I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

flower24

His behaviour sounds extremely worrying to me. A marriage is a partnership, why do you each have separate money? I'd be getting out of there quick sharp.

dontone

I don't normally post on these threads, although I do read them. But this particular thread reminds my so much of an auntie of me who married a man who was a control freak.
He was also one of those men who started out loving and kind, yet as soon as they married it turned into a hell for my auntie, who had already divorced one husband (she was in her late 40's)who wasn't exactly Heaven sent, but she also had a teenage daughter who was subject to this man's fury and bizarre behaviour.
Examples of what he would do -

He would let my auntie hoover the entire house, only to take the vacuum off her and show her how to do it properly. In fact anytime she hoovered, he would do it all over again.
She would do all the ironing - and he would fly into a rage after she had finished and then - to quote him " I will do it properly"
She would wash clothes, he would redo then because she "had the cheek to use softener" "Softener cost too much money"
Folding clothes was taboo also, she didn't fold underwear correctly.
Same goes for washing the pots, he do them again.
She wasn't allowed to cook, he did it.
She would make cups of tea, and he would tip the drinks down the sink and remake it. Everytime he made her a drink she would be violently ill.
She wasn't allowed to go food shopping, because she would "go over the £15 weekly budget"
She wasn't allowed to buy any luxuries for herself - but he could go to the bookies and buy whisky.
He would lock her in the house in case she was meeting men.
My 13 year old cousin was a "!!!!!" because she liked boy bands and dyed her hair blonde. He banned posters on her bedroom wall, although his daughter who was the same age could do what she liked as she was a "perfect princess" He also would put her down at every opportunity - she phoned our house in tears threatening to run away.
What did it finally for my auntie was that he ended up choking her until she blacked out, because she didn't dust correctly. The stress of it all brought about a mild heart attack, and he refused to help her, saying that she should go to bed and take some painkillers.
Fortunately my cousin hadn't been in school that day and recognised the symptoms, and called for an ambulance. Luckily, she recovered, and promptly threw him out, after he moaned about the cost of bus fare going up to hospital to see her.
He still tried to come and go as he pleased as much as possible simply because he hated the thought of losing control of her. It was only until she moved that he stopped, and he passed away a lonely, bitter man.

Please OP, get out while you can. It will be hard to start of with but, you deserve someone who will treat you right.

Padstow

dontone wrote: »

I don't normally post on these threads, although I do read them. But this particular thread reminds my so much of an auntie of me who married a man who was a control freak.
He was also one of those men who started out loving and kind, yet as soon as they married it turned into a hell for my auntie, who had already divorced one husband (she was in her late 40's)who wasn't exactly Heaven sent, but she also had a teenage daughter who was subject to this man's fury and bizarre behaviour.
Examples of what he would do -

He would let my auntie hoover the entire house, only to take the vacuum off her and show her how to do it properly. In fact anytime she hoovered, he would do it all over again.
She would do all the ironing - and he would fly into a rage after she had finished and then - to quote him " I will do it properly"
She would wash clothes, he would redo then because she "had the cheek to use softener" "Softener cost too much money"
Folding clothes was taboo also, she didn't fold underwear correctly.
Same goes for washing the pots, he do them again.
She wasn't allowed to cook, he did it.
She would make cups of tea, and he would tip the drinks down the sink and remake it. Everytime he made her a drink she would be violently ill.
She wasn't allowed to go food shopping, because she would "go over the £15 weekly budget"
She wasn't allowed to buy any luxuries for herself - but he could go to the bookies and buy whisky.
He would lock her in the house in case she was meeting men.
My 13 year old cousin was a "!!!!!" because she liked boy bands and dyed her hair blonde. He banned posters on her bedroom wall, although his daughter who was the same age could do what she liked as she was a "perfect princess" He also would put her down at every opportunity - she phoned our house in tears threatening to run away.
What did it finally for my auntie was that he ended up choking her until she blacked out, because she didn't dust correctly. The stress of it all brought about a mild heart attack, and he refused to help her, saying that she should go to bed and take some painkillers.
Fortunately my cousin hadn't been in school that day and recognised the symptoms, and called for an ambulance. Luckily, she recovered, and promptly threw him out, after he moaned about the cost of bus fare going up to hospital to see her.
He still tried to come and go as he pleased as much as possible simply because he hated the thought of losing control of her. It was only until she moved that he stopped, and he passed away a lonely, bitter man.

Please OP, get out while you can. It will be hard to start of with but, you deserve someone who will treat you right.

I was nodding until you got to the thirteen year old with bleached hair!

I saw two sisters today, couldnt have been more than eleven/13. One had the worst bleach job ever with jet black roots.

thorsoak

Have a look at this:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2072687/Men-control-partners-targeted-domestic-violence-crackdown.html

Makes for interesting reading!

dontone

Padstow wrote: »

I was nodding until you got to the thirteen year old with bleached hair!

