I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

stayingupright

I posted on here recently, about my husband wanting to give away our baby's things. I have another problem, I fully expect everyone to tell me how evil I am, but it really has all got me sitting in tears this morning.

The main thing is his control financially.

When our baby died I paid for the funeral, hubby paid for the flowers.

I was happy to pay it (out of savings) as it was the only thing I could do for my baby. Somehow/for some reason, hubby was able to claim it back, and did so.

So he gets a cheque and has now refused to give me any of the money back... I know what people are going to say - that I said I was happy to pay it so why should I get it back... and I guess that's valid, and I'm a horrible person, I didn't know he was going to claim any money back - and I FEEL as if he has now profitted from our daughter's death... I even offered to have just half the money I paid back.

The way he sees it he pays for everything - which is true; however I only get child benefit, and I pay for everything for our daughter (18 months) with that, plus some food. And I frequently have to use my savings (about £300 now) to get by. Our baby girl's death was unexpected and I'm struggling to get over, I can't see how him paying the bills has ANYTHING to do with me paying for her funeral... unless he'd specifially asked me to dig into my savings to pay a bill, then it's irrelevant, it was FUNERAL money, not him paying a bill.

The day after he received the cheque he bought a tv for our bedroom. I'd asked him not to buy this (we had a perfectly good one), yet still he went ahead.

He's bought a new three piece suite, new stereo and other things - he just gets what he wants... and when I asked for the funeral money back he refuses, saying that he buys the furniture - but I have no say in anything, and if I do he does what he wants anyway.

He's just bought his adult son's christmas presents, and for me to buy my own adult child some, I will have to use child benefit, or dig again into my savings, if I had the funeral money back I could use that.

I know that if I were to leave that everything that hubby has bought is in his name, so I end up with nothing.

Even our 18 month old's carseat (which I bought) can only go in hubby's car, as my family don't have isofix...

I bought hubby his car (it used up all my savings I had before meeting him), and paid off his water rate arrears.

Am I being really evil in wanting the money I paid out back?

aliasojo

stayingupright wrote: »

Am I being really evil in wanting the money I paid out back?

Is there any point in suggesting this isn't the best relationship for you and maybe it's time to see the New Year in with a new attitude and a new life?

bunty109

No, I don't think you're evil. To be honest, I would find it strange being in a relationship where one of us paid for the funeral of a child and the other the flowers. I know couples split things and pay for different bits and pieces but if you're at a stage where you can't split the funeral costs this doesn't sound like a great partnership.. (((stayingupright)))

stayingupright

It's not just the funeral costs, as hubby controls all the money, and decides what we have. He's spent thousands on things he's wanted this year (entertainment stuff), and won't even let me have any of my books in the house... firstly it was because I hadn't bought a bookcase, then he got given two, and one is now in the lounge, and he's put photos on it, but won't let me have books on it, as they look "untidy".

He went mad when I bought our toddler a pair of shoes for £25 the other day, I feel so restricted

Sambucus_Nigra

Wow. Just Wow.

Yes - this is controlling behaviour.

Plans_all_plans

You have both been through a lot and neither is bound to be thinking straight.

I would suggest some serious bereavement counselling, followed by marriage counselling from Relate or similar, before making any drastic decisions.

(If you were to split, which I don't think is the best course of action at the mo until you BOTH seek some counselling, then you would be entitled to your fair share of anything in his name as you are married)

victory

Did the you get the professional help that was suggested to you in the last thread?

I know this is extremely painful for you and very difficult, the money side of it all came up last time, you need to vent at a group with people that have been through what you are going through, you need to keep talking and a counsellor would be the ideal person.

stayingupright

He also sold the double buggy (which again I bought) and he kept the money.

I do kind of understand his point about he pays for everything, but the money for the double buggy, etc etc, was savings before I met him, which I've no longer got, yet he spends money like it's going out of fashion, and yesterday said he has over £1000 in his bank...

adamantine

you are married - a couple. your child together died very tragically. you both should have paid for the funeral and flowers (though no one should ever ever have to bury their own child)

he then takes the money that could/should be used to pay for a headstone or to do something extra special to remember your child by on a tv, sofa, stereo etc even though he wasnt the one who actually spent a penny on the funeral?

he shouldnt have claimed anything back as it was not him that spent anything out. that money is your money not his.

based on all your threads about him i think you need to seriously consider whether this relationship is healthy for you and your child.

FBaby

Op, I know what a horribly difficult time you are going through and how emotionally drained you must feel, but reading over your posts since last summer, I am really concerned that you are becoming more and more controlled by your husband and seemingly feeling more and more vulnerable.

The way you describe him, he really doesn't sound like a good hubby at all. You were considering leaving him over the summer, there must have been good reasons. I am worried that your posts are now moving towards doubts about yourself and you being unreasonable and even 'horrible'. Your self-esteem seems to be at its absolute lowest.

In any case, to answer your question, yes, your hubby is coming across as massively controlling, not just about this particular episode, but across all your messages, and not just financially controlling, but emotionally too. Please look after yourself and don't accept things you don't deserve to accept just because you start doubting yourself or are too drain to face. Are you seeing someone to help you dealing with the grief of your lost baby? You need someone to listen to you, show compassion and guide you to help you regain your self-worth.

rachbc

I sounds tome these issues have been here way before you daughter died.

In short yes, you are being financially controlled and abused.

Please take care of yourself emotionally and find someone to talk to about your bereavement ((()))