My eldest has changed his xmas list

victory

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dirtysexymonkey

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Perhaps the OP's son needs to realise that, too. Being 17 / 18 and doing A levels in my parents' house and as their child included an expectation of working very hard at school, only socialising at weekends, getting top grades in GCSE and A level exams, helping out at home, being polite and respectful. It meant being at school from 8.30am until 3.45pm every weekday, working in the library during free lesson periods. I did do "things" during the week, but they were chess tournaments, netball matches, or debating competitions. Not going to the pub.

I was 27 years old before my parents publically acknowledged a sexual relationship in my life - I'd been living with OH for 7 years by then, and was heavily pregnant. My parents in general, and my Dad in particular, would have flipped if I'd even hinted that I might stay the night at a boyfriend's house when I was 18.

So yes, I was given a computer. But as a surprise present, after getting all As at A level. And I did get my driving lessons paid for, and get insured on my mother's car, but then I drove my siblings around, nipped to the supermarket to get stuff, etc.

There would have been no possibility of living as the OP's son does, drifting between home / boyfriend's house, going to college sometimes, demanding this, that, t'other and which, and getting lots of money spent on me.

I had a very happy, secure, loving childhood and adolescence, and a materially-advantaged one. I'm now 33, so I have a home, career, OH and son of my own, but I'm still very close to my parents, sisters and brother. My upbringing was also one of high parental expectations, hard work, calm at home (well, as calm as any home is with 4 children, 2 dogs, and a couple of cats) and general respect and helping out. (I got 7 As and 3 Bs at GCSE, and no-one was very impressed. I had to get a grip at A level).

The OP's son is seriously deluded if he thinks that being a well-off barrister's child involves drifting about, being rude, and getting lots of money handed out.

that very much depends on the barrister, doesnt it? and the other parent?

other than that, i agree with you. far too many parents dont put the difficult work in but expect their children to just turn out like you - it doesnt work like that.

pimento

victory wrote: »

I think anyone reading this thread and the others can see clearly he deserves nothing, a slap, he deserves to be thrown on the streets, he deserves to have a short sharp take on reality, every single priveldge should be taken away from him..

No, he really doesn't. Just treat him like the grown-up he is.

*max*

victory wrote: »

I think anyone reading this thread and the others can see clearly he deserves nothing, a slap, he deserves to be thrown on the streets, he deserves to have a short sharp take on reality, every single priveldge should be taken away from him, he is ..well he just is and we have, we have taken off him, we have talked to him, we have done so flippin much it beggers belief that he can and does and still goes on and expects and demands when we have just ahhhhhh

Errr no, not everyone!

Anyway. I think you treat your two boys very differently, and his behaviour probably comes from that, rightly or wrongly. It's clear from your posts here and in other threads that you strongly favour your youngest, and your eldest most likely can see it. Ok, so he isn't blameless, but you need to stop talking about him in such harsh words because you contributed to him being this way.

Also, you really need to start following the advice you asked for, because nothing will change otherwise, and you will be back in a week with yet another thread about your woes and how eldest is so demanding/childish/untidy/ungrateful/immature... (ad infinitum).

victory

~chameleon~ wrote: »

quite possibly because you still treat him like a child? Maybe he has more respect for his gf's family as they treat him like the adult he is? Just a thought based on your posts here

ok.............................

euronorris

victory wrote: »

I promise you hand on heart on my fathers grave that we have had that conversation, I promise you we have, pretty much those words we have. OH also I promise.

I have had days of not speaking to him, the silent treatment both ways, theslamming of doors, the chats, the rants, the calm, the why not get me please? The I want and you will provide days, oh every days of days, he got it all taken off for his birthday, a request in the summer gone, you would think he would keep calm and learn, see what we did, know what we can do to him, he learn, he did for a few weeks and now straight back to this, it did not change it did for such a short time we are straight back into it.

Amazing, what was the point of all the conversations/chats/threats/take offs/silence/rants/everything to go straight back to this again?

He's testing you! He's not going to drop such habits overnight. You're going to have to stand firm each and every time he pushes you.

Oh, and I wouldn't give him the silent treatment. Refuse to discuss a certain topic, sure, but not the silent treatment. Otherwise, you're only teaching him that that is the way to deal with things, when it isn't.

neverdespairgirl

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

that very much depends on the barrister, doesnt it? and the other parent?

other than that, i agree with you. far too many parents dont put the difficult work in but expect their children to just turn out like you - it doesnt work like that.

Probably. It was like that with those I knew as a child, though. Both my friends' parents, and my parents' friends' children.

dirtysexymonkey

victory wrote: »

You see thatis what I cannotfor the life of me understand how can a teenager that is given money my money, my OH money that he worked hard for and is happy willingly giving it over to a teenater who is saying to us that is not enough? That I want more? That I expect more? Why?

So then I go loopy and take the whole lot off him, go on that he is ungrateful, who does he think he is? Etc and catch 22 goes around again

We do this all the time the kitchen board, deduct x for this attitude and y for that he huffs and hates it it goes back to normal he realises we stand by it he looses out he hates it we go back to normal...

The thing is honestly answer this question regardless of the laptop if we are offering x amount of money and he says not enough would you not want to punch him and take every last penny off him?

Sure we both do and we do and we have but from that he never learns and goes back to being a demander again

maybe he wants the same amount that you spend on his sibling?

victory

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aliasojo

victory wrote: »

......smiles all around happiness in abundance, all lovely and now right back to it, how can this be?

He'll never be perfect, no-one is. He's still young and antsy. I know a lot of people announce they have 'lovely' children but I think the vast majority have a 'swine' streak in them to some extent until they mature and move on.

It's all down to management I reckon.

euronorris wrote: »

This is where you are going wrong, I think.

You are taking all of this so personally. He doesn't want to make you feel inadequate, or upset you etc. He's just a teenager who wants, not just what his friends have, but one better than them. So, his wants change frequently, and he is just trying to manipulate you in order to get what he wants.

Don't rise to it, don't be manipulated, and don't let it upset you. You can always reply in the same way my mother used to, and how I now do with my neices and nephew, and say 'Oh yes, I'm soooo horrible, I'm really evil, you poor thing.' with a smile on my face. When they realise their tactics are not working, they soon give up. Fickle little things they are.

This. :T

newcook wrote: »

Sometimes I wish I was a family friend so I could pop round and bang your blo0dy heads together!!!!!

You 2 are very alike in some respects – he is trying to bully you into buying what he wants because if you don’t he will go and spend xmas with gf, you are doing the old emotional thing to him of ‘all I want for xmas is for us all to be together’ and that it will break your heart if he’s not there…

And this. :T