How to handle dating a high earner

scheming_gypsy

If you get cold feet when it comes to it, go for a different approach..

him - what are we doing this weekend? i thought we could go to the theatre, then a boat trip along the Thames / Irwell / Douglas / canal (depending where you live), followed by champagne and oysters in *insert expensive place here*
you - Well I'd love to but I spent all my money on some incredibly sexy new underwear. I thought maybe we could stay in with a DVD and takeaway.......

TheLearner2008

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

If you get cold feet when it comes to it, go for a different approach..

him - what are we doing this weekend? i thought we could go to the theatre, then a boat trip along the Thames / Irwell / Douglas / canal (depending where you live), followed by champagne and oysters in *insert expensive place here*
you - Well I'd love to but I spent all my money on some incredibly sexy new underwear. I thought maybe we could stay in with a DVD and takeaway.......

:rotfl: what can I say sex sells right?

euronorris

I'm sure it will be fine.

This is one of those issues that I made into a big deal in my head, when if I had just spoken to OH at the start, I would've known he was more than happy to pay for the majority of things. Still took me a while to adjust my pride accordingly though.

londonsurrey

I totally understand where you're coming from. It's always nice to be the person with more money, or have parity. But I have had friends and dates where the difference is on the level you describe - both ways - I have very affluent friends, and friends who literally don't have any heating because of money issues.

I can't tell you what to do, but this is my take on things. You're there to be with each other, friend or date. What you or your friend considers affordable has been made clear - this is as straightforward as knowing that they're vegetarian, are allergic to peanuts, allergic to religion, love dogs, adore plays. What they're willing to spend is just another thing on the list.

So, with my very poor vegetarian friend, we will arrange to meet, have picnics etc and she will say when she's discovered a £3 all-you-can-eat good vegetarian place with wheelchair access(REALLY difficult combination!), and she's willing to pay. It's not that I won't pay for her, it's a matter of pride for her that she can sometimes find somewhere where she's paying or treating me for my birthday.

In the same vein, I'm not feeling very flush at this moment in life. So I cook a lot. My contribution is reasonable cost and some effort. My date knows that I am happy to spend the night in, and have a nice filling lamb casserole ready, which he likes. If perchance he fancies going to the Oxo building for a £200+ meal with me, we don't even discuss it - he's paying. Lol.

TheLearner2008

londonsurrey wrote: »

If perchance he fancies going to the Oxo building for a £200+ meal with me, we don't even discuss it - he's paying. Lol.

Love this! Am definitely going to wait for the right opportunity and just explain to him that I will pay when and if I can otherwise I am happy to stay in or he must pay.

princeofpounds

Here's some advice from the other side of the equation...

- Address the issue directly. Don't hint at it, say clearly what's on your mind. Otherwise the message is just diluted.

- Don't get wound up or accusative when you talk about the issue. This could be interpreted as an attack on his past behaviour - even if the words aren't hostile a hurt tone could create that impression as any listener will hear 'your actions damaged me'. Much better to pitch it in a way that will confirm to their own internal values; 'you watching out for our joint budgets will make me feel cared-for'.

- Remember that his behaviour has not been that bad, he's just made an assumption which you have not corrected. When you offered to pay, it's entirely reasonable to assume that you were happy to.

- If he wants to continue a higher spending lifestyle and bring you with him, you will need to be clear on what is acceptable subsidisation and what is not, and when you will take lower-cost options but participate jointly. That means that if there is any subsidisation you are able to put aside accusations of gold-digging.

TheLearner2008

princeofpounds wrote: »

Here's some advice from the other side of the equation...

- Address the issue directly. Don't hint at it, say clearly what's on your mind. Otherwise the message is just diluted.

- Don't get wound up or accusative when you talk about the issue. This could be interpreted as an attack on his past behaviour - even if the words aren't hostile a hurt tone could create that impression as any listener will hear 'your actions damaged me'. Much better to pitch it in a way that will confirm to their own internal values; 'you watching out for our joint budgets will make me feel cared-for'.

- Remember that his behaviour has not been that bad, he's just made an assumption which you have not corrected. When you offered to pay, it's entirely reasonable to assume that you were happy to.

- If he wants to continue a higher spending lifestyle and bring you with him, you will need to be clear on what is acceptable subsidisation and what is not, and when you will take lower-cost options but participate jointly. That means that if there is any subsidisation you are able to put aside accusations of gold-digging.

Many thanks, its great to have an opinion from the other side! Will definitely take your advice to heart

Chakani

Hi OP, I'm rather further down the line now, having been together for 8 years, but when we were a new couple, we had a similar disparity in earnings that you do, and the same problems. I didn't want to be freeloading, or to be spending what I couldn't afford. He didn't see the issue, because it wasn't an issue to him, IYSWIM.

Our solution, or rather, my solution, which he went along with, was one date, he'd choose what we did, and pay for it, the next, I would choose and pay. So one week might be a fancy meal, the next might be a DVD at home or a walk and an ice cream. It turned out that it didn't really matter how much was spent, we had a great time whatever (I did anyway, and as we're still together, I assume it worked for him too!)

make_me_wise

I am not in this situation as hubby and I earn similar salaries. Friends of mine have been though and in the end it took for a frank discussion to sort things out. With the best will in the world if he earns 100k more than you then you are not going to keep up with his lifestyle. No good relationship should involve one person living way beyond their means and the other not listening to them.

It is telling that when you have tried to raise this with him he has kind of white washed over it and the conversation has been diverted. He must be a smart guy to be earning that kind of income and I disagree that men need things spelled out and you are being to subtle.

Alot of people, men and women alike, hear what they want to sometimes and ignore the rest, especially if it means being able to carry on as they are and not make sacrifices and compromises.

Say no next time he suggests doing something expensive, tell him why and suggest a reasonably priced alternative. If he bulks at this and wont take your situation and needs into account, then Id be considering whether he really is a good match.

princeofpounds

It is telling that when you have tried to raise this with him he has kind of white washed over it and the conversation has been diverted. He must be a smart guy to be earning that kind of income and I disagree that men need things spelled out and you are being to subtle.

Disagree. The sort of smarts that gets you a good salary does not mean you are any good at mind-reading (quite the opposite in fact for some people).

Whilst he may have understood the previous hints, the OP is never going to know unless she is straightforward. In particular, he may have heard the basic message but not realised the significance behind it. You have no clue how tentative the OP may have sounded with the objection even if she felt like it was a big deal to raise the issue.

Dropping hints can end up being nothing more than a test of how much your other half is tuned into social nuance rather than a reflection of their true character. Being straightforward doesn't mean being confrontational, it just means being clear.