Friendships being ruined by out of control child :(

jellyhead

Bimblebops wrote: »

A few of us have been very open and honest and explained that we feel there's an issue that needs addressing.Tbh that went down like a lead balloon..think "total and utter denial" and you'll get the picture

What issue though? Did you say you think her child has special needs, or just that the child is badly behaved and she needs to do something about it?

I have a friend who thinks my youngest has special needs, and I just laugh it off. She's talking rubbish and has no real idea of what's within the boundaries of normal behaviour for his age (he is being assessed though, but his new teacher doesn't think there's any need for it). Being naive, serious and a little bit OCD doesn't automatically mean autism, having a tiny appetite and not wanting to eat what another mother thinks you should does not mean an eating disorder, being naughty doesn't mean ODD or ADHD- some people just listen to too much daytime TV.

If a group of my friends told me they think my child's autistic they'd get total denial. I wouldn't take the slightest bit of notice ... but if they said that he is doing x, y, z and it is causing problems for the group as a whole and could I please change the way I react when he does that ... THEN I would think about what they say.

pinkclouds

Bimblebops wrote: »

Regular poster under a new name for this post.
I'm part of a lovely group of close friends.We all look out for each other and the kids get on great...with the exception of one.Basically this child is rude,aggressive and frequently hurts the other kids and is extremely rude to us adults.It's getting to the point where a lot of us actually are stopping going out to events we once would happily have gone to if we know this other child is going. It's just too stressful having to constantly sort out the problems/crying/fights that are caused.Plus if I'm honest I'm not happy about my children seeing that kind of behaviour or having to put up with being harrassed:o
The mum can't seem to get to grips with the childs behaviour and as a result it pretty much goes unpunished.It is SOO frustrating!
Thing is it's really starting to affect everyones friendships.A few of us have been very open and honest and explained that we feel there's an issue that needs addressing.Tbh that went down like a lead balloon..think "total and utter denial" and you'll get the picture Obviously it's none of our business how the mum parents that child and I'd never suggest I was a perfect parent either so there's not much else we can do.
It's so hard seeing a really good friend constantly upset because pretty much every day she's got a parent/friend/random person in park etc etc telling her that her child did x/y/z but she sticks up for him and believes the child denying it all.
I'm starting to get a bit sick of my own kids missing out on things because of this child too but love my friend to bits and don't want to hurt her feelings anymore than they are already.
Don't really know what to do and would appreciate any thoughts please.Thankyou.

This situation reminds me of something. But, anyway, do you all agree that this child is badly behaved? Or is it just you and a few people politely nodding along? Is the behaviour age-appropriate or is it obviously out-of-synch?

If you have already spoken to her on the subject and nothing has changed to your satisfaction, then you must move on. You cannot disinvite her from established group activities. But you can choose not to attend them yourself. And you can invite the families that you *do* like to meet up with you and *they* can choose whether to stay with the group or to meet with you instead. It's all about choices.

While we, as strangers over the internet, cannot see the full picture and cannot make a judgement call, *you* can change your situation by making new choices and you can see if it was the right call by the number of people who validate your choices IRL. If most of the other parents are happy to form a new circle with you, then all's well that ends well. If they choose to stay with the group, then perhaps you have been overreacting.

lolarosa90

My guessing is that she's very much embarrassed by her kids behavior and doesn't know how to cope or solve the problem. I would suggest taking her to one side discreetly and explaining that her child's behavior is ruining your group of friends relationship and outings and also affecting the other kids.

Encourage her to seek help and tell her that you will be supportive. Be sure to explain that you're not criticizing her skills as a parent, just concerned about her and her kid. If she doesn't accept this help, so be it, at least she knows you had her best interests at heart.

LR

CH27

How old is the troublesome child?

JC9297

adamantine wrote: »

their children are still well behaved because they know boundaries

But not all learning disabled children are able to understand that their behaviour has any impact on other people, so they are not able to learn the boundaries no matter how much parents try.

