I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

AbbieCadabra

SueC wrote: »

If you haven't got the strength to leave for yourself, leave for your daughter. She is too young to question or know better, and will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour and a normal environment.

As her mum, it's your responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. Please.

i wish to god that someone had said this to my mum 30 odd years ago...:(

please OP, at least try to make a break when you can. however awful it might feel when you do it, it will be worth it in the long run as you're potentially saving yourself & your daughter from a great deal of mental damage that can have devastating consequences.

i know that might sound dramatic & perhaps a little harsh, but i'm speaking from experience as i was brought up in a household dynamic that was very damaging.

Butterfliesarepretty

stayingupright wrote: »

I posted on here recently, about my husband wanting to give away our baby's things. I have another problem, I fully expect everyone to tell me how evil I am, but it really has all got me sitting in tears this morning.

The main thing is his control financially.

When our baby died I paid for the funeral, hubby paid for the flowers.

I was happy to pay it (out of savings) as it was the only thing I could do for my baby. Somehow/for some reason, hubby was able to claim it back, and did so.

So he gets a cheque and has now refused to give me any of the money back... I know what people are going to say - that I said I was happy to pay it so why should I get it back... and I guess that's valid, and I'm a horrible person, I didn't know he was going to claim any money back - and I FEEL as if he has now profitted from our daughter's death... I even offered to have just half the money I paid back.

The way he sees it he pays for everything - which is true; however I only get child benefit, and I pay for everything for our daughter (18 months) with that, plus some food. And I frequently have to use my savings (about £300 now) to get by. Our baby girl's death was unexpected and I'm struggling to get over, I can't see how him paying the bills has ANYTHING to do with me paying for her funeral... unless he'd specifially asked me to dig into my savings to pay a bill, then it's irrelevant, it was FUNERAL money, not him paying a bill.

The day after he received the cheque he bought a tv for our bedroom. I'd asked him not to buy this (we had a perfectly good one), yet still he went ahead.

He's bought a new three piece suite, new stereo and other things - he just gets what he wants... and when I asked for the funeral money back he refuses, saying that he buys the furniture - but I have no say in anything, and if I do he does what he wants anyway.

He's just bought his adult son's christmas presents, and for me to buy my own adult child some, I will have to use child benefit, or dig again into my savings, if I had the funeral money back I could use that.

I know that if I were to leave that everything that hubby has bought is in his name, so I end up with nothing.

Even our 18 month old's carseat (which I bought) can only go in hubby's car, as my family don't have isofix...

I bought hubby his car (it used up all my savings I had before meeting him), and paid off his water rate arrears.

Am I being really evil in wanting the money I paid out back?

LEAVE NOW NOT LATER, GET OUT NOW, I MEAN IT IM SERIOUS!

I was in a controlling marriage for eleven years, he did same thing to me regarding money, blamed me for the overdraft we had, asked me why I needed to draw £10 even when it was for nappies for my daughter. He also hated it when I would buy clothes for him from matalan, he would say you only bought them for me so you could buy something for yourself. He complained if I didnt remember to get the frozen bread out of freezer after using the last slice in the loaf.

He would have a rota for the cleaning and ironing and always insisted on the ironing being done on a sunday night and made me feel guilty if I was cleaning or doing something at the same time.

Made me turn away relatives if he was studying when they turned up on a sunday. Even ignored my dad when he came to help put the venting in for tumble drier in the house.

I lost my daughter to him due to him making me give her up and saying I was a bad mum, all the house went to him. I never went to court to fight all this because i believed I was an evil person.

Ten year later I have my own house, own life, and he has a second divorce after trying to control his second wife and hit her too.

What goes around comes around. :rotfl:

Cat501

Never in my life did I think I'd read such a devastating post about toast:(:(:( Like many others I'm in tears over that too. I'm sorry OP, I can't add anything constructive - only agree with everyone else - please please get out as soon as you can. You ARE capable. And yes, get your CPN to insist that they want to see you alone, even if they have to make up a reason. Can you phone him/her?

