Friendships being ruined by out of control child :(

skylight

Perhaps she knows and is embarrassed but just cannot deal or cope with it. Perhaps she needs some help over it.

There are a million and one reasons but you'll never know which one if you don't discuss it with the friend you love to bits. Good friends take the rough with the smooth, no matter how difficult. Be very careful how you word things though and I don't envy you one bit over it.

Darlyd

I have one child who is out of control. And no matter how many times I told my child off, put on naughty chair, naughty corner, smacked bottom, talked to her etc it didn't happen, she still ended up being a little brat, and still is now she is 12, things have just got worse, finally getting the help and in middle of diagnosis... Now My other child, is the most polite well mannered, well behaved child you could ever wish to meet. So please don't blame the parents. Makes me so mad when people do, and don't know the facts.

She is probably well embarrassed, perhaps mention to her about "nanny" off of the tv if she is having major problems with him, he could have an underlying condition and it isn't his fault why he acts the way he does? But then taking him the GP may also help but careful as some will just label all naughty/attention seeking children with ADHD and hand out Ritalin sweets..

EDIT: I also want to mention the fact I had friends, who turned against me because of the way my child was, it broke my bloody heart, I felt so alone for years, became a recluse.... And their kids ended up bullying my child then, everyone just turned against her, which has just added to her problems.. Am just so glad I moved over 300 miles away....

Mrs.W_2

darlyd wrote: »

... please don't blame the parents. Makes me so mad when people do, and don't know the facts.

She is probably well embarrassed, perhaps mention to her about "nanny" off of the tv if she is having major problems with him, he could have an underlying condition and it isn't his fault why he acts the way he does? But then taking him the GP may also help but careful as some will just label all naughty/attention seeking children with ADHD and hand out Ritalin sweets..

EDIT: I also want to mention the fact I had friends, who turned against me because of the way my child was, it broke my bloody heart, I felt so alone for years, became a recluse.... And their kids ended up bullying my child then, everyone just turned against her, which has just added to her problems.. Am just so glad I moved over 300 miles away....

Have to echo darlyd. We don't know all the facts. OP, you said you love your friend dearly, so surely it would be better to talk with her?
Yes, you risk losing her friendship, but that is what's happening right now while you are doing nothing to help her or discover more about her child's behaviour problems.

And no matter how discrete you and your friends are with your feelings toward your friend's child, your children will pick up on them. And very likely degrade their relationships with the child in question.

There's no reason why your children should miss out on trips or events. If asked 'are you going to such&such?' simply slip in that you'll be going 'as a family.'


darlyd, wishing you all the best for your daughter's diagnosis.

Millie2008_2

OP, a bit of a curve ball, but could there be more going on here with your friend/the family, could she be a bit depressed maybe and not dealing very well with her son's behaviour? and this not be helping the matter, might something be going on at home or with her partner that you don't know about

I may be well off the mark here and I know that not all children with behavioural issues have such problems, but children in general are very perceptive and if something isn't right in the little boy's world, he may be picking up on and responding to this

Gingham_R

Just a thought. How about approaching the subject by asking her if she's okay and if she's managing okay with him. She can see what he's doing and maybe she needs some support.

That might change things for all of you?

victory

Is your friend happy in her life/marriage/relationship/family have you asked her?

swampduck

Sometimes it needs someone other than the parent to be doing the telling off or - reprimanding if you like!
When my two were younger - I had rules/codes of behaviour which I found acceptable or not as the case may be and if another child did something which I did'nt agree with I would say that is not acceptable here or now.
You may be allowed to behave like that at home but it is not acceptable when you are in my company/out in public and if you continue to behave in this way then you will not be asked to join me/us again.
In this way you are drawing the line at what you find acceptable but still indicating that he/she can be a little s**t at home with mummys' agreement!! But without actually saying so!!
I would never allow my kids to jump all over the furniture at home and would not allow it even if they were told it was ok at their mates' house. By the same token if a friend of theirs came and started jumping all over the furniture they would be told - that is not acceptable here - you may be allowed at home but you are not at home!! So pack it in!! or go home!!
No one should have to put up with unacceptable behaviour from anyone be they a child or an adult. Let's face it if was an adult - you would'nt be backward in telling them to grow up!!
Even children with behavioural problems would be taught guidelines of what is ok or not - they are not allowed a cop out just because of a quirk in their behaviour.

Swampy

jellyhead

How is this child getting on at school?

Your post made me think of one boy locally who is labelled as 'that naughty boy' by pretty much everyone he's ever met - and he's having problems in school because they won't allow him to behave badly there (he's beinf assessed, diagnosed and treated so hopefully things will improve for him).

If your friend's child is not constantly in trouble at school then maybe he's not 'that' bad? Could it be that he's a boy and yours are girls maybe?

In my circle of friends sometimes parents do tell other people's kids off, could you do that? If the kid is rude to you personally, then I think it would be ok to react to that rather than looking at the mother and expecting her to tell him off.

Gingham_R

swampduck wrote: »

Even children with behavioural problems would be taught guidelines of what is ok or not - they are not allowed a cop out just because of a quirk in their behaviour.

Swampy

They can be taught it, but they don't always understand how to apply it or are able to apply it.

For example, a child who has trouble with transitions may be fantastic at self regulating their screen time - ie switch it off unasked after half an hour, but they may simply fall apart over being told to turn it off in someone else's house because the rules are different or they needed some warning that a change/expectation was going to take place.

Sometimes knowing how to handle the child can change things from a battle to a perfectly ordinary experience with a perfectly well behaved youngester.

adamantine

i partially agree with daryld. sometimes if there is a learning issue with a child it can affect their behaviour but i know alot of people who's children have learning issues and the like and their children are still well behaved because they know boundaries, the parents are able to see and pre-empt any problems which may cause a "meltdown" or issue and avoid it.

it all still comes down to the parents at the end of the day. if they think there may be a problem they need to address it. if they dont think there is a problem then they need step up and ensure their child behaves appropriately or they dont go out with the child. if they wont do that then they have to lose out and so does their child.