Is my OH stupid or am I mean ???

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Actually I wasn’t referring to your windfall at all – I was referring to the comments you have made:

mishkanorman wrote: »

He is my husband, I thought that meant everything became an 'ours'

But then you say

mishkanorman wrote: »

I know my OH and know he wont be putting his hand in his pocket when our little one comes along

Surely – If you truly believe that everything is meant to be both of yours – It shouldn’t matter who purchases what for the child, as long as the child has everything it needs? (The point of my comment by the way was that you cant sit saying he doesn’t help and that you do it all, but then expect it all to be joint when it is something of “his”)

I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg, and I think you would agree that there are a lot more issues in your relationship than need dealing with. The pregnancy hormones aren’t going to be helping and neither will the grief. You come across as quite angry (my opinion) – Have you BOTH had a good chat about things that have happened (not the washer but everything else you have mentioned?)

So no – I’m not twisting your words and yes I have read all your posts.

mishkanorman

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Actually I wasn’t referring to your windfall at all – I was referring to the comments you have made:


But then you say



Surely – If you truly believe that everything is meant to be both of yours – It shouldn’t matter who purchases what for the child, as long as the child has everything it needs? (The point of my comment by the way was that you cant sit saying he doesn’t help and that you do it all, but then expect it all to be joint when it is something of “his”)

I think that this is only the tip of the iceberg, and I think you would agree that there are a lot more issues in your relationship than need dealing with. The pregnancy hormones aren’t going to be helping and neither will the grief. You come across as quite angry (my opinion) – Have you BOTH had a good chat about things that have happened (not the washer but everything else you have mentioned?)

So no – I’m not twisting your words and yes I have read all your posts.

(The point of my comment by the way was that you cant sit saying he doesn’t help and that you do it all, but then expect it all to be joint when it is something of “his”)


So I purchase something/win something and treat it as "ours" and im being unreasonable by expecting the same in return from our marriage ?

Any purchases our children need come from my account as that is where the tax credit money goes, birthdays/uniforms/clothes/shoes/school trips ANYTHING apart from food. That money is not going to stretch to getting the things we need for baby from new and I had accepted that they will be getting 2nd hand - we could have had new things (specifically the pushchair/car seat, the rest will be fine 2nd hand) had he not been so generous to his work mate.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

mishkanorman wrote: »

If resentment is the right word, then yes - not because of the tenner he spent at all, or the fact he went out its that he felt she needed the nice gesture and all I've had lately is crap.

Our baby should have been due in 3 weeks time, our 15 years anniversary is next week and he told me we couldnt afford to go away for the night even though I had been discussing us making this one a big celebration (we have kind of ignored the last few) and in the next two weeks we will find out if our current pregnancy is progressing properly. I have so much weighing on my mind that a pick-me-up would have meant so much.

It's not got much to do with a washer drier you don't need, then, has it?

You'd probably have reacted the same way had it been a big box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers or a wingwalking experience day. And had he come home with another machine, you'd just as likely complain that you already had one you are paying his mother for and what on earth did he think you were going to do with it sitting in the kitchen until you can get around to selling the other one.

It's just not about what he did for someone else - because it's about you mourning at the same time as worrying for the future, about all the fears you have sat at home thinking about what might happen, what has happened and all the slights, imagined or real, that he has committed in the past.

And having to deal with a lot of hormones running round your system - after all, following your loss, they would have crashed down, then they have gone back up again shortly afterwards when you conceived again, all at the same time as having to deal with your grief, maybe some guilt, maybe not being sure whether you did the right thing, maybe knowing absolutely that you did - so it hurts.

A mid trimester termination is a traumatic experience for anyone, whatever the reason for it. Perhaps in deciding to conceive again shortly afterwards, some of your grieving was delayed and it's coming now because you are at a similar stage - and the due date and the anomaly scan are making it almost impossible to focus on anything else. As he didn't have that same level of intimacy with your baby - he wouldn't have felt the movements the way you did, the baby wasn't with him every moment of the day - it's unlikely that he will be able to have this fill every waking thought in the way it has to be doing with you.

So, whatever people may believe about men and their feelings for a baby before they are born, and I know they love and mourn losses as well - they simply cannot experience it the same way the mother does. It's biologically impossible.



If you speak to your midwife or the consultant's secretary and explain you are feeling very vulnerable at the moment, I am sure they can find a way to get you some more support - maybe just being able to talk to someone can help you.


Your OH can't make it all better for you, no matter how much you want him to be able to. He can't put his arms round you and tell you it's all going to be alright. And he isn't a counsellor - so he can't be solely concerned with how you feel, he has his own feelings to deal with as well.


Perhaps you would benefit more from having someone experienced and impartial validate your feelings, as they are quite reasonably all over the place, and intensified by your hormones.



Because when it comes down to it, this has got nothing to do with washing machines.

mishkanorman

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It's not got much to do with a washer drier you don't need, then, has it?


.

Nope. Not really - its more about gestures. He felt she needed one and couldnt see that I might too.

im still taking in the rest of what you wrote.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

mishkanorman wrote: »

Nope. Not really - its more about gestures. He felt she needed one and couldnt see that I might too.

im still taking in the rest of what you wrote.

your missing my point - you HAVENT been sharing things equally so cant really expect him to magically change over night. YOU might have split things 50/50 but from your posts HE hasnt - so why would he consult you about the machine? (I think ive put that right - it sounds right in my head any way lol I hope you see what i mean now)

As for the above - Have you been doing the "Yes I'm ok/fine" etc when actually inside your screaming? He might actually believe you are fine so wont fuss after you where as this girl might have expressed her worries so he knows she isnt ok. (does that make sense?)

mishkanorman

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

your missing my point - you HAVENT been sharing things equally so cant really expect him to magically change over night. YOU might have split things 50/50 but from your posts HE hasnt - so why would he consult you about the machine? (I think ive put that right - it sounds right in my head any way lol I hope you see what i mean now)

As for the above - Have you been doing the "Yes I'm ok/fine" etc when actually inside your screaming? He might actually believe you are fine so wont fuss after you where as this girl might have expressed her worries so he knows she isnt ok. (does that make sense?)

oh, now i see

Acc72

I haven't read all of the comments, but I guess that the result of this is that in future your husband will just keep this kind of thing to himself ............

FatVonD

I'd have been angry too, especially if money is short, but I expect he probably got caught up in the moment and it's something I could see myself doing too, especially if I knew the person needed it more than me. Think of the good karma coming your way

Ruffles_2

I posed the scenario to both my OH and BIL last night and asked them what they would do with the washer/dryer.

OH asked if we had a working washer, BIL didn't even consider that but both of them without a moments pause and obviously not knowing any more about the girls life, said they would gift the washer to the 16 year old.

I wouldn't have expected less from either of them and I feel lucky to share my life with such a kind and thoughtful man.

I'm sure there was no more thought behind the gesture than "we've got one of those at home that works", so please try not to be too hard on him.

burnoutbabe

but the scenario is more

you win a washer dryer, do you think hurrah and tell your wife OR

wrack your minds as to a deserving person to give it to, right at that point?

If she wasn't even there, why suggest she gets it? Wouldn't most people be a bit embarassed as to the suggestion "well you are clearly poor, you have my new gift" and would say no (or shouldn't you check at home first).

course if you are sat there and everyone says "oh you should give it to the poor pregnant 16 year old", you are abit guilted into saying yes, which is just as bad but at least if the husband had said that, it would be more forgivable, if very weak of him.