My eldest has changed his xmas list

victory

..............

Lotus-eater

victory wrote: »

tough call?

No, very easy call, he's upsetting the rest of the family, when he doesn't, he will be allowed back.

lostinrates

see, I read 18 year old with a work effort and think....I could do with one of those round here to work ..send him to boot camp lost in rates. ROFL

stargazer59

Victory in your first post you said that he was wanting to be with his GF at Xmas but because you wanted him at home he would be i think?

Why not just say you are happy if he wants to be with them on Xmas day? Or is it really that you want him at home no matter what?

It is hard to take advice on your parenting from others but you did ask.

Are you scared he won't love you anymore?

I feel you get caught up in dramas and although they make you upset you enjoy them, when i read the thread about your garden i thought you were overreacting and i think you do this with your son too.

i am glad you listened about the board but you do not seem to realise that it would be humiliating to him, that you are treating him like a child then demanding adult behaviour. you also mention telling him/showing him things you put on here? really? I would be so angry and hurt if my mother told all and sundry online about me, and the things you said about him were not exactly complimentery were they?

I guess you don't really want to hear all this and it is said not to upset you, but to tell you what we see from what you have written.

Good luck it's a long road being a parent

flower24

Just give him x-amount of money to spend as he likes....

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

His spending x amount of time at his gf is not it. spend all you like used to it fine with it , he is happy that is all I want but xmas day is xmas day, NYE he is going to London with all his mates, so what there is no need for him to be here, means nothing , xmas day does or not?

Please read the thread yes they have slapping him yes they have, throwing him out oh plenty of posters have yes they have, step back sure can do that but to say the posters have not said the above is a mistruth

Victory he is 18 - if he really wants to spend Christmas Day with his gf and her family, let him.
Give him the option, and don't buy into the mutual blackmail ("I'd really love you to be here with us on Christmas Day and I'll be very upset if you're not, to complete the family Christmas" from you, followed by "I know you really want me here on Christmas Day and I'm doing that just for you, but you can't push the boat out and buy me the top-of-the-range laptop I want" guilt trip from him). You can tell him calmly that of course you'd still like him to be there with you, but you understand if he wants to spend Christmas with his gf, the choice is his.

He should be able to choose where he wants to spend Christmas Day. No need for any kind of threat about throwing him out, telling him to stay away etc etc - none of that drama necessary at all.

How many more years do you think you should expect (almost demand) that he spends Christmas Day with you at home, out of interest?

kitschkitty

victory wrote: »

My son has been very close to being asked ot leave often recently one time before his 18th so bad it was, this time now go and stay at gf for xmas day, OH and I have talked about it a lot, eldest does not know that he has been sovery close he knows close but so close , I am clawing to prevent it, it could be the right futuristically thing to do or the most terrible thing I have ever prevented from happening, it could be with no long lasting damage or monumental unforgivable hurt on each part and so destructive it could ruin everything, tough call?

It's just one day, the very next day you have the freedom to change your mind, it can never be "so destructive it could ruin everything". You're not shooting him in the head, your letting him spend Christmas day with his girlfriend, you need to get a sense of proportion here.

If that one day leads you to make it days, weeks, months or longer it's still not the end of the world. Really, how many millions of people have temporarily left home only to grow up a bit any return, and forge better more respectful relationships between themselves and their parents.

If your son didn't come home straight away, he still has places to go, other friends etc. He has a job too. He isn't going to starve, or be so upset he chucks himself under a bus.

And you won't drop dead from sorrow, guilt or loneliness either.

You just need to realise that these situations aren't as dire as you are imagining them to be.

Nimeth

Ok, I've managed to read most of the thread so far, may have missed a few things but think I've got the gist of it.

Victory, I think a large part of your son's behaviour is because he wants to be an Alpha male. He wants more, bigger, better than everyone else so they'll all admire and want to emulate him. Not much to do with the way you raised him, that's just plain old human nature! Humans and society have evolved, but the basic instincts are still there underneath, including the drive to be an Alpha male. Basically I'm saying it's not necessarily something specific that you've done to make him behave the way he does.

However I do think that the situation has dissolved into tit for tat arguments and yes, some emotional blackmailing. I know that you'd like him to wise up and change his behaviour but I don't think that's going to be forthcoming any time soon. I think you need to be the bigger person here, be the parent, and change the way you deal with him. Don't argue with him, simply state it the way it is at the beginning and then leave the room. Repeat every time he starts up with the demanding and nagging. If he says I'll go to gf's for Christmas and won't spend it with you, call his bluff and say 'Fine, we'll see you when you've stopped sulking'. (And maybe add silently to yourself "And don't let the door hit you in the arris on the way out":D) Stick at it, be consistent with him and hopefully he will begin to change his own behaviour accordingly! What have you got to lose/ Try it and if it doesn't work, try something else, you will get there in the end!

Hope I've made sense here and remember that your son does love you, even if he is a PITA sometimes!

coolcait

victory wrote: »

My eldest gets envious, he has a friend his dad is a lawyer and they are well off and what he wants he gets, I understand that, eldest understands that we are not well off , that every penny is accounted for and he understand that but he says if there is one time to ease the purse strings and have a bit of luxury or lavishness it is xmas and that is why he has asked at xmas for a laptop as well as talking to his mates who more than not are getting one.

Gadgets and gizmos should be a xmas luxury indulgence he says if you can't you can't I say

BiB - so he hasn't moved on from the 'everyone else is allowed to do it/ everyone else has got it/them' school of argument?

If he's not living with you, who is he living with/paying for him? Because those the words in bold are not the words of an independent and mature young man, paying his own way in the world.

As for everything being 50/50 at Christmas time, I do follow that rule personally. I have a budget, and each child gets presents to the same value. They know that if one of them asks for a present which takes up most of their share of the budget, and the other asks for a multitude of cheaper presents, then the piles of preswents will reflect that. But they will each have had 50% of the 'spend on the kids' budget.

(apologies if I'm repeating what others have said - I'm giving you my instant reaction to your first two posts)

Lunar_Eclipse

victory wrote: »

He makes me feel as if I am not good enough as a mother, that I should be better, I told him that he needs to know that we are not the family that can provide for him as he would like but to know that we love him and that we would do anything for him which just have not got the finances, he makes me feel worthless.

I'm sorry he makes you feel this way Victory, especially because there is no link between love and your financial ability to provide for your son.

He appears to be very materialistic, but without being rude, you are presumably participating in these discussions with him about what he 'wants' for Christmas. I think that's the problem. My advice is to stop these discussions with him about what you're buying your youngest, why his request for a laptop is or isn't reasonable etc. I'd stop encouraging this behaviour immediately.