I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

stayingupright

We have got a beareavement midwife, but I can't tell her, as he would get really angry about it. We're waiting for counselling.

When we've had arguments in the past he's calmed down, then talked again to me, making things up about the argument, which makes me upset, then it turns out that he's started videoing it, after he's calmed down. He said he's done this to "protect himself", but to also show people how "mad" I am, if I were to leave.

I have bipolar, and despite taking my meds, and (considering I've just lost my baby) everyone from my HV, GP, CPN & psychiatrist saying that I'm doing remarkably well - better in fact than some people without MH issues - he still says that people will believe him, and that the videos prove it. He also says that he will keep our daughter, so I feel trapped.

McKneff

He is not only being controlling, he is a bully, no matter what this man is set in his ways and he will never, ever change.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this,

You need to have a good hard think.

think about either getting out of it and having a normal life for you and your child

or

Change the locks and tell him to do one.

Do yu have any family you can confide in

FBaby

Yes, he is a big big bully, destroying your self-esteem to gain full control of you, and it looks like it is starting to work, which is not surprising at all since you already have to deal with the difficulties of dealing with bipolar symptoms and the grief of a lost baby. You are totally right, many would have collapsed by now, so you are doing absolutely amazingly. Unfortunately, your hubby is using your weaknesses to start making you doubt yourself.

You need to see a proper counsellor, not just a midwife and you need to go ALONE. It's not just about your joint grief over the loss of your baby, but also about you and your self-esteem. Go and see your GP and ask to be referred as soon as possible.

margaretclare

Yes, this is controlling behaviour. I agree with others above.

Money is an extremely important part of any relationship and IMHO the only way it can be dealt with amicably and sensibly is with joint discussion, each partner saying to the other 'can we afford this?' even if it's something as unimportant as being invited out to dinner i.e. DH 'It's a fund-raising dinner next Saturday evening close to Christmas, bit expensive, can we afford it?' Me: 'Well, I paid for the dinner out last month, can you pay for this?' Agreement between us. Same with a discussion we had some years ago now when DH was very unwilling to have a joint account because of bad experiences in a previous marriage, I wanted to be sure of regular bills being paid if either of us died/became incapacitated. We discuss everything to do with money even from something as minor as dinner out, to major e.g. paying regular bills. I can't see how any relationship can flourish or even survive under the conditions you describe. Bit like my DH's last marriage - what she wanted she had to have and b****r him whether he'd been made redundant or not and whether he agreed with what she wanted to spend, or not. That was one of the main reasons why he's not with her and why he's here with me!! Using money as control, not good. And for the partner with an earned income and the other who has only child benefit, easy for him to do.

I am sorry for your daughter's death. This is the kind of thing that should draw a couple together so that you can both grieve, but all too often it seems to be the catalyst that pushes a couple apart.

PS: What does anyone need a TV in the bedroom for?

BitterAndTwisted

stayingupright wrote: »

We have got a beareavement midwife, but I can't tell her, as he would get really angry about it. We're waiting for counselling.

I don't understand: why can't you talk to the breavement midwife on your own?

When we've had arguments in the past he's calmed down, then talked again to me, making things up about the argument, which makes me upset, then it turns out that he's started videoing it, after he's calmed down. He said he's done this to "protect himself", but to also show people how "mad" I am, if I were to leave.

He's been videoing the two of you discussing previous disagreements, while he rewrites history "to protect" himself?

Do you have any idea how deranged that sounds to an outsider?

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

Darling, I think that he's abusing you in the most ruthless and cynical way possible. The way he has behaved since your baby died is disgraceful, incomprehensible. Please, do not doubt yourself about this. If everything you say is the plain, unvarnished truth you need to have a very hard think about what kind of life with him you are destined to endure. People like this do not get better, their behaviour gets worse over time.

victory

stayingupright wrote: »

We have got a beareavement midwife, but I can't tell her, as he would get really angry about it. We're waiting for counselling.

When we've had arguments in the past he's calmed down, then talked again to me, making things up about the argument, which makes me upset, then it turns out that he's started videoing it, after he's calmed down. He said he's done this to "protect himself", but to also show people how "mad" I am, if I were to leave.

I have bipolar, and despite taking my meds, and (considering I've just lost my baby) everyone from my HV, GP, CPN & psychiatrist saying that I'm doing remarkably well - better in fact than some people without MH issues - he still says that people will believe him, and that the videos prove it. He also says that he will keep our daughter, so I feel trapped.

I am sure bereavement counsellors have confidentiallity laws, whatever you say to her will not get back to your OH, it won't, please talk to her, there are laws also for him not being able to get sole custody of your child, please get professional help.

As for videoing it? That says more about him than you.

Don't question yourself, act, get all the help you can and be proactive

Crisp_£_note

stayingupright wrote: »

It's not just the funeral costs, as hubby controls all the money, and decides what we have. He's spent thousands on things he's wanted this year (entertainment stuff), and won't even let me have any of my books in the house... firstly it was because I hadn't bought a bookcase, then he got given two, and one is now in the lounge, and he's put photos on it, but won't let me have books on it, as they look "untidy".

He went mad when I bought our toddler a pair of shoes for £25 the other day, I feel so restricted

Im not trying to be funny here just observant, if he doesnt like your books on the shelf and he is a techno junkie than ask him to treat you to a Kindle. No need for a bookshelf then. Just a suggestion trying to help but probably pointless. With the rest of the problem I am sorry I cant help much and my condolences to you both for the loss of your child.

Tigsteroonie

His savings? Your savings? Where's the "marriage" here?

I don't think you're evil. What I think of him isn't suitable for this forum. But I think you need to have a long hard look about your relationship and whether it's working for both of you.

PS £25 for fitted toddler shoes is average price, from what I can see. Our littl'un is going to get his first properly fitted pair for Christmas!

Mojisola

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

I don't think you're evil. What I think of him isn't suitable for this forum. But I think you need to have a long hard look about your relationship and whether it's working for both of you.

I would second this.

I don't think you're evil. I think he may be and that this is a very destructive relationship for you.

Read back your posts as if someone else had written them - what would you think of this relationship?

VfM4meplse

I'm extremely sorry to hear about your loss, OP :grouphug:. Have you thought about your common values and goals in life? It's clear that money isn't one of them but for all we know there may be a lot more that you do agree on.

Then ask yourself whether you would still be with this man if it weren't for your LO - and if so, why?

Good luck.