I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

victory

I think it should be more like this....

In no way do you deserve any of this, never have, never will, never, please remember you are a great person, you deserve so much more, you can get so much more, you are better than being treated like this, please please go and talk to someone.

System

I'm so sorry you're going through this

If you can't get time alone with your CPN or health visitor would it be possible to post them a letter? That way you could write it all down and they'd know about it?

He sounds very controlling and is a bully. Don't let him win. You deserve better hun.

*max*

I completely agree with the others. Your last post is extremely worrying, in that you seem to have been nearly brainwashed by this man into thinking whatever you do isn't good enough. Toast. REALLY???

I suspect he has been undermining your confidence for a long time, making you believe that you are weak, that you can't do the littlest thing right. This man has been manipulating you into believing you cannot live without him.

You need to talk to someone. You need to understand that you are a perfectly capable person, you do not need this man in your life. You need to get your confidence back.

There is help out there. Do this for yourself and your daughter. Do not let this man undermine and control you any longer.

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247 Free phone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline

Jesswithwings

Oh darling, this man is so controlling of you. I know right now you're feeling very vulnerable and empty after the loss of your little girl (hugs) and making huge decisions about your future will be terrifying for you.... but please consider what the others have said. This isn't just controlling behaviour, this is emotional and mental abuse. He has worked so hard on you to make you believe that you can't do things right, that you NEED him to show you how to get by and do simple things like TOAST for you (!!!!!!???) and holds the reins to everything you do. I urge you to find strength from within and stand up for yourself and your toddler. How would you advise her if a man treated her in this way one day? You have had an awful, awful year and you deserve so very much more xxxx

Murtle

Can you just print this out and give it to your CPN please, or just leave it with them / in the room.

You need help to get out of this, sooner rather than later. Your daughter needs you to be strong for you both.

Padstow

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

From the very beginning alarm-bells should have been ringing:

He "made you" get rid of all of your personal possessions and furniture when you moved in with him.

He doesn't let you be in contact with his parents because he hasn't told them that he's divorced and since has now re-married with a small child. Their grandchild. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT MAY BE? I think it's because there are things in his past that you would have discovered about him and found to be unfavourable. Possibly not totally unconnected to his gay-!!!!!! viewing or worse.

What did you do about the advice which you were given about your worries relating to his name only being on the LA/HA tenancy?

You talked about a "marriage break-up" back in July but you haven't done any breaking up yet.

How long are you going to allow this horrible man to abuse you?

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

WHAT? I was about to say not only controlled but warped, and then I read bitter andtwisted 's post above.
I'm not one for giving up on marriage, nor to live on benefits, but in cases like yours, you must.

Another post by b&t resonated with me too. She/he stated that things won't get better. I agree, they won't. They will get worse, and he'll grind you down so you think it's a normal marriage.

I was married to my ex for 20 years plus, different scenario to yours. He cheated from the very beginning. I put up with it for various reasons, not least, was that he always denied it, and as he had phone bills etc sent to his business, I had no proof.

Come retirement age, and daughter independent, I thought things had "settled."
Then the usual signs again. Not speaking to me, not paying his way etc. Enough! Two dreadful years to divorce. So at such a late age, I'm left looking after a huge house that we had built and I have no idea what is ahead of me.

Life would have been so much easier had I divorced him years ago.
I had a dependent child for one thing, so would have been entitled to many benefits, as you will be. Another is that I would have been young enough to retrain, get a job whatever? As you will be.

Don't do as I did, and suffer for many years, only for it to end anyway.

By the way, I thought I was doing a good job by keeping a lid on things for our daughter's sake, the serial adultery I mean, only for her to tell me she'd known all along what he was up to.
You can see the lie we were all living. Him constantly cheating, me ignoring and our darling girl not wishing to rock the boat.
I could and should have ended it many years ago.

Your little girl will be picking up on everything, and you won't even know.

Although I agree with most of what b&t has said, I think you should stay put for now at least, and you will need free legal advice.

Legal Aid is very difficult to get now. It's awarded to those on £8,000 a year or less, which you seem to qualify for.

This is what I suggest, based on past experience.

Find a Solicitor who specialises in Family Law. Ring them and ask whether they do a 30 minute free advice and whether they take legal aid cases.
Book the appointment and then prepare for it. We'll help you.

At this point, you have to ask yourself if you want to be with this man, or arm yourself with knowledge as to how to live with you and your daughter, with some money, more money than he ever allows you at present.
I advise you to get out, the marriage that is, not your home, He sounds like a nutter.
I would not trust anyone who videod me, and I would be fearful for my daughter's safety.

When you go to the appointment, make notes beforehand to optimize your 30 mins. It will run over, so dont stress yourself, the sol won't suddenly announce that your time is up.

Is your husband a high earner? No matter. I will post a link. You imagine what your circumstances might be in the future, and fill in all scenarios. You can do it many times, it's all anonymous. Here you go.
http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

I bet your results show that you'll be far better off financially without him.

Emotional support? Not much of that was there. More here than from him.

You poor darling, suffering the death of your child with little support from him.

Keep posting, no matter what you decide.

Jesswithwings

Padstow wrote: »

WHAT? I was about to say not only controlled but warped, and then I read bitter andtwisted 's post above.
I'm not one for giving up on marriage, nor to live on benefits, but in cases like yours, you must.

