit. You had a strop last night (which I think you were perfectly entitled to), you made your feelings abundantly clear to him, but really, the bits I bolded above is where I feel the situation is running away from you. He did it, it's done, now put it behind you. It's not a 'floods of tears' situation, so pick yourself up, blow your nose and move on.

How about researching the items you need online, then both of you together could discuss (nicely and reasonably) how to fund them? You seem to feel all the weight on your shoulders, make it clear to him that he needs to take a more active role in the new baby. The fact that he asked you to look up the travel cot for him and 'the other girls' suggests he looks on you as the expert in these matters, so he probably doesn't even think he has a role in their purchase. Be clear with him what you need from him - he's not psychic.

zaffi

I'm going to look at this laterally, despite being a man and according to this thread, we only think "linear"

The way I see it, he had to give it away.

He was out with work mates and wins the big prize does he

1, Phone you and ask what to do

2, Keep it

3, Give it to a pregnant 16YO

1 makes him look weak, 2 makes him look selfish and 3 makes him look awesome

How would he (and you) prefer he is known at his workplace?

It may be he is playing a genius "long game" and when word gets round, could lead to future opportunites to advance?

So maybe he is putting his family first....

mishkanorman

victory wrote: »

So is this much more than just the washing machine? You seem to be resentful maybe because he went out or because he had £10 that maybe you think you did not have spare to use in the first place and when he went out and spent and won the machine you would have hoped he brought it back to you, sold it recouped the money initial outlay plus a bit more to add to the babies future needs?

Did you have any counselling for your loss?

If resentment is the right word, then yes - not because of the tenner he spent at all, or the fact he went out its that he felt she needed the nice gesture and all I've had lately is crap.

Our baby should have been due in 3 weeks time, our 15 years anniversary is next week and he told me we couldnt afford to go away for the night even though I had been discussing us making this one a big celebration (we have kind of ignored the last few) and in the next two weeks we will find out if our current pregnancy is progressing properly. I have so much weighing on my mind that a pick-me-up would have meant so much.

Mimi Arc en ciel On one hand you are saying everything should be joint in your household but then in another sentance you are saying it was all you who brought your kids things. you cant have it both ways.

I dont know if you are twisting what I said or not reading all the posts - what was actually said was that I had a windfall - that money was spent to clear my credit card debt which was amounted when we purchased childrens furniture. The decision for all of which was taken jointly - Im not getting it both ways ~!

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

Now that, is very insensitive. But......men are often not as emotionally affected by such losses. So it probably never even entered his mind how upsetting that would be for you.

Does he know that you are still struggling with this stuff? And how painful it would be for you to shop for this stuff for someone else?

He is being quite thoughtless at times, but I am not convinced he is aware of how/why he is being thoughtless. I think there is quite a big communication breakdown here, and if you work on that, the other issues will begin to resolve also.

Where as some men feel it as much but feel displaced, somewhat magnifying the quiet impact. op made the point earlier for example that it was HER body. She is right of course it was her body, but probably both their grief. Dh feels more protective over my body than i do furing the ops and medical proceedures i have had too, a husband might feel the loss caused an assualt on his wife as well as the loss of his child.


Op, regardless of how you feel my opinion is your resentment has the potential to be far more damaging to you and family than lack of a washing machine. The deeper issues really could do with a non confrontational, loving airing, but perhaps when this issue is behind you. Try and take your dh up to bed with you tonight.....it cannot be nice for either of you to feel alienated from each other now.

victory

mishkanorman wrote: »

If resentment is the right word, then yes - not because of the tenner he spent at all, or the fact he went out its that he felt she needed the nice gesture and all I've had lately is crap.

Our baby should have been due in 3 weeks time, our 15 years anniversary is next week and he told me we couldnt afford to go away for the night even though I had been discussing us making this one a big celebration (we have kind of ignored the last few) and in the next two weeks we will find out if our current pregnancy is progressing properly. I have so much weighing on my mind that a pick-me-up would have meant so much.

Mimi Arc en ciel On one hand you are saying everything should be joint in your household but then in another sentance you are saying it was all you who brought your kids things. you cant have it both ways.

I dont know if you are twisting what I said or not reading all the posts - what was actually said was that I had a windfall - that money was spent to clear my credit card debt which was amounted when we purchased childrens furniture. The decision for all of which was taken jointly - Im not getting it both ways ~!

So you want to be pampered, spoilt, cared for, loved, put first, tell OH that, you want all the bad to go away and to have something to look forward to, tell him that, you have been through a lot and your hormones are on high alert, tell him that, you can get things out of context and over react in a hormonal world tell him that but also tell him all his good positives and that you want to work together , that you feel that the money from the washing machine would have come in handy to go away with next week(is there anyone in your family that could lend you some money so you can get away, so you can have some alone time without it causing stress?)

techspec

From the male perspective - i have given lots of things away and helped others - to the anger of my long term EX partner. But the big difference was - i have never been married.

If i have read it right - the 16 year old was NOT at the quiz night, and was given the washer at work the next day. In which case, a slight delay, while he asked his WIFE what to do with it, WAS in order - and is wife has a right to be upset.

seven-day-weekend

Although I may well have thought, 'oh well, we could have sold it and put it towards some of the things we need'. this would be far outweighed by the joy of being married to such a kind and generous man. There are more important things in life than 'stuff'.

Edited to add: Having read another post , I agree, he was 'paying it forward'.

http://www.wikihow.com/Pay-It-Forward

And the OP ended up no worse off.

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

Where as some men feel it as much but feel displaced, somewhat magnifying the quiet impact. op made the point earlier for example that it was HER body. She is right of course it was her body, but probably both their grief. Dh feels more protective over my body than i do furing the ops and medical proceedures i have had too, a husband might feel the loss caused an assualt on his wife as well as the loss of his child.

That's true. OH freaks out when I'm ill/have an operation. He feels useless, as he says, because there isn't much he can do to help. He has to put his trust in the professionals and simply wait.

What I have found though, is that he recovers from it emotionally a lot quicker than I. And if I give him the impression that I am OK (even when I am not - I am guilty of doing this in the past), he assumes I am 'over it' also. So I've had to learn to be more honest about still feeling cr*ppy about x, y or z.