I don't know whether this is controlling behaviour or not?

Errata

It's hard to speak to the bereavement midwife alone, as he's always with me when she calls, ditto my CPN.

If you feel you could open up to your CPN then it might be a good idea to talk to them on your own. It's not unusual for people to go to another room with their CPN, if it's a home visit, and have a one to one discussion with them.

penelopedee_2

Hun, I'm so sorry for your loss.

You sound like you need some serious space away from this relationship. Being in such an environment and dealing with the emotions, is not going to help you. Right now you need and deserve some love and tlc.

(Sorry this sounds really partronising but what I really want to say is - yes he is not being nice and you definately don't deserve to put up with it).

Do you have a family member or best friend you can trust - or if not please contact the links given in previous posts.

You are a really important person, with a child to love and look after and you need to feel supported at the moment to be able to do this.

If he can't see this - that's his loss, not yours.

jenhug

take your child and RUN. The bloke is a psycho. you are not.

jayII

jenhug wrote: »

take your child and RUN. The bloke is a psycho. you are not.

Exactly!! He is dangerous!! You need to get out now while you still can.

I also think you need to contact his parents as soon as you are safe. I suspect there is something very dark in his past, I can't imagine any other reason for him being so desperate to keep his new wife and small child away from them.

Sambucus_Nigra

It makes me wonder what he's putting IN your food hon; you didn't need telling that this is controlling behaviour - you know it is.

It's just he has got you thinking it's all you when it isn't - it really isn't.

Please do something to release yourself and your little one from this evil man's vice-like grip.

ifonlyitwaseasier

i can only echo what everyone else has said,

he's bullying and controlling please take your daughter, get any paperwork ie passports, a bag of clothes each and run now!

toast !!!!!!!!!!!

londonsurrey

Leave now. How do you feel about being there in 18 months' time, still stuck, still not allowed stuff in the house, having your every mundane decision questioned as stupid incompetence, and pregnant again, and then 20 years' time, still stuck, beaten down, and looking at your damaged children, now young adults, knowing that you allowed him to control their lives and upbringing?

Wellyboots6

I have only just stumbled across this thread but may have a little useful advice having some experience of this...

If leaving hm at the moment sounds too difficult then you can start making little plans for in case you decide to leave in the future:

Get all your paperwork such as passport, driving licence, a utility bill to prove address, birth certificates for yourself and your daughter etc and hide them all in a safe place that you can get to easily (not in an underwear drawer or anywhere obvious).

See if you can open a seperate bank account that he does not know about. You don't need to have any money in it yet.

Get a spare key cut to the house and either give it to someone you trust to look after, or again hide it somewhere you can get to easily (not in the same place as the paperwork)

Start saving any loose change or bank notes that he wont miss, and again hide these in another safe place.

Hang a warm jacket up by the front door and leave enough money for a taxi to somewhere safe in the pocket of the jacket.

Save phone numbers of womens aid, friends you can stay with, hostels, cheap bed and breakfasts etc in your phone but save them under different names.

These things can all help if you need to leave very suddenly.

Also, could you email your GP, CPN, Midwife etc? Or even just email their offices asking that for your next appointment could they insist on seeing you alone? If you are managing to post on here regularly I assume you have internet access that your husband is not controlling?

I don't know if any of this will help, but please take care of yourself xxx

BitterAndTwisted

I've just re-read this thread and seen the OP's new posts.

Dear God in heaven I am so sad and angry I've wept. For a stranger.

Angel, what you've described about how he controls the tiniest details to go as far as not letting you do the effing laundry by yourself or make the toast for your own child is completely and utterly abnormal. You must know in your own heart that this is the case.

Just because you have mental health issues does not mean that you can't run a home adequately or that you can't raise your child in an emotionally healthy and safe environment You can. You know that is true. He is the most cynical opportunist and has clearly been working on undermining you and your confidence for a very long time. I fear that changing him will be impossible. Therefore the only option is to believe that you can have a different life, that you can provide a different life for your child. If you can't countenance leaving for yourself, try and imagine doing it for your daughter's sake.

Please, I beg you.

Plans_all_plans

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

You have both been through a lot and neither is bound to be thinking straight.

I would suggest some serious bereavement counselling, followed by marriage counselling from Relate or similar, before making any drastic decisions.

(If you were to split, which I don't think is the best course of action at the mo until you BOTH seek some counselling, then you would be entitled to your fair share of anything in his name as you are married)

I did not realise the whole back story to your situation when I made the above post. If what bitter and twisted said is true about his parents not knowing about you, the p0rn etc, then there are MUCH deeper issues than the loss of your child. The post you made about toast was very frightening and I think this man is seriously controlling and abusive.

I have changed my mind and I don't think any amount of counselling is going to help this situation. I think you should leave and get help. Best of luck.