Friendships being ruined by out of control child :(

meritaten

I think you have been a really good friend - but, there comes a time when you have to consider how those CLOSEST to you are being affected. I know I have come across to some as being uncaring or harsh - but, I am thinking of YOU and YOUR kids (and those of your friends). it sounds as though you have done everything you can think of to help. and been - not rebuffed but, I dunno, she doesnt follow through? as if she wants a magic wand waved? she isnt taking responsibility?
You can only do so much! if its now the end of the road - then so be it. sad yes, but your responsibility is to YOUR kids. not hers.

Nicki

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you have taken care of the child, you have tried to discipline him using normal methods and he has bitten, sworn and spat at you. Why do you think he is not doing this to his own parents? You quite probably have more experience of dealing with challenging behaviours than they do, having the experience of dealing with a child with autism, but even with all those weapons in your arsenal and perhaps applying techniques of behavioural analysis which they have not been trained in, cannot suggest anything which will work. On your own evidence, this child is uncontrollable for whatever reason. Presumably you are not suggesting that mum and dad should resort to physically abusing him, and whilst you disapprove of him being allowed to continue to do karate, perhaps they have found he is marginally better when he had hard physical exercise and burns off some steam.

If you want to cut off contact with the child due to his behaviour, then do so. If you also want to cut off contact with him parents, then do that as well. But it is quite harsh to blame them 100% for his behaviour when they have two other children who don't behave badly, and when you also have been unable to control the child using normal discipline methods.

I am afraid it does sound to me like this child has issues which have not been addressed, whether these are a learning difficulty or a mental health issue, and I suspect his parents are at the end of their tether with him. He is not your problem I agree and you can turn your back at any time you wish, but I personally wouldn't be as quick to blame the parents for the situation, as punishing bad behaviour and rewarding good behaviour on your own evidence is not working with him. As I say, he's not your problem and you probably have enough on your plate already, but I have huge sympathy for this boys parents as he sounds a complete nightmare to live with, and it also sounds like they are well on their way to being socially isolated as a result.

MarilynMonroe_2

Jo Frost needs bringing in! xx she'd sort it all out!

Gingham_R

Oh lord, what an awful situation.

I notice you say that he's okay for men but not for women. This is a really difficult question and not one I'm expecting an answer to, but is it possible that he's reacting to something at home? ie is it possible that his father isn't treating his mother very well?

If it's just one out of her 3 children, I really think there's more to it than bad parenting. That said, I also think you're right to try to protect yourself and your children from him, especially as he's old enough to be getting stronger and bigger very soon.

I would be honest with her that I simply could not be around him while he's behaving like that but I'd also tell her I loved her, and him, and wanted to help her get help for him, whatever the problem is.

minimoneysaver

Sorry, but for the sake of my sanity and my daughter I would not be around this mother whilst her child was there. I would ensure that coffee etc is all done while the said child is in school. At least that way you can maintain your friendship, but you and your children don't have to put up with the behaviour exhibited by the child in question.

mucklebones

Nicki wrote: »

and it also sounds like they are well on their way to being socially isolated as a result.

Aww this made me feel sad, and its exactly whats happened to us. My daughter has ASD and SPD and it often presents itself in behaviours which are difficult to modify. As a result it takes little time before a family becomes isolated. It can be very lonely.

Sorry off topic slightly, there could be all sorts of reasons for this childs behaviour. I really feel for his parents.

Gingham_R

mucklebones wrote: »

Aww this made me feel sad, and its exactly whats happened to us. My daughter has ASD and SPD and it often presents itself in behaviours which are difficult to modify. As a result it takes little time before a family becomes isolated. It can be very lonely.

Sorry off topic slightly, there could be all sorts of reasons for this childs behaviour. I really feel for his parents.

The latter part of the thread explains further. This isn't a case of special needs and a mum trying to navigate them. There's something else going on and in the meantime the other children are at risk from his behaviour and the adults are dealing with more than I'd able to put up with.

mucklebones

Gingham_R wrote: »

The latter part of the thread explains further. This isn't a case of special needs and a mum trying to navigate them. There's something else going on and in the meantime the other children are at risk from his behaviour and the adults are dealing with more than I'd able to put up with.

I know which is why I apologised for going off topic about my circumstances, clearly something is going on and I understand the OP reasons. Just couldnt help but feel for them thats all.

Gingham_R

mucklebones wrote: »

I know which is why I apologised for going off topic about my circumstances, clearly something is going on and I understand the OP reasons. Just couldnt help but feel for them thats all.

Me too. No-one has a child who behaves that badly without being aware of it. They must know just how bad things are.

CH27

Bimblebops wrote: »

Tx for all the replies..haven't been able to get on since I posted but will try to answer a few things now.FIRST thing I want to make very very clear is that one of my two children is autistic..two other kids in the "group" have aspergers and ADHD so we are aware of the whole labelling/naughty child/behavioural issues side of things.
The boy in question is 10,he behaves at school,for father/men in general.He has,at his mums request,been assessed for ADHD etc but the agreement between school/paed/EP etc is that he has no signs of this.
4 of us have tried seperately to discuss our issues with the mum but the excuses are almost funny.After an afternoon of episodes..him calling a grandma in the group a fat cow,him strangling a child in the group then stomping on my daughters hands etc etc he was merrily driven off to his karate lesson with a mars bar in his hand smirking out the car window at us horrified adults.
He is not an only child,he has a sister and a brother who are boistrous BUT polite and generally lovely kids although the youngest girl is starting to copy the behaviours,the spitting and the swear words.
Both myself,another mum in the group and a dad have stepped in whilst he's been particularly bad.The day he was happily slapping my three year old across the face thinking we couldn't see him I scooped him up and carried him out and gave him a very stern talking to,with mums permission.He laughed in my face,called me a f'in sl*g and when mum came over started crying and told her I'd hit him and swore at him:mad: Anytime any other parent tried to help her discipline him he makes up stories about how they hurt him,so people have stopped trying to help.

We've tried to be honest,I've been very open about not going to the same places and been extremely upfront that I find his behaviour completely unacceptable.I drew up a reward chart,took pics to personalise it,make it more visual.We sat and had a chat about punishments and rewards etc.Absolutely pointless because the mum has now said she can't follow through with the punishments that actually bother him.With the karate she won't make him miss it because she's paid upfront etc plus she can't handle the whinging if she takes his Wii/xbox away blah blah :mad:
Ranting over.Would be a real shame to lose a friendship but can't handle much more tbh.:o

So he chooses who to misbehave for?

Have you tried speaking to the dad about the situation?