My eldest has changed his xmas list

victory

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tom9980

victory wrote: »

I over exaggerate, I can't follow through like the last row of oh well now you are not getting xmas presents, you are notgetting x y z, been told of for that in many a thread, I go overthe top and rant, false rant, unnecesary rant, needto calm down take a step back before I go off and that is why this time after being showed that is what I do this time when on thetip of my tongue was 'go and stay at your gf for xmas day' I chose not to and went and had a bath instead, you learn, you read, you post, it worked, I saved saying something I knew I would regret.

Fair enough you have a hot head and bite your tongue when hes kicking off at you, however you should be taking timeout to come up with a plan of action to deal with that behavior, ideally agreeing a course of action with your OH.

It is unreasonable that your son is rejecting the offer of over £100 in cash! most kids his age would kill for that offer. he also has a job he can easily save £10 a week if he really wants the laptop. Seems to me hes laying it on because he knows he has a chance of getting what he wants from you because you are weak. What you need to do is come up with a plan of action with your OH and agree with him what will happen depending on what you son does.

for example

son shuts up from this point on: he gets the £150 or the driving lessons/clothes

Son keeps complaining a bit: deduct something only give him £50 cash and clothes

Son kicks off big time and wont be there xmas: Son gets his money donated to charity!.

come up with a plan.

Caroline_a

Originally Posted by Caroline_a
Christmas lists are to give people ideas... not a god-given right! Mine has a new car on it , some designer clothes that magically make me into a size 10, and a house that cleans itself!

Hey! You nicked my Christmas list!

You can share...

victory

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poorly_scammo

Can I ask OP, that now you've read the replies what you intend to do? Have you come up with a strategy? You seem to recognise that your relationship with him needs to change. I was wondering whether you'd decided on a course of action.

From reading your threads about him, you seem to be determined for him to like you at all costs. I don't think it's important for children (because that's what he is to me) to like their parents. It's nice to get on with them but 'no' means 'no' to me regardless of any loss of popularity.

I also agree with the poster who mentioned the example you're setting with regard to his behaviour around other women. I do hope he won't treat his partners the way he currently treats you.

victory

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euronorris

victory wrote: »

he wants makes me feel inadequate.

This is where you are going wrong, I think.

You are taking all of this so personally. He doesn't want to make you feel inadequate, or upset you etc. He's just a teenager who wants, not just what his friends have, but one better than them. So, his wants change frequently, and he is just trying to manipulate you in order to get what he wants.

Don't rise to it, don't be manipulated, and don't let it upset you. You can always reply in the same way my mother used to, and how I now do with my neices and nephew, and say 'Oh yes, I'm soooo horrible, I'm really evil, you poor thing.' with a smile on my face. When they realise their tactics are not working, they soon give up. Fickle little things they are.

neverdespairgirl

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

the differences between you and the ops son are easy to spot - you were raised in very different ways.

Perhaps the OP's son needs to realise that, too. Being 17 / 18 and doing A levels in my parents' house and as their child included an expectation of working very hard at school, only socialising at weekends, getting top grades in GCSE and A level exams, helping out at home, being polite and respectful. It meant being at school from 8.30am until 3.45pm every weekday, working in the library during free lesson periods. I did do "things" during the week, but they were chess tournaments, netball matches, or debating competitions. Not going to the pub.

I was 27 years old before my parents publically acknowledged a sexual relationship in my life - I'd been living with OH for 7 years by then, and was heavily pregnant. My parents in general, and my Dad in particular, would have flipped if I'd even hinted that I might stay the night at a boyfriend's house when I was 18.

So yes, I was given a computer. But as a surprise present, after getting all As at A level. And I did get my driving lessons paid for, and get insured on my mother's car, but then I drove my siblings around, nipped to the supermarket to get stuff, etc.

There would have been no possibility of living as the OP's son does, drifting between home / boyfriend's house, going to college sometimes, demanding this, that, t'other and which, and getting lots of money spent on me.

I had a very happy, secure, loving childhood and adolescence, and a materially-advantaged one. I'm now 33, so I have a home, career, OH and son of my own, but I'm still very close to my parents, sisters and brother. My upbringing was also one of high parental expectations, hard work, calm at home (well, as calm as any home is with 4 children, 2 dogs, and a couple of cats) and general respect and helping out. (I got 7 As and 3 Bs at GCSE, and no-one was very impressed. I had to get a grip at A level).

The OP's son is seriously deluded if he thinks that being a well-off barrister's child involves drifting about, being rude, and getting lots of money handed out.

newcook

Sometimes I wish I was a family friend so I could pop round and bang your blo0dy heads together!!!!!

You 2 are very alike in some respects – he is trying to bully you into buying what he wants because if you don’t he will go and spend xmas with gf, you are doing the old emotional thing to him of ‘all I want for xmas is for us all to be together’ and that it will break your heart if he’s not there…

My ex boyfriends mom always expected him to be there for Christmas dinner – the first year we had our house I said in the September I was going to do dinner in our first house (so she had plenty of warning) but even xmas morning she was still stamping her feet about it and how I had ruined xmas! We lived down the road and invited her and her OH, but she still wasn’t having any of it!

Needless to say he is an EX because his mother made him be a spoilt manboy who always expected to get their own way because he learnt with his mom that if he sulked long and hard enough he would get what he wanted.


I like the idea of the volunteering in the soup kitchen – he needs to realize the world does not revolve around him, that there are people far worse off (not just in money), and that Christmas is not about the amount of presents or the amount of money it cost.

londonsurrey

victory wrote: »

Thank you , I do not see any needs of gagets and gizmos as my responsibility I see the need I must provide is for him to grow and realise that you get what you put in, it is not given to you just because it is xmas

Excellent. Remind yourself of exactly that the next time he makes you feel inadequate, which should remind you of why you shouldn't feel inadequate for not providing his latest whim.