My eldest has changed his xmas list

gravitytolls

victory wrote: »

Envy makes him what shall we call it bitter jealous, unreasonable, cruel with words, difficult to live with and childish.

He makes me feel as if I am not good enough as a mother, that I should be better, I told him that he needs to know that we are not the family that can provide for him as he would like but to know that we love him and that we would do anything for him which just have not got the finances, he makes me feel worthless.

Maybe it's an eldest thing, it's our eldest who brings worry and heart ache to the home. On a happy note, he's cleaned up his act ~ fo rnow, but we seem to be always awaiting the next 'moment'.

Sorry, that's rubbish isn't it? No useful advice whatsoever. From our experience, no matter what you say, he will always believe that he is not treated fairly, never has been, never will be, no matter what you do. So you may as well tell him this is it, and then torment yourself, wring your hands, shed a few tears, until this episode passes.

Everyone i know who has a difficult child (not always the eldest), seems to go through the same, though happily, they do, almost without exception, turn their lives around and become happier individuals. We live in hope.

victory

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meritaten

I read your first post with disbelief! I thought from the title itwas a child who had decided that they didnt want scooby doo monster house but something else instead - but you are posting about an 'adult'! he is over sixteen and is behaving like a six year old! I really am sitting here shaking my head that someone is behaving this way!
My Aspergers grandson (who has very clear ideas on 'fairness' wouldnt behave like this!!!)!

Give him money, hun, to the exact penny - tell him to buy his laptop or waste it on anything he likes!

I would also stop letting him control you in this way! my FIL had a saying 'As you sow, so shall you reap'! put your foot down and stop this nonsense!

my three kids were always treated fairly - the same amount was always spent on them - tho my middle child thinks that he was always left out or treated less well - photos of christmas past proves him wrong! what he is REALLY miffed about was the amount of attention my youngest (severely asthmatic) child got. I cannot do anything about the time I spent in hospital with youngest, beyond my control and I have come to the conclusion I cannot change middle childs perceptions. just hope for him to 'grow up'!

victory

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victory

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victory

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esmy

I'm glad that you hear the compliments about your son from others. This should tell you that he is not the demanding spoiled petulant child he can be at home when he wants to make an impression. It should also show you that if he knows how to behave, you've done a reasonably good job with him. Like all kids, he will save his worst for where he is safe and can predict the response and that is with you.

I remember overhearing a conversation between my eldest DD and a friend who was upset - I was stunned, as the sympathetic thoughtful wise girl on the phone couldn't be the same one who 30 minutes ago had been extremely rude to me. I was very proud of her.

I can't understand why his demands for things beyond your means distresses you so much. The solution to this is very simple - you say 'No sorry we can't', don't discuss or argue but explain why if he's reasonable. When you've said your piece, say no more. No matter how much you talk about it or he whines, it won't change will it? It's only as we become properly adult that we understand that what we want and need are two very different things - he isn't there yet.

the_cat

Tell him that as he has made it clear that no present short of a laptop is going to be acceptable and that is unaffordable, that you have decided to save the money you would have spent on a different present as it would just be a waste. You could choose to put aside the money to add to his birthday fund next time around if you wished, or simply just use it for something else. Do not argue, raise your voice or discuss it further. Either he will backtrack (if he believes you will follow through) or he will have the hump for Christmas (small price to pay as he needs to get the message)

A present is a privilege, not a right. Privileges need to be earnt - in behaviour and graciousness.

meritaten

victory wrote: »

Thanks unfortuately for me he is not 6 no he is a teenager with such definete ideas he will just loose it to get it and he doesn't

and here is YOUR problem hun. YOU are scared of HIM losing it! Thats the bottom line isnt it? So, you allow him to dictate to you - to keep the peace - and he is playing it for all he is worth! Victory, unless you intend to bow down and prostate yourself on the floor for HIM to walk all over you, for the rest of your life, end this bullying now! cos that is exactly what he is doing - Bullying you!

and stop kidding yourself its about being fair - it isnt! he wants to be top dog here by asking for a christmas present which is too expensive - and he knows it!

victory

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