I saw two sisters today, couldnt have been more than eleven/13. One had the worst bleach job ever with jet black roots.

She dyed it because her hair was like, I'm not a hair colour expert, but it was like a strawberry blonde, and he disapproved of it saying "she looked a s***" So she dyed it at a friends house, in the hope that he would stop picking on her.
It made things worse. He was just a complete pig. Being abusive to a spouse is one thing, but then directing his abuse towards a 13 year old is just disgusting. No matter what the hair colour.
He didn't object when his own daughter who was also 13/14 came home with a blonde do though.
My cousin ended up going to live with her father.

sashadesade

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

He doesn't let you be in contact with his parents because he hasn't told them that he's divorced and since has now re-married with a small child. Their grandchild. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT MAY BE? I think it's because there are things in his past that you would have discovered about him and found to be unfavourable. Possibly not totally unconnected to his gay-!!!!!! viewing or worse.

Oh dear, I didn't realise OP was the same person who made those posts. This man is everything I said before and worse. It's really upsetting to know that she's still with him.

balletshoes

londonsurrey wrote: »

Leave now. How do you feel about being there in 18 months' time, still stuck, still not allowed stuff in the house, having your every mundane decision questioned as stupid incompetence, and pregnant again, and then 20 years' time, still stuck, beaten down, and looking at your damaged children, now young adults, knowing that you allowed him to control their lives and upbringing?

The OP has already been going through this for longer than 18 months. I agree totally with you and others, its her OH who has the mental problems, and they are a lot more sinister than the ones the OP is taking her medication for.

OP while I suspect this thread will end up just like all the others you've posted in the last year or so, in that you will stay with him and carry on letting him grind you down and make you believe he is right and you are incapable of anything, I really hope you read, digest, and think about what you are doing to your little girl. You are teaching her that the way your OH behaves towards you, the way he speaks to you, the way he controls you, is normal, and that she can expect the same treatment from any relationship she has in future.

sashadesade

stayingupright wrote: »

Thank you all.

I guess though, that when I come off here, it's not always bad. I can have my moods.

When I see what I've written it does look pretty bad though.

As regards the 'abuse', he does do most of the housework, sometimes I do want to do the washing myself, but I don't do it right (I never add extra water, and the machine doesn't add enough apparently).

I'm also quite cluttered, whereas he's very neat & tidy. He cooks (for the most part), sometimes I cook, but he tends to like doing it.

I don't toast our daughter's toast right (I put it in bottom down, but he showed me that it doesn't toast at the top then), and I put too much jam on etc, so he is better than me at this.

I thought that after our second daughter was born that things would be better; when she died we were actually closer than anything.

It's not all him, I do nag. I've never stopped mentioning the photos of him I found on his camera, and he gets really angry with me when I bring them up, swearing that he did intend to send them to me, but I still don't totally believe it, I never received them, and they look the kind you'd send to someone, to receive dirty photos back.

It's hard to speak to the bereavement midwife alone, as he's always with me when she calls, ditto my CPN.

I miss my baby so much though, more than anything, and that hurts the most, I feel so empty

Reading this was awful. You're the most brainwashed person I've encountered on here - he really has you believing you're good for nothing and can't get by without him, and your valid concerns are just 'nagging'. I hope you find the strength to get away from this man soon, for your sake and your daughter, or she will end up in your position when she's older.

victory

Please do what katy says, slowly but surely, one step at a time, even if it a little tiny insignificant step each day ,do it, you have nothing to loose and absolutely everything to gain, I know you are scared and feel you can't do it, I know that but please you can ever so slowly if you need to do it that way, get all the outside help you can, print this threadoff and take it to your CPN , please read the thread and ring all the numbers for help, lie to him and say you are going out and never come back, plan it, do it, you feel a lot better in the long run.

Dizzy_Ditzy

oh OP, what a horrible, horrible, horrible situation you find yourself in.

Please do not think that you are alone. We might not be there in the physical, but as a "community" we are all here to offer advice and assistance where we can.

In my mind, the very fact that you posted your original post at all speaks volumes. You clearly recognise that something isnt right.

Sadly, your second post tells me even more. He has ground you down so much that you actually believe what he has been telling you. He has manipulated and brainwashed you so much.

As everyone else has said, i urge you to get out. Phone Womens Aid.

I am so sorry for your loss. My brother lost 2 babies born prem and it was the most heartbreaking thing ever. This said, it doesnt mean that your OH has any right to treat you like this.

Think about your daughter. She will grow up thinking that behaviour like this is normal. I know you dont want that for her.

I am thinking of you, but please, dont put up with this any longer than you have already xxx