As the OP has not returned yet we do not know the age of the child and if there is any suggestion of learning difficulties, they may have a behavioural problem which is different or it may well be just down to poor parenting.

jellyhead

JC9297 wrote: »

But not all learning disabled children are able to understand that their behaviour has any impact on other people, so they are not able to learn the boundaries no matter how much parents try.

As the OP has not returned yet we do not know the age of the child and if there is any suggestion of learning difficulties, they may have a behavioural problem which is different or it may well be just down to poor parenting.

OP seems to think that the mum isn't trying though, that's the main problem I think?

make_me_wise

Bimblebops wrote: »

I'm part of a lovely group of close friends.We all look out for each other and the kids get on great...with the exception of one.Basically this child is rude,aggressive and frequently hurts the other kids and is extremely rude to us adults.

It's so hard seeing a really good friend constantly upset because pretty much every day she's got a parent/friend/random person in park etc etc telling her that her child did x/y/z but she sticks up for him and believes the child denying it all.

I'm starting to get a bit sick of my own kids missing out on things because of this child too but love my friend to bits and don't want to hurt her feelings anymore than they are already.
Don't really know what to do and would appreciate any thoughts please.Thankyou.

My first thought is that your friends son may have autism or aspergers. These conditions can take a long time to be diagnosed as they each cover a huge spectrum. Your friend is probably far more aware of her childs problems than she feels able to admit to anyone, including closest friends. She may well be struggling to come to terms with how her son is and living in denial or at least appearing to may be her only coping strategy. I have no answers really but hope this helps in some way.

adamantine

JC9297 wrote: »

But not all learning disabled children are able to understand that their behaviour has any impact on other people, so they are not able to learn the boundaries no matter how much parents try.

As the OP has not returned yet we do not know the age of the child and if there is any suggestion of learning difficulties, they may have a behavioural problem which is different or it may well be just down to poor parenting.

you took that out of context. i also said that as well as the parents see what could pose a problem and are able to deal with it.

seriously why are people trying to cause problems on this thread? stop misquoting me!

esmf73

Bimblebops, Just wanted to say I feel for you. I have a difficult child, who can be an angel, but is often very hard to manage. I do try to stay on top of it, but there are times when I just want to lock the doors and keep my head under the duvet because of his behaviour. He has no diagnosis, but may have autistic tendancies. Knowing this doesn't make his behaviour any more acceptable, or make it any better. I still won't put up with him hurting anyone, or talking inappropriately. It is difficult though and perhaps your friend feels she can relax with you and the group as you have known her a while and known the child growing up.

I'd urge you to talk to her gently and find out what is going on. She may not be well, all may not be well at home or she may just feel out of her depth and need some help - without people pointing the finger! If the child is like this all the time, she's probably very stressed out over it. a behavioural therapist I saw about my DS gave me a questionnaire to do which highlighted that I'd been feeling stressed out about the behaviour for a while - so he told me to get to my Doctor and get antidepressants. They work, most of the time, but I still feel I'm a few paces behind his behaviour sometimes.

Lots of love to you all as a group - and hope its not me you're talking about!!! If it is, I'd want to know, a gentle chat just the two of you over a coffee at a child free time. Just edited to say I've felt all of these - out of my depth, stresed out at home, etc. I do have a group of friends with whom I feel I can relax a little, but it has taken a while and has cost me some friendships. Unfortunately. However, my son is my son and I love him regardless, but that doesn't mean I like or approve of his behaviour!

Spendless

I always had a boisterous, couldn't sit still, handful son and to some extents still do and no I am not convinced that 'it is all my fault'. I realised something about him only recently and fairly late on in his childhood and that's despite me wondering about him for several years but never being able to pinpoint what.

Talking to my 8yo DDs friend's mum tonight, I was asking about behaviour cos she has a lot older son and an 8yo daughter and she was convinced that 'girls are better behaved' I told her I hadn't found that to be the case I find they are both as bad as each other just in different ways, girls I find are more likely to use their vocal skills to be horrible to each other, so it's not always as obvious what they are doing and even if caught they can say it wasn't meant that way. They are not as 'in your face' as boys tend to be when mis-behaving. The other thing I've noticