I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

Janey3

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss.

Yes, your partner's behaviour is controlling. Videoing in those circumstances is not the action of a normal person and complaining about your books is not on, they are part of you and who you are and what you enjoy doing. He will slowly take away from you your independence and who you are - I feel so sad for you and hope you find the strength to make the right decision about your future.

balletshoes

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

He's been videoing the two of you discussing previous disagreements, while he rewrites history "to protect" himself?

Do you have any idea how deranged that sounds to an outsider?

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

Darling, I think that he's abusing you in the most ruthless and cynical way possible. The way he has behaved since your baby died is disgraceful, incomprehensible. Please, do not doubt yourself about this. If everything you say is the plain, unvarnished truth you need to have a very hard think about what kind of life with him you are destined to endure. People like this do not get better, their behaviour gets worse over time.

absolutely agree with this - and its been going on since before you were pregnant, you know it. He will never change, if you feel trapped and unhappy now, you always will, as long as you stay with him.

Murtle

Don't become a negative statistic within Domestic violence. Speak to your CPN and get the help you need to become part of the domestic violence positive statistics.

Becles

Mojisola wrote: »

Please contact these people for help - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008&sectionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help

Definitely speak to these. They can put you in touch with local domestic violence workers. They will meet you in a neutral place like a cafe or park or somewhere, and discuss what is happening and what you can do about it. I know it all will seem scary upping and leaving now, but these people will explain everything and "hold your hand" while you go through the motions and for as long as you need afterwards. Once you speak to them and you know what is going to happen, it will be easier for you.

Also he can't tell people you are mad and keep your daughter. It's in very rare cases that a child is removed from the mother - usually because the mother is neglecting or harming the child, or has problems of her own like drink or drug abuse. I'm sure nothing like that applies to you.

If social services did get involved, you'd be assessed and they would see that you're a great mother and look after your daughter well, so they wouldn't remove her from you.

Best of luck with everything and hope you manage to get things sorted out and find happiness again

stayingupright

Thank you all.

I guess though, that when I come off here, it's not always bad. I can have my moods.

When I see what I've written it does look pretty bad though.

As regards the 'abuse', he does do most of the housework, sometimes I do want to do the washing myself, but I don't do it right (I never add extra water, and the machine doesn't add enough apparently).

I'm also quite cluttered, whereas he's very neat & tidy. He cooks (for the most part), sometimes I cook, but he tends to like doing it.

I don't toast our daughter's toast right (I put it in bottom down, but he showed me that it doesn't toast at the top then), and I put too much jam on etc, so he is better than me at this.

I thought that after our second daughter was born that things would be better; when she died we were actually closer than anything.

It's not all him, I do nag. I've never stopped mentioning the photos of him I found on his camera, and he gets really angry with me when I bring them up, swearing that he did intend to send them to me, but I still don't totally believe it, I never received them, and they look the kind you'd send to someone, to receive dirty photos back.

It's hard to speak to the bereavement midwife alone, as he's always with me when she calls, ditto my CPN.

I miss my baby so much though, more than anything, and that hurts the most, I feel so empty

Mojisola

stayingupright wrote: »

As regards the 'abuse', he does do most of the housework, sometimes I do want to do the washing myself, but I don't do it right (I never add extra water, and the machine doesn't add enough apparently).

I'm also quite cluttered, whereas he's very neat & tidy. He cooks (for the most part), sometimes I cook, but he tends to like doing it.

I don't toast our daughter's toast right (I put it in bottom down, but he showed me that it doesn't toast at the top then), and I put too much jam on etc, so he is better than me at this.

I thought that after our second daughter was born that things would be better; when she died we were actually closer than anything.

It's not all him, I do nag. I've never stopped mentioning the photos of him I found on his camera, and he gets really angry with me when I bring them up, swearing that he did intend to send them to me, but I still don't totally believe it, I never received them, and they look the kind you'd send to someone, to receive dirty photos back.

