My eldest has changed his xmas list

the_cat

Well yes you could bring up the subject yet again. That would show him how important this is to you, how much sadness it brings, how much he can manipulate you. Go round and round the same merry-go-round, get into a row, demand closure now, not get it because he will react.

How much more powerful to drop it. Let him be the one to do the running. Let him show how important it is for a change. If he comes to you, he will have to broach it from a conciliatory standpoint. If you broach it, he will be on the defensive

Of course you want closure. Presumably though you don't want it as badly as harmony. Take your pick

~Chameleon~

victory wrote: »

Of course my eldest has the money went three ways, sorry if I gave the wrong impression, it has been spent on my OH his books and stuff, my youngest and eldest of course the eldest and yes I am listening , see how the written word gets taken out of context?

Yes, true, we can only go on what you write here. Perhaps he could have put that money together with his xmas money towards a laptop then?

Can you remember when these battles first started? Because that's what this is between you both, a battle of wills/power. The actual item you're arguing over is irrelevant. He wants something, you say no and the battle ensues.

Maz

I remember another thread of yours about this son - was it his birthday or something? Anyhoo, this thread just appears to be a repeat performance from both of you.

I agree with the posters who say that YOU can't change his behaviour but you can certainly change your behaviour and the way you react, when he starts with the obnoxious, disrespectful attitude. I recommend that you get a copy of 'How to recognise, understand and deal with people who try and control you' by Patricia Evans. And read it.

I know he's your son and you love him but tbh, if this was a son of mine I'd be deeply ashamed of him.

victory

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the_cat

So you are going to drop it?

victory

[..................

Mojisola

victory wrote: »

I pick peace and harmony yes I do

But you can't have peace and harmony while you're letting him behave like this. At best, you'll have a brief respite when he's nice until the next "want" sets him off again.

victory

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Nelski

badmumof1 wrote: »

OMG just read random pages and OMG are you being serious on all of this as trolloloing comes to mind or you are one serious !!!!ed up family.
NO WAY would i let any of my lot dictate to me and that included all those who we have fostered through our doors who HAVE lived a terrible life.
SPOILT SPOILT SPOILT end of and Im afriad you have made your son the way he is and no amount of posting on here or advice that is given will help unless you listen and help yourself. The more you post random threads on here the less time you are spending on resolving the situation with him especially when you will not listen to people who are trying to help you.

Have to agree with above victory - this thread is pointless now and I wonder what more you think you will get out of it. Hours and hours of "ah buts......" hours and hours of "poor me...." Maybe you feel better for talking about it but this is now ridiculous. Have you considered switching your computer off and actually doing something about this - or not - just do something constructive real life wise? I know MSE is somewhat addictive but girl you can take that to another level

Im out

Bumpmakesfour

victory wrote: »

Not to his every whim no, not to make him into a spoilt brat that cries and screams and gets his own way no, I feel guilty that along the way all the way through this more often than not it was not possible to get what he wanted when he wanted it and he seems somewhat scarred by it all, so hard done by, seeing all his mates get and time again he does not, could have been lovelier if he did have something some of the time but according to him he had nothing none of the time.

I find that sad he thinks like that yes I do.

If you were to ask him he would say he has been disappointed all the way through, he has caused it himself to a vast extent and I have become inadequate.

Firstly yes I think you've done yourself no favours by sometimes giving in to his strops or allowing him to make you feel so guilty.
He's now reached the age of 18 and you're having to try to teach him a lesson he really should have been taught far far earlier on.My kids are much younger and learnt very quickly that stomping your feet gets you nowhere.Maybe on some level your younger child is more accepting of things because you realised where you'd gone wrong and did things differently second time round?Is that a possibility?
People can tell you you favour your youngest and slate you for it but you've been honest and said you favour his demeanour and as much as I hate to say it that is being human surely?My three have totally different personalities.The eldest and youngest are so unbelievably loving,helpful and smiley,the middle one is Miss grumpy,hates helping and moans alll the time about anything and everything bless her.I LOVE them all the same,they get treated the same but I'm not going to deny I find DD1 harder to get along with sometimes.Does that mean I'm a bad mum?
I think the only time things like this become an issue is if you compare the two..do you actually tell your eldest you wish he was more like his brother etc?
One other thing,you don't talk much about your OH's reaction in this thread.How does he feel about your sons latest outburst?I'm only asking because I know my DH would have gone absolutely mad if my son had made me as upset as you sound..again!What does your hubby think you should do?