My eldest has changed his xmas list

dirtysexymonkey

victory wrote: »

But he is not though is he?

he is with his gf family. so obviously the issue is you.

have you considered that as you are, with how he is, you are a destructive force on him, and he you?

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

If you were to ask him we spend not a penny on him, we have a wipe board in the kitchen if he loans it gets put there, sends him crazy 'everyone gets x y z paid for by parents' Iget it written on the board

wipe it off and don't comment on it.
when he starts any conversation with you along the lines of "so-and-so's parents give him this, give her that" walk away. DO NOT ENGAGE in any of it - you've had these discussions for months now, all it does is wind both of you up, and nothing is ever resolved at the end of it.

I think you are reading and hearing that he is pushing your buttons because he wants to, but I'm really not sure you understand that he's doing it because he gets a reaction. Stop reacting, and he'll have no-one's buttons to push.

victory

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stargazer59

I feel you need to understand what it is you want. You seem to want him to act like an adult yet you insist on treating him like a child, the board in the kitchen for example, that is like the sticker chart my daughter used for my granddaughter.

You seem to treat your children differently, i always spent the same on mine, i do not see why you don't, you have been asked this endlessly but have not answered.

I find myself confused by what you want from him, is it to be the son who confides in you and lets you have the storybook Christmas you dream of? I am really confused. i think his GF's parents probably treat him like an adult and that is why he is more amenable with them, they are hardly going to nag him are they?

I actually feel sorry for your son as he is getting such mixed messages from you, he feels he is not treated the same as his younger sibling, yet you want him to be an adult and a child at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, it is a hard thing bringing up teenagers, i am surprised i have managed to get 3 of them into adulthood and still have a 13 year old to get there, but fairness and treating them equally was one thing i always did, and knowing when to cut the apron strings no matter how much it hurts.

Good luck Op , i hope you manage to get through this as you will be going through this all again in a few years!

euronorris

victory wrote: »

You see thatis what I cannotfor the life of me understand how can a teenager that is given money my money, my OH money that he worked hard for and is happy willingly giving it over to a teenater who is saying to us that is not enough? That I want more? That I expect more? Why?

Because he's a teenager, he's testing boundaries, and because he knows from past experience that kicking up a fuss and sulking long enough will get him what he wants.

Ignore the bad behaviour. When it gets too much, calmly say 'If you continue with this attitude then we will remove x, y or z. Your choice.' and then leave it at that.

So then I go loopy and take the whole lot off him, go on that he is ungrateful, who does he think he is? Etc and catch 22 goes around again

See above. Don't go loopy. This is one of the reasons he reacts so strongly to you when you say no to something. You have given him that example, and he's copied it. I'm not criticising, just noticing it so that you can see it too and change it.

Oh, and don't take EVERYTHING from him in one go. You need to have other things to remove, if you need to escalate things a little more.

We do this all the time the kitchen board, deduct x for this attitude and y for that he huffs and hates it it goes back to normal he realises we stand by it he looses out he hates it we go back to normal...

Please consider getting a small notebook to write things down in, such as loans etc. Having it in such a public place for all to see is not very nice, and is probably not helping with his attitude. Grant him some privacy as an adult.

Oh, and again, he's going to test you. Stand firm.

The thing is honestly answer this question regardless of the laptop if we are offering x amount of money and he says not enough would you not want to punch him and take every last penny off him?

Punch him? No. I think that's quite an extreme response to be honest. Would it wind me up and make me angry? Yes. Would I let that show? Oh hell no! lol. I would just say, 'Well, you know the rules. Gifts are a privilage, so if you are going to continue being so ungrateful, then you will not get any money (or only x amount instead).'.

Sure we both do and we do and we have but from that he never learns and goes back to being a demander again

Again, he's a teenager. It's going to take time for things to change, and he's going to push you over and over again, until one day he realises it just isn't worth the effort anymore because you won't give in.

I'm not saying it's easy. I'm sure I drove my parents crazy at times, but it is the only way, and it will get easier.

If it helps, I can remember telling my parents, on more than one occasion, that I hated them. Called them so many nasty names. I didn't mean it, and I'm ashamed of myself now for saying such things. But they stood firm, I grew up, and we now have a great relationship.

victory

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euronorris

victory wrote: »

Silent treatment, rant, cross, angry, smiling, non smiling, chat, calmness, conversation, ignore, talk, see it from his side, see it from my side, see it from OH side, see it from youngest side done it all done it all

Exactly my point. You haven't stuck at any of them consistently.

victory

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newcook

Even now at 31 I still owe my mom money – she knows how much and marks it down in her little book when I pay some money off my debt. She keeps the little book in her handbag and knows that no-one will go in there.

I would be mortified if she had it written on the kitchen wipe board for all and sundry to see!!

victory

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