Is my OH stupid or am I mean ???

aliasojo

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Can i just mention one more thing . . . What would happen if, say when your baby was 3 months old, someone you knew fell pregnant and you gave them some of the baby's old things and you husband kicked off? Would you be hurt that he told you off- or even more hurt that he referred to you as "stupid" ??

That's a wee bit different though I think?

It's not just a case of giving something away.

It's more that something that was needed could have been got if the large and costly item wasn't given away, whereas giving away baby clothes isn't really going to impact on life much.

I think if the OP had what she needed for her own child, she wouldn't have bothered that her OH had given this away. She agrees it was a kind thing for him to do but but she feels he hasn't thought about his own family and she could have had what was needed for the baby, if he'd acted differently.

You can't say 'but if this that or the other had or had not happened etc etc...', where's the sense in dealing with hypothetical situations? The issue is as it is, no point in adding heads and tails onto it.

All only imo of course.

mishkanorman

lostinrates wrote: »

But the costs of staring out on top of living go up all the time, so 'kids' have to warn more than those ahead of them just to get the same. They are young people, very young, and a little kindness shown to them could make all the difference in their lives.

I get that its tough as we have scraped and borrowed the whole time we have been together, whilst it makes a huge difference to them it would have equally made a huge difference to us !

I just dont understand why he thinks its his position to help them out, if it was his child and he could see that we could make do yet she couldnt I would be proud that he made the choice but for someone he hardly knows it just seems an over generous gesture.

thatgirlsam

mishkanorman wrote: »

I get that its tough as we have scraped and borrowed the whole time we have been together, whilst it makes a huge difference to them it would have equally made a huge difference to us !

I just dont understand why he thinks its his position to help them out, if it was his child and he could see that we could make do yet she couldnt I would be proud that he made the choice but for someone he hardly knows it just seems an over generous gesture.

There are far worse things to be then over generous though

I reckon he did it without thinking it through, Just tell him he is a numpty and forget about it!

967stuart

Nice thing to do for someone who needs a bit of help.
Stop being a typical women (a moaning battle axe)

thorsoak

mishkanorman wrote: »

Me and my husband have been together for 15 years, so obviously it has cropped up on more than one occasion ! When my friend needed a cooker I discussed giving our old one to her (we were moving and the new house had one in place) BEFORE i mentioned it to my friend. When we no longer needed the car seats our boys had used I discussed what to do with them first. I consider that to be basic manners in a marriage !

He may well have 'done a nice thing' but it was at our expense, I know my OH and know he wont be putting his hand in his pocket when our little one comes along - it will be the same as it was with our 2 children that everything will be purchased as cheaply as possible (usually 2nd hand from eBay) . I dont think its unreasonable that I am mad he squandered the chance for that to change.

Basic manners in a marriage ....hmmmm.....calling your husband "stupid" because he is generous?????

How can you say that the "nice thing" that he did was at your expense? Did not the money for the raffle ticket come out of "his" pocket money? So how can you say that? Or do you consider that every lipgloss/cup of coffee that you buy is at "our expense"?

Your OH was very kind and generous to someone vulnerable. He sounds a decent man - you've got a good 'un there. Try to have the same generousity of spirit - remember what goes round, comes round!

burnoutbabe

just get him to rescind the offer, tell the girl that yours has been going funny and with the baby on the way, you need the newer one.

if he would prefer to upset you than some girl at work, thats an issue.

(and this isn't some vunerable teen is it, its someone with a partner and a job and surely some parents who could buy them a washing machine if needed)

mishkanorman

Do people really need to be so aggressive in their responses ?

My husband is such a kind man that he hasnt tried to discuss it at all, he totally blanked me this morning after spending the night on the sofa and even though I was in floods of tears this morning about it he didnt say a word. Not a single word to me !

Ironically he went out that night with a tenner in his pocket hoping that would be enough and he would come home with change and the next morning moaned that he had spent it all as the raffle tickets cost a fiver each.

He is also the same man who asked me to look on the internet and find out the best travel cot as him and the other girls were clubbing together and buying one for the girl as her maternity present. This was 3 months after we had our loss. When I said I couldnt as I should be shopping for our baby due around the same time as this girl his reply was "I was only asking"

Mojisola

mishkanorman wrote: »

Me and my husband have been together for 15 years, so obviously it has cropped up on more than one occasion ! When my friend needed a cooker I discussed giving our old one to her (we were moving and the new house had one in place) BEFORE i mentioned it to my friend. When we no longer needed the car seats our boys had used I discussed what to do with them first. I consider that to be basic manners in a marriage !

He may well have 'done a nice thing' but it was at our expense, I know my OH and know he wont be putting his hand in his pocket when our little one comes along - it will be the same as it was with our 2 children that everything will be purchased as cheaply as possible (usually 2nd hand from eBay) . I dont think its unreasonable that I am mad he squandered the chance for that to change.

To feel as strongly as you do, I thought there must be more to it.

If he makes generous gestures like this to other people but is stingy at home with his own family, I'd be annoyed at him too.

Is this a one-off or has he always put other people's needs ahead of his family? How have you dealt with it in the past?

If I had won something expensive, I would have talked to my OH before offering it to someone else. It's like the other thread asking about splitting the bills between a couple - for us, what comes to one of us, comes to both of us and so we should both have a say in what happens to it.

victory

mishkanorman wrote: »

Ironically he went out that night with a tenner in his pocket hoping that would be enough and he would come home with change and the next morning moaned that he had spent it all as the raffle tickets cost a fiver each.

He is also the same man who asked me to look on the internet and find out the best travel cot as him and the other girls were clubbing together and buying one for the girl as her maternity present. This was 3 months after we had our loss. When I said I couldnt as I should be shopping for our baby due around the same time as this girl his reply was "I was only asking"

So is this much more than just the washing machine? You seem to be resentful maybe because he went out or because he had £10 that maybe you think you did not have spare to use in the first place and when he went out and spent and won the machine you would have hoped he brought it back to you, sold it recouped the money initial outlay plus a bit more to add to the babies future needs?

Did you have any counselling for your loss?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

On one hand you are saying everything should be joint in your household but then in another sentance you are saying it was all you who brought your kids things. you cant have it both ways.

I dont blame him for blanking you after he spent the night on the sofa - Yes you have the right to be nared but not to blow it out of proportion.

I gather it isnt just this that you are upset about seeing as every few odd posts there is something else that he has done that has upset you. Have you told him these areb upsetting you?

The "he went out with a tenner but came back with change" - Ever consider they won money (as a group) and he didnt wantto tell you after you rollocked him about the washer?

He probably asked your opinion about the travel cot because A, he thought seeing as you was shopping around you might have seen a good one by chance and B, he doesnt want to look a complete numpty infront of his work colleagues and say that he doesnt know anything about travel cots as "you" brought everything for your kids.