How to handle dating a high earner

Pee

You need to be able to talk about it and agree the way forward. It's really not very hard or emotive compared to say relocating to New York or whether or not to have children or even which house to buy in which area.

Either he assumes that because you offer, you want to pay half in which case it would be rude if he questioned whether you could afford it or said no to your offer or he knows that you can't and doesn't care.

My salary is more like yours and at the moment I am paying for almost everything and if my OH has money and offers to pay, I do accept. I know that he only offers when he has the money and that this makes him feel good about himself. I work on the basis that if I want to do something and I organise it, I will pay.

You can't have a long term relationship with someone you can't discuss money with.

I enjoy a meal out now and again, but I wouldn't want to do it every night. Dressing up is only good when it's once in a way, not all the time.

TheLearner2008

pinkteapot wrote: »

I think a face to face discussion is better than an email. I understand you don't want it to be a regular conversation but it shouldn't be. The next few times he wants to go out, say you can't afford it and why don't we stay in instead. If he doesn't get the hint after a couple of weeks, sit him down and explain that while money is no big deal to him, it is to you as you want/need to be more careful about what you spend than he does. Tell him that it's making things difficult for you. If he then wants to still go out and just pay for both of you himself, well if it was me I'd take him up on it. That depends how you feel about things though.

Thanks for great post and I think you're right this must definitely be a face to face thing. Today is his birthday so I will wait until the weekend and if he suggests we go out I will say I can't afford it and then I will repeat this a few days. If he still doesn't get the hint then I will sit him down. If he really cares about me it shouldn't make a difference to him if I can or cannot afford things.

TheLearner2008

onlyroz wrote: »

Do you view this as a long-term relationship? Because if (e.g.) you moved in together would he expect you to pay half the rent/mortgage even though you earn a fraction of what he earns?

I do and it would be completely different if we lived together because with my previous 3 year relationship there was no issue because we sorted the finances right at the beginning and there were no issues with regards to day 2 day expenditure. It was simple. We each paid 60% of our month net salary into a joint account and then had 2 debit cards and then all the bills came out of this account. So if he wants to maintain his lifestyle when we are living together we will have to calculate that percentage to make it fair. My previous OH earned less than me.

Hermia

pinkteapot wrote: »

Do you remember that episode of Friends where Monica/Ross/Chandler kept wanting to eat at nice places and Rachel/Phoebe/Joey couldn't afford to keep up?

Ross: I guess I just don't see money as an issue.
Rachel: That's because you have it.

Ha ha! I remember seeing that scene for the first time and it really resonated with me. I have some wealthy friends and they are thoughtless without meaning to be - they genuinely don't get that their spontaneous little lunch can take up my entire week's food budget!

OP - you have to really have this out with this chap. Money differences do often cause problems in a relationship and communication is so important to try and prevent this. He needs to realise that he either accepts cheaper nights out/in or that the both of you contribute a percentage according to what you earn. If you are serious about him you also need to talk about the future. My friend went out with a very rich chap and he was happy to pay more, but felt that gave him more say in what they did. So, he would always choose where they went on holiday, what restaurant they went to, what furniture they bought etc. He wasn't a horrible chap, but he (perhaps understandably) felt that if he was paying 90% of a holiday he shouldn't have to compromise over where he went.

TheLearner2008

Pee wrote: »

You need to be able to talk about it and agree the way forward. It's really not very hard or emotive compared to say relocating to New York or whether or not to have children or even which house to buy in which area.

Either he assumes that because you offer, you want to pay half in which case it would be rude if he questioned whether you could afford it or said no to your offer or he knows that you can't and doesn't care.

You absolutely right and that is why I don't want it to be a day to day issue. I think that he accepts my half because he thinks when I offer I can afford to because we live in London and when he takes me to private clubs the meal is like £300 then I don't even take out my wallet.

Any

I agree with the lot saying that when you do have the money you don't see it as big issue. You don't realise and don't remember what it was like to be on budget.

From the Op it seem that he is happy to pay, and happy to accept contribution - that I would take as he is happy to pay, but don't want to make OP feel like kept woman and keep her own pride so accepts contribution when offered.

Op - if you now see it as relationship, stop hinting and start talking!!!! Not only most men need to be spelled out things, money talk is always sensitive and men don't like sensitive talks so the chances of him starting it (especially now seeing you have less) are nil. And he cannot read your mind, or know where the limit is!!!! So unless you specify 2 meals a month, or week, or whatever, he will never know will he.

adelight

When he first suggests going out for a meal say that you can't afford it and suggest one of the cheaper options people are suggesting. Either he'll accept this cheaper option or he'll offer to pay, if he decides to do nothing with no real reason then he's probably a bit of a knob. I had this "issue" with my OH and did this. One week I might make us a nice dinner, and the next he takes me out for dinner (and pays) and if we go to the cinema it's always a wednesday or when there's an offer on and we generally take turns paying(or whoever passes the cinema during the day picks up tickets before hand). To us at least, the effort is equal and it works well.
If you try to keep up with him you'll end up getting yourself in trouble, my boss dated someone earning a lot more than her and she adopted a lifestyle that she couldn't afford and was in £20k of debt in a couple of years.

kaya

Earnings should be irrelevant in a relationship, unless you are dating them for their bank balance ? i have been with my wife 12 years, from day one of living together ALL our money goes into one account, we dont have seperate money , never have , never will , our relationship is based on who we are and what we do NOT what we can earn , we have never had an arguement about money or posessions

pinkteapot

Any wrote: »

most men need to be spelled out things

Absolutely!! I learnt this quite quickly with my husband.

Subtle hints/comments don't work. Being clear and assertive is the only way to get anything sorted. :rotfl:

Any

kaya wrote: »

Earnings should be irrelevant in a relationship, unless you are dating them for their bank balance ?

Yes, because that is the reason she came on here to ask the question.... and she offers to go halves...

kaya wrote: »

i have been with my wife 12 years, from day one of living together ALL our money goes into one account, we dont have seperate money , never have , never will , our relationship is based on who we are and what we do NOT what we can earn , we have never had an arguement about money or posessions

Sorry, but they are only dating for 3 months. The idea that they should pool their money together already is ridiculous.

They don't live together, they are only dating now!!