How to handle dating a high earner

Idiophreak

The guy probably just thinks he's doing the "polite"/"modern" thing by accepting your half when you offer.

Personally, I'd do as above and just say "OK, we'll go - but you'll have to treat". He can't complain if he keeps choosing to go. Personally, I'd never have any pride issues around being "kept" like this, but I think a lot of people would...

SandC

I agree you need to use the direct approach, hoping he gets the hint when you keep refusing his suggestions of a night out could have the opposite effect to what you want - he might think you are just going off him!

When he talks about what you are doing this weekend, explain things exactly as you have done here! It will not be as bad as you think! Simply explain that as your earnings are so different you can't afford to go halves on everything and then tell him how you feel about him paying for stuff.

So first you must decide what you are comfortable with, that might be that you will offer to help out when you can but that you'd like to cook for him more regularly as you don't need to be going out all the time. Or whatever you are happy with.

I have had a bee in my bonnet in the past about paying my way for things but realised that it's daft and that I would be missing out on things by turning them down when my partner would be quite happy to treat me. What helped is thinking about how I would feel if the roles were reversed - my conclusion was that I would be more than happy to pay for my OH sometimes and would probably actually be a little offended if they always refused.

So what I would do is if we went away for a weekend I would pay my half of the hotel bill but let him pay for the food and drinks in the most part. I would also buy small gifts regularly. And if it was normal nights out I would usually go halves. But I have never been in the position of having someone with that kind of income - mine have always been me on less than £20k, them on £50k ish, in fact I never asked for actual amounts.

The main thing though is just tell him, don't hint!

persa

If he takes his wallet out and then you say "Oh, no, let me pay half" then he may well think turning your offer down will offend you. Sometimes we want to be treated, sometimes we want to open the door by ourselves, thank you very much. Us modern women can be whimsical and hard to read like that.

As unpleasant as it may seem, I think a face to face conversation about money is required, along the lines of "I'm happy to pay half if we go to places I can afford, but I'm not as well off as you and can't pay my way at expensive places. Either we stop going to them, or you subsidise me. Sorry, but that's how it is. I like you and I don't want money to be an issue, so can we please agree on how we're going to stop it from becoming one?"

Whenever I go out with friends who are less well off than me, I always make sure they don't pay more than their actual share and if I want to do something when they are skint, I will offer to pay and insist upon it. TBH, I think your boyfriend should be doing something similar.

It could be that as well as working hard to get this £130k job, his family are quite well off, so as stupid as it sounds, he doesn't actually know what it's like to watch the pennies? Talk to him - it may be early days, but if this money thing is the only problem rearing its head, it would be a shame to give up on who could be quite a lovely man for you indeed.

You never know, one awkward conversation could pave the way for true love! You can but hope.

BitterAndTwisted

I've dated men in the past who have been very high-earners (where the heck are they now?) and it's a matter of pride to be able to pay your own way and not feel like some abject pauper who's freeloading. This is a terrible mistake. If someone is decent and thoughtful they will not expect you to beggar yourself paying half for things that you just can't afford. Lots of men need things spelled out in words of one syllable. Someone who is earning four-times what you are could have absolutely no conception of what it's like to have to budget like you have to. Be honest. Be clear. Be the immovable object.

Lara44

You have had some great advice here OP. My friend has a similar problem but she remains very conflicted about it. She puts together some incredibly thoughtful and special 'dates' for her boyfriend. Much more thought and effort goes into these than just paying for an expensive restaurant. But her partner respects her for the creativity and ingenuity that she brings to their life together. In some ways I think he has it easy trying to compete with her

Acc72

kaya wrote: »

i have been with my wife 12 years, from day one of living together ALL our money goes into one account,

This is not relevant as the OP is in a relatively new relationship and not living with their partner.

There is also a large difference of £100k between what the OP earns and what their partner earns.

Are you suggesting that the OP and their partner pool their combined £160k earnings in a joint account that they can both spend equally ?

euronorris

Do what I do, and when he suggests going out/ordering in/whatever it is that you can't afford, say the following:

I can't afford to do that. So, we can still do x, y or z if you want, but you will need to pay. Or, we can just skip x, y or z. It's up to you.

I tried again and again to get him to understand that I couldn't afford to buy/do x, y or z, but he always forgets. Besides, how is he supposed to know how much of my 'fun' money I've spent that month already? He's not watching every penny I spend, and I wouldn't want him to. He's happy to pay anyway, so it's fine.

You're gonna have to get over your pride and let him pay every now and then though, I suspect.

TheLearner2008

kaya wrote: »

Earnings should be irrelevant in a relationship, unless you are dating them for their bank balance ? i have been with my wife 12 years, from day one of living together ALL our money goes into one account, we dont have seperate money , never have , never will , our relationship is based on who we are and what we do NOT what we can earn , we have never had an arguement about money or posessions

This is the only completely unhelpful reply to my post. I am very happy things have worked out for you and your partner but you clearly have no concept of how a new relationship works.

claire16c

Acc72 wrote: »

Are you suggesting that the OP and their partner pool their combined £160k earnings in a joint account that they can both spend equally ?

Id be quite happy to have access to 130k :rotfl::rotfl:


Seriously though, OP, just talk to him. If he wants to go out somewhere expensive, tell him first sorry you cant afford it, what about doing x instead? If he insists on going, then let him pay when he takes out his wallet, and stop taking out yours.

If someone wants to treat you, let them. Its not like hes hard up is it?!

And like the other posters have said, men dont take hints. You need to tell them straight.

TheLearner2008

Thanks everyone for all your helpful posts except that dodgy one about pooling our income :rotfl: really appreciate it and keep them coming.

I am going to take all your advice and put it into action on Friday - can't today since its his birthday.

I have decided what I am going to do is just say I can't afford it sorry lets rather watch a DVD and if he insists then I won't mention anything again that night will just let him pay for everything. I will repeat this a few times and then if it happens a lot I will tell him that I am happy to go out or stay in, but then he must be happy that I only pay here and there where I can afford.