It's hard to speak to the bereavement midwife alone, as he's always with me when she calls, ditto my CPN.

I miss my baby so much though, more than anything, and that hurts the most, I feel so empty

It seriously sounds as if it is all him! He's got you so undermined that you don't believe you can make toast right!

It's very telling that you can't even talk to your CPN without him there.

MiniMoo

Sweetheart you sound like i used to when i was with my violent ex. He used to make me feel like i couldnt do anything right, i didnt look after the children right, i was a nag, i didnt do this right, i was mental, a loony, i was nothing, no one else would want me etc. You are saying alot of this now and believing it.

Everyone nags even the 'perfect men/women' that say they dont its NORMAL.

You dont make toast right??? Is there a book on how to make toast right coz i bet all the money in the world i dont make toast right either.

YOU deserve BETTER and MORE than this, you are a couple together that means the home you both live in should be made a home by both of you not just him, he should not have spent the funeral money on daft things and yes they are daft they werent needed.

I could make excuses for him saying this is his way of dealing with the loss of your baby but it seems its been going on longer than that.

Dont let this person stamp all of the you out of you with his comments and ways, be you and dont be afraid of it, he should be surrounding you with love at this time not bringing you down so low.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl hunni xxxx

Moo xx

meritaten

This definately controlling behaviour - financial bullying and abuse!
OH hun - your last thread had me in tears - youve gone and done it again!
If you were MY daughter I would be begging you to leave - you couldnt possibly be financially worse off and your self esteem would have to go up - as it cant possibly be any further down!
Leave hun - I dont often advise this - I am NOT one of those who advise breaking up a relationship cos of a small matter. But this isnt A SMALL MATTER!
What are you going to do when your savings are gone? when you have to beg for every penny? is that humiliation worth it?

victory

stayingupright wrote: »

Thank you all.

I guess though, that when I come off here, it's not always bad. I can have my moods.

When I see what I've written it does look pretty bad though.

As regards the 'abuse', he does do most of the housework, sometimes I do want to do the washing myself, but I don't do it right (I never add extra water, and the machine doesn't add enough apparently).

I'm also quite cluttered, whereas he's very neat & tidy. He cooks (for the most part), sometimes I cook, but he tends to like doing it.

I don't toast our daughter's toast right (I put it in bottom down, but he showed me that it doesn't toast at the top then), and I put too much jam on etc, so he is better than me at this.

I thought that after our second daughter was born that things would be better; when she died we were actually closer than anything.

It's not all him, I do nag. I've never stopped mentioning the photos of him I found on his camera, and he gets really angry with me when I bring them up, swearing that he did intend to send them to me, but I still don't totally believe it, I never received them, and they look the kind you'd send to someone, to receive dirty photos back.

It's hard to speak to the bereavement midwife alone, as he's always with me when she calls, ditto my CPN.

I miss my baby so much though, more than anything, and that hurts the most, I feel so empty

Please stop blaming yourself, finding you to be the one, he is the one, the treatment is appaling, you need to speak to someone alone, if you feel threatened or anxious or out of your depth do it now, go to your friends house or families house, go now, he is controlling you and manipulating you into thinking it is you and you are at fault, my darling I know it hurts your loss, I know you feel empty, I know you will struggle for a while to come to terms with it but it does it getter, it can get better, you need to be able to talk to them in private, without your OH listening in, you need to take the time to grieve, bits about the toast mean nothing, are nothing you have every right to have better than this.

I believe you can do it, seek help, talk to them alone, each day will get better.

somethingsgottogive

I'm literally nearly in tears reading everything you've posted about this ,am's treatment of you. You do not deserve this, and if you don't try and break free of his controlling and bullying behaviour you're going to spend the rest of your life feeling like an evil, horrible failure because HE IS DOING THIS TO YOU. Please please please please act now, tell your midwife and accept any help she gives. If he's likely to get abusive if he hears you telling her these thing put it all in a letter and slip it to her before she leaves. You must help yourself to live the life you deserve!