I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

BitterAndTwisted

j.e.j. wrote: »

Yes, and also I think she is afraid that he will use her mental health issues as a weapon against her, to manipulate the situation in his favour (very possibly by making up or embellishing stories about her behaviour) and to try and get custody of their daughter.

That is precisely what he's been doing by videoing their conversations! He may not go through with it but the mere hint that he might do it could be enough to have the OP fearful and cowed enough to go on tolerating the abuse. Which is exactly what she has done.

I just hope to God that the OP remembers to log off when quitting this site and knows how to clear her browsing history.

coolcait

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I just hope to God that the OP remembers to log off when quitting this site and knows how to clear her browsing history.

:T

I agree, but am not entirely sure how to do the bit in bold.

Maybe it would be a good idea for a 'technically minded ' person to start a new thread explaining how to do that? It would keep it away from being directly connected to this thread, and the OP, and make it available to anyone who might need it.

In an ideal world, it could even become a sticky. :T

Any technical peeps out there who could start a 'safety/clearing browsing history' thread?

Once it's started, I'm happy to use the 'report' function - or any other option - to bring it to MSE's attention, and ask for it to be made a sticky, so that others can benefit from it.

Mad-Frog

How are you, please let us know you are okay, I don't normally post on this board but I am going to highlight a few things for you to think over

He cashed in on your daughters funeral and refused to give you your money back (he paid for flowers big of him eh)!

He bought a TV even though you asked him not too

He bought his son christmas present leaving you struggling to buy for yours

He decides what you have

He wont let you have books as they are untidy (get him to buy you a kindle the


He went mad when you bought your child a pair of shoes

He sold double buggy you paid for and kept the money

He will get angry with you if you talk to your bereavement midwife (Darling that is something you need to do)

He is videoing you when you argue (so video him right back)

he says he will keep your daughter if you leave (something else I am sure your midwife can reassure you on)

He says you don't do the washing right (why does a washing machine need water adding???)

He says you are cluttered because he is a neat freak

He has shown you the correct way to toast bread and add jam!!!!!

Sweetheart you will miss your baby and you so desperately need to talk to someone without your husband there, please please try and arrange this when he is at work

Mojisola

Mad-Frog wrote: »

He is videoing you when you argue (so video him right back)

stayingupright wrote: »

When we've had arguments in the past he's calmed down, then talked again to me, making things up about the argument, which makes me upset, then it turns out that he's started videoing it, after he's calmed down. He said he's done this to "protect himself", but to also show people how "mad" I am, if I were to leave.

It's far worse than videoing arguments which would show them both getting angry and saying things without thinking properly. This is very cold, calculated behaviour. To someone who wasn't there, he's going to look caring and reasonable and stayingupright is going to look out of control.

podperson

Hun, I hope you've seen by the number of responses that it is definately controlling behaviour but it sounds like he has ground you down so much that you feel unable to trust your own judgement on it anymore. Perhaps try and think about it from an objective point of view - what would you say if a close friend was telling you this, or worse your daughter? At the moment she is being brought up to think that this is perfectly normal behaviour so it's highly likely she could end up with someone just like her father. Is that what you want for her?

meg72

margaretclare wrote: »

What says more than anything about the state of this 'relationship' is the fact that almost the OP's first words were that she would be thought 'evil' by all the rest of us.

DH was in a violent relationship - yes, it can happen to men too. Just now and again he reveals a bit of what it was like, although, 13 years later, he has managed to put it behind him.

Last week at our church we had a gift service for the homeless. They'd asked for warm clothing, tinned foods, practical gifts. A speaker said that homelessness can happen to anyone. I said to DH: it almost happened to me when I was widowed and redundant, a mortgage and no income. He said: it almost happened to him. How? He said he'd have been homeless if I hadn't taken him in. When he stood on my doorstep that wet November night, if I'd said I changed my mind about inviting him to move in with me, he'd have gone away again and might have found a bedsit somewhere. But he'd had a home, fully furnished, comfortable, he'd walked out on it. Wouldn't he have gone back from whence he'd come? Not in a million years. Go back to that? You must be kidding.

A day or two ago we were coming back from London, it was evening, wanted to get home and DH said: he was very gratified that I didn't comment on his driving, he'd been driving a bit quick (on the M25!) and I hadn't criticised him as some people would have done. He's said similar before at different times, when we got lost, when we couldn't find a motel with a room for the night...He used to get criticised for every darned thing, she'd call him a 'f***ing Jew-boy', his money was hers but hers was her own, and the physical violence too.

Thank you for highlighting that this can happen to men too.People
tend to think its only women. My son was in a difficult relationship
and I watched him go from a confident happy boy to a mental wreck,
But being a Man he didnt cry,he didnt tell us how bad things were,

He is gone now and I cant help feeling things would have been different if he had been a daughter.

I think your OH is lucky to have found you.