My eldest has changed his xmas list

Lotus-eater

victory wrote: »

True it has always been a high issue with him, school friends, they get money, I want money, he did not get money, school friends off to USA he did not go £850 for 10 tens could not afford it maybe he feels that he never got one single thing and feels cheated, hard done by, that all his life he has never ever had and keeps asking because one day he may be getting?

Well it's about time you taught him that life's like that. And either he'd better get used to it toot sweet, or he's going to have a pretty unhappy life.
I wouldn't put up with the moaning, the constant demands, I would blow my top and give him a piece of my mind as to how much things really cost. Then I'd tell him if he didn't like it, to find somewhere better.
Then he might start standing on his own feet and being a better person.
Then he can be friends with you as an adult, the way it should be.

lostinrates

victory wrote: »

He says he is a man a grown man the big 18 makes him a man I paint a picture of him being his age and acting like a child, my OH does not demand a laptop and nor does my youngest and nor have I

victory...

you are reading very ''upset''. I beg you to take a deep breath, and know that whatever people are saying here, they are tryig to help or sho things from a PoV you are not considering or accepting.

forget the lap top. forget it. This is not about a lap top. This is about your son and you maintaining a relationship into his adult hood. You are BOTH at fault, but you are the parnt, the adult, the one not in raging hormonal teens and who has the benefit of adult hood.

re ending back up in circles with him......you are ending back up in circles with yourself too. If you can resolve THAT you are in a position to help your son.

re christmas: I think you and your partner need to write hima letter for christmas day. not laying on guilt, not getting frustrated but sayig you are sorry that things are fraught, that you both love him very, very dearly and that you can't afford the laptop but you have £xxx for him to put towards whatever he wants if he will accept that.

re the girlfriends family: I think you would do better with them onside. Can you talk to her mum and say he is using them as a scapegoat and while you are THRILLED he has their daughter and them in his life you need to help him to be the man he can be, hopefully a man who will make their daughter happy, and thi might involve some tough love at home, and you would appreciate them not cuchioning it there. They might choose to do otherise, but you can ask.

victory

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victory

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Lotus-eater

victory wrote: »

Rather than regret it I took the cowards way out and went upstairs for a bath, told OH later that I so wanted to say it but best not ot incase it wasthe wrong time (heated) would live to regret it (he would have not had said it other than in the moment) me saying ok can't take that back can I ?

You don't get heated, worst thing to do, you don't want to shout him out the door. You want to calmly tell him a few home truths and not before time tbh.
You need to stop the way you are working, at least you can admit it isn't working and consistently refuse to hear anything bad coming out of him, consistently means every single time. It means you deal with it, instead of skirting round it.

determined_new_ms

victory wrote: »

Toot sweet I like that:rotfl: many conversations explaining to him adults saive, adults sacrifice, adults don't get all they want, adults struggle, all of that, you are going to have an unhappy life if you react like this, you are going to be disappointed, you are going to make it harder for yourself etc etc he knows he has been told.

He knows he still is as he is

but he needs to learn this himeslef, you don't need to tell him! I never learnt a leasson that my folks told me, but when I suffered the consequences I did learn pretty quickly. Lots of thats though love, what are you going to do about it? are in order I think!

victory

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victory

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victory

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lostinrates

victory wrote: »

Thank you taking a rest now going to put up the tree with youngest, asked eldest if he would like to come but he said no too busy, fair enough.

I don't have a friendship with future in laws, social etc asked them to come for xmas drinks they have other plans, talk on the phone that is about it, OH says we should talk to gf and son together, suggested it to son he was dead against it, can't think why?:rotfl::rotfl:

I have written him a letter here and there and he has read it said thanks mum and left it like that, it changed it didn't it made it better it didn't the usual.

one letter here or there WON'T change things: but it should get you through the day. you need to be 100% consistant, and not nag, but just go quiet when his behaviour gets ''unaccetable''. Maybe go into your bedroom and shut the door if you feel your temper/frustration repsonding. You can start that now. I bet if you say NOTHING hen he's difficult and respond like a 1950 houewife when he's ''good'' it will confuse him a bit. He might even think you have flipped but every repsonse you give him is feeding his energy to carry on. while you fight back the batle is ongoing, and while its ongoing he thinks he might still win.