Do you have any family support? Or friends? Or doesn't OH "allow" that?

so so sorry for the loss of your precious little one xxx:(:(:(

duckeggblue

To the OP
please read this link
its something called "gas lighting" a devastating form of psychological abuse.
please take time to read it,let me know your thoughts.You can pm me if you want
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/messages.asp?topicid=36356&section=00010001000800210001

Trust your instinct-its that feeling in your stomach that something isnt right,you don't fully know it yet,but you are being "groomed" "trained" to doubt your own instincts.Abusers arent horrible all the time,abused women arent all cowering in corners
.Psychological abuse is far, far worse than physical abuse.You have children and I urge you to read as much as possible on this subject,before you become too ill to fight it.

missbishi

Hi OP, could you maybe print this thread off and post it to the CPNs base office with a little note explaining that the thread outlines whats going on & would she please conjure an excuse for you to be seen alone? Big hugs.

j.e.j.

stayingupright I hope you are ok and still reading this. Post when you can, we are all concerned about you.

duckeggblue

I hope you are ok too.I just want you to know that statistically,it can take a long time for a woman to leave an abusive man.It can make you fell ashamed-everyone is telling to to leave,you have to live from day today-you block it out-you convince yourself you can make it better if only you try harder.

Many women find it hard to leave,for very many reasons-..please keep learning and reading about abuse-you are young-you haveso much life ahead of you.

DeeDee74

having of been in a controlling relationship myself I'd say that's exactly what ur oh is doing.
i 2 posted on these same boards myself asking for advice and i can say theres some of the loveliest people on here ever,seriously hun listen to all the advice its much easier to see it being and outsider looking in.
x x

meg72

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

From the very beginning alarm-bells should have been ringing:

He "made you" get rid of all of your personal possessions and furniture when you moved in with him.

He doesn't let you be in contact with his parents because he hasn't told them that he's divorced and since has now re-married with a small child. Their grandchild. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT MAY BE? I think it's because there are things in his past that you would have discovered about him and found to be unfavourable. Possibly not totally unconnected to his gay-!!!!!! viewing or worse.

What did you do about the advice which you were given about your worries relating to his name only being on the LA/HA tenancy?

You talked about a "marriage break-up" back in July but you haven't done any breaking up yet.

How long are you going to allow this horrible man to abuse you?

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

Please take note and do it. Theres nothing wrong with you , everything wrong with this relationship.

margaretclare

What says more than anything about the state of this 'relationship' is the fact that almost the OP's first words were that she would be thought 'evil' by all the rest of us.

DH was in a violent relationship - yes, it can happen to men too. Just now and again he reveals a bit of what it was like, although, 13 years later, he has managed to put it behind him.

Last week at our church we had a gift service for the homeless. They'd asked for warm clothing, tinned foods, practical gifts. A speaker said that homelessness can happen to anyone. I said to DH: it almost happened to me when I was widowed and redundant, a mortgage and no income. He said: it almost happened to him. How? He said he'd have been homeless if I hadn't taken him in. When he stood on my doorstep that wet November night, if I'd said I changed my mind about inviting him to move in with me, he'd have gone away again and might have found a bedsit somewhere. But he'd had a home, fully furnished, comfortable, he'd walked out on it. Wouldn't he have gone back from whence he'd come? Not in a million years. Go back to that? You must be kidding.

A day or two ago we were coming back from London, it was evening, wanted to get home and DH said: he was very gratified that I didn't comment on his driving, he'd been driving a bit quick (on the M25!) and I hadn't criticised him as some people would have done. He's said similar before at different times, when we got lost, when we couldn't find a motel with a room for the night...He used to get criticised for every darned thing, she'd call him a 'f***ing Jew-boy', his money was hers but hers was her own, and the physical violence too.