Another post by b&t resonated with me too. She/he stated that things won't get better. I agree, they won't. They will get worse, and he'll grind you down so you think it's a normal marriage.

I was married to my ex for 20 years plus, different scenario to yours. He cheated from the very beginning. I put up with it for various reasons, not least, was that he always denied it, and as he had phone bills etc sent to his business, I had no proof.

Come retirement age, and daughter independent, I thought things had "settled."
Then the usual signs again. Not speaking to me, not paying his way etc. Enough! Two dreadful years to divorce. So at such a late age, I'm left looking after a huge house that we had built and I have no idea what is ahead of me.

Life would have been so much easier had I divorced him years ago.
I had a dependent child for one thing, so would have been entitled to many benefits, as you will be. Another is that I would have been young enough to retrain, get a job whatever? As you will be.

Don't do as I did, and suffer for many years, only for it to end anyway.

By the way, I thought I was doing a good job by keeping a lid on things for our daughter's sake, the serial adultery I mean, only for her to tell me she'd known all along what he was up to.
You can see the lie we were all living. Him constantly cheating, me ignoring and our darling girl not wishing to rock the boat.
I could and should have ended it many years ago.

Your little girl will be picking up on everything, and you won't even know.

Although I agree with most of what b&t has said, I think you should stay put for now at least, and you will need free legal advice.

Legal Aid is very difficult to get now. It's awarded to those on £8,000 a year or less, which you seem to qualify for.

This is what I suggest, based on past experience.

Find a Solicitor who specialises in Family Law. Ring them and ask whether they do a 30 minute free advice and whether they take legal aid cases.
Book the appointment and then prepare for it. We'll help you.

At this point, you have to ask yourself if you want to be with this man, or arm yourself with knowledge as to how to live with you and your daughter, with some money, more money than he ever allows you at present.
I advise you to get out, the marriage that is, not your home, He sounds like a nutter.
I would not trust anyone who videod me, and I would be fearful for my daughter's safety.

When you go to the appointment, make notes beforehand to optimize your 30 mins. It will run over, so dont stress yourself, the sol won't suddenly announce that your time is up.

Is your husband a high earner? No matter. I will post a link. You imagine what your circumstances might be in the future, and fill in all scenarios. You can do it many times, it's all anonymous. Here you go.
http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

I bet your results show that you'll be far better off financially without him.

Emotional support? Not much of that was there. More here than from him.

You poor darling, suffering the death of your child with little support from him.

Keep posting, no matter what you decide.

:T:T Wonderfully put.

Padstow

stayingupright wrote: »

Thank you all.

I guess though, that when I come off here, it's not always bad. I can have my moods.

When I see what I've written it does look pretty bad though.

As regards the 'abuse', he does do most of the housework, sometimes I do want to do the washing myself, but I don't do it right (I never add extra water, and the machine doesn't add enough apparently).

I'm also quite cluttered, whereas he's very neat & tidy. He cooks (for the most part), sometimes I cook, but he tends to like doing it.

I don't toast our daughter's toast right (I put it in bottom down, but he showed me that it doesn't toast at the top then), and I put too much jam on etc, so he is better than me at this.

I thought that after our second daughter was born that things would be better; when she died we were actually closer than anything.

It's not all him, I do nag. I've never stopped mentioning the photos of him I found on his camera, and he gets really angry with me when I bring them up, swearing that he did intend to send them to me, but I still don't totally believe it, I never received them, and they look the kind you'd send to someone, to receive dirty photos back.

It's hard to speak to the bereavement midwife alone, as he's always with me when she calls, ditto my CPN.

I miss my baby so much though, more than anything, and that hurts the most, I feel so empty

This post shows that you are already ground down, and have no intention of leaving him.

Take care of yourself angel, because he won't.

SueC_2

If you haven't got the strength to leave for yourself, leave for your daughter. She is too young to question or know better, and will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour and a normal environment.

As her mum, it's your responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. Please.

Bumpmakesfour

stayingupright wrote: »

Thank you all.

I guess though, that when I come off here, it's not always bad. I can have my moods.

When I see what I've written it does look pretty bad though.

As regards the 'abuse', he does do most of the housework, sometimes I do want to do the washing myself, but I don't do it right (I never add extra water, and the machine doesn't add enough apparently).

I'm also quite cluttered, whereas he's very neat & tidy. He cooks (for the most part), sometimes I cook, but he tends to like doing it.

I don't toast our daughter's toast right (I put it in bottom down, but he showed me that it doesn't toast at the top then), and I put too much jam on etc, so he is better than me at this.

I thought that after our second daughter was born that things would be better; when she died we were actually closer than anything.

It's not all him, I do nag. I've never stopped mentioning the photos of him I found on his camera, and he gets really angry with me when I bring them up, swearing that he did intend to send them to me, but I still don't totally believe it, I never received them, and they look the kind you'd send to someone, to receive dirty photos back.

It's hard to speak to the bereavement midwife alone, as he's always with me when she calls, ditto my CPN.

I miss my baby so much though, more than anything, and that hurts the most, I feel so empty

This breaks my heart to read.He has well and truly ground you down into believing you can do nothing right.For you and your daughters sake you need to get out hun xx