My eldest has changed his xmas list

londonsurrey

Buy him something from the pound shop, and give him the money you would have spent tied up in a bow.
Alternatively, just give him the pound shop present, and tell him that Santa says he's been a naughty boy this year.

I can see why you want to be a mother with loving happy sons.
However, the point is that you are his mother first and foremost. This means parenting him and putting his actual needs first.

Do you regard his needs as the latest expensive must-have whim, or do you regard his needs as growing into a man with self control and the ability to earn his way in this world?

If it is the former, then by all means be a nice mother, and plead and cajole and placate him. When he eventually does get a wife, there is a big chance that he will bully her too, once he's "got" her. Consider the repercussions on his future children and thereafter.


If you want him to become a man, not a bully, then don't take any more rubbish from him.
Ten, twenty years from now, looking back, would you want to consider the Christmas where he threw a strop, and would you rather remember


Scenario A : You refused to let him ruin it for the family, he may or may not have run off to the GF's family, but it was the start of laying down firm boundaries and him not getting away with acting like an overgrown 3 year old?

Scenario B : You let him hold you to ransom on Christmas 2011, as he has done for the last x years of your lives, and he's still holding you to ransom every Christmas and birthday, still discontented, out of control, a 38 year old man who bullies his mother and expects her to get him the latest hovercraft shoes (or whatever is current in 20 years time)

pulliptears

My 2 are always done equally, although the age gap isn't as great at 14 and 18. That said we used to spend £200 each which has now come down to £100 + a few stocking fillers. DD wants her own PS3 this year so she will have the £100 and make up the difference with her savings, DS will just have the money and buy clothes I expect.

From my POV I couldn't treat them differently, I couldn't give one more than the other (although in all honesty they wouldn't mind). I didn't get DS an advent calendar last year and there was hell up! lmao. I thought at 18 he wouldn't want one but no.

dirtysexymonkey

victory wrote: »

We have thought about that at length, we have asked him, he shows no outer jealousy of youngest at all, he shows childishness in the 50/50 he shows envy of the world that he brings home asking for what everyone else gets, the age gap and eldest at his gf they do not have an awful lot of interaction, different set of friends, different passtimes but my OH and his siblings had age gaps and now they are the best of friends so it will change a lot in to the future at the mo not

why do you consider it childish to expect to be treated equally to your siblings?

Frogletina

victory wrote: »

I told him yesterday, I said to google some and see about making a plan of payment, I said to him to wait for the sales, more for your money, I asked him why he did not ask me sooner as now would be impossible, I asked him why would he have one and no one in this household has one, he said for uni next year so I said maybe next year and he said xmas is being given things you never get the rest of the year

The only response you need Victory is 'no'

He knows that when he wants something that you really want to give him it. What you are doing is making excuses as to why you can't do that and even now you are saying if he had asked before it might have been possible.

Don't be afraid to say no, all children need to hear it sometimes. Don't qualify your answer by saying, 'if I had more money, if I had more notice, if I could I would'.

Just say no.

pimento

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

throw him out. for his own good.

i wont even go into the issue of why you dont want to treat your children equally or '50:50' as you call it, even though i suspect that is at the heart of your sons various issues.

for every thread you make victory, you dont do anything to change your situation. until your ready to do that, your just going to stay in the same situation and keep posting every detail on here.

id be wary of heaping all the blame onto him given what youve posted about in the past. i dont think you understand just how unfair you have admitted to being to him, which probably fuels his behaviour. for example when his employer didnt pay him for a week because of a mistake, you wouldnt let your oh lend him the money to treat his gf for their anniversary despite the fact he would pay the money back the minute he got it.

i also think its very telling that you dont want him to spend xmas with his gfs family because your scared he might enjoy it and you dont want him to do that. you dont want him to leave and so you allow and condone his behaviour and he has no consequences for his actions. can you blame him for trying it on when youve never put your foot down?

you and your oh are the cause of this - you need to put a stop to it, not expect your son to just magically grow up overnight without very little guidance.

Blimey! I agree with dirtysexymoney!

The OP comes across as a bit of a control freak. You need to relax and not let him wind you up. If your budget for presents is £xx just give him the money and let him decide what to spend it on. Let him have control for a change. You'll be less stressed this way that by trying to control every bit of the relationship. Let him go.

victory

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victory

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BitterAndTwisted

His relationship with his sibling might change in the future but your relationship with him will not until and unless you change how you interact with him.

He can't be mentally defective as he would presumably have been diagnosed some time ago so the only answer to how he behaves is you and your OH. Nothing will ever change until you do.

Keep going round and round in the same old circles and post about it over and over again if you like but the power to change things lies only with you.

rachbc

have you actually bought him a christmas present yet- because if he was getting money to spend on driving lessons and clothes then give him the same cash towards a laptop - the same amount you would spend on other ds's TV

eta Sorry crossed posted with your answer

Emmzi

lump of coal!