How to handle dating a high earner

TheLearner2008

I have been dating someone new for about 3 months now. He earns about £130k a year and I earn £30k.

I have told him what I earn, but he hasn't told me his exact earnings just roughly. He was surprised because he thought I earned at least £60k but said it makes no difference to him.

He is a big spender and wants to eat out every single night and go to the movies etc every week and I cannot keep up.

I have now told him twice that I cannot keep up. The first time I told him that I cannot keep up but he just said he thought I earned more and then the conversation kind of changed into something else and we didn't really discuss it.

Yesterday I said I cannot afford to eat out every night and he said neither can he after Christmas but didn't say another further.

Everytime we go out I feel bad though and I offer to pay half but he always accepts it and I am going way over budget now.

Is anyone in a similar relationship and have advice of what I should do.

Should I just let him pay for everything or should I sit him down and talk about it again and what should I say? I don't want to be one to be the difficult drama queen.

UPDATE: I do enjoy being treated and taken out and I don't have a problem with him paying for things but he doesn't say anything - he just takes his card out and then I feel bad so sometimes I just offer to pay half.

scheming_gypsy

Just tell him straight.

No i'm not going out for tea because I can't afford it. come round and I'll cook
How about we get a DVD, a bottle of wine and a takeaway instead of going to the Hilton and spending £400 on a bottle of tap water and some crisps.

After 3 months and it sounds like you see him all the time, you should be able to tell him that you'd rather stay in / go to KFC / get the chippy and eat it on the park / etc, than just keep playing along and struggling.

Oldernotwiser

He sounds insensitive and mean - drop him!

tea_lover

TheLearner2008 wrote: »

I have told him what I earn, but he hasn't told me his exact earnings just roughly. He was surprised because he thought I earned at least £60k but said it makes no difference to him.

Oh that's big of him!!

Just tell him straight, next time he suggests going out somewhere say you'd rather stay in, or go somewhere else that you can afford.

It seems that he's happy enough to let you pay for things, so you really should be getting some say in what you're doing as you're forking out for it anyway.

victory

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

He sounds insensitive and mean - drop him!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

FatVonD

Say, 'okay, but you're going to have to treat me as I'm skint', he sounds an @rse btw.

19lottie82

TheLearner2008 wrote: »

Everytime we go out I feel bad though and I offer to pay half but he always accepts it and I am going way over budget now.

This is a bit rubbish. Not that you should expect him to pay because he earns so much, but he knows how little you make (in comparison), and you have told him that you can't afford it.

I think basically OP you have to put your foot down on individual occasions, rather than making general comments. If he says shall we go out TONIGHT then you say, "sorry I can't afford it, I'm really low on cash at the moment - why don't we stay in, get a takeaway and a DVD?"

He either understands and agrees, or if he REALLY wants to go out, he offers to pay.

My OH has more spare cash than me and 75% of the time if we go out, he pays. I don't expect it, and I am very gratefull, but he is aware of my financial situation and knows I will pay when I can, which i enjoy doing. He also knows I am just as happy staying in.

TheLearner2008

19lottie82 wrote: »

but he is aware of my financial situation and knows I will pay when I can, which i enjoy doing. He also knows I am just as happy staying in.

I don't want to make it a daily/weekly issue though, I just want an understanding and then never to bring it up again. I am thinking of sending him a sort email where I explain that I am happy to stay at home, cook and watch DVD's or go to the gym instead of going out BUT if he wants to go out I am happy to do that as well but then he must understand that I will only pay for things if I can afford them.

scheming_gypsy

TheLearner2008 wrote: »

I am thinking of sending him a sort email where I explain that I am happy to stay at home, cook and watch DVD's or go to the gym instead .......................

Are you seeing him or are you an escort but doing it wrong? if he's your boyfriend then tell him when the moment occurs. Don't send an email outlining everything as though you're making an informal business proposal.

pinkteapot

Do you remember that episode of Friends where Monica/Ross/Chandler kept wanting to eat at nice places and Rachel/Phoebe/Joey couldn't afford to keep up?

Ross: I guess I just don't see money as an issue.
Rachel: That's because you have it.

If this guy has been a high earner for a while he'll have adjusted his spending to it. My husband and I are in the position where five years ago I was earning about a third of what I do now and he was earning just over half what he does now. Our incomes have increased fairly rapidly and in some ways we haven't adapted to it (we put almost half of our net income into savings each month) but in others we have (what I'll spend on something in one go without giving it much thought has increased). While we save a lot now, I look at how much we spend per month and wonder how I used to live on less.

It's probably the same for your guy. He has the money, he's used to it, we're assuming he's not spending massively beyond his means... If he started out earning a lot less than he does now he's probably forgotten slightly what it's like to live on it.

I think a face to face discussion is better than an email. I understand you don't want it to be a regular conversation but it shouldn't be. The next few times he wants to go out, say you can't afford it and why don't we stay in instead. If he doesn't get the hint after a couple of weeks, sit him down and explain that while money is no big deal to him, it is to you as you want/need to be more careful about what you spend than he does. Tell him that it's making things difficult for you. If he then wants to still go out and just pay for both of you himself, well if it was me I'd take him up on it. That depends how you feel about things though.

onlyroz

Either you pay equally but only do things that you can afford, or you do the things that he's used to doing but he pays more.

Do you view this as a long-term relationship? Because if (e.g.) you moved in together would he expect you to pay half the rent/mortgage even though you earn a fraction of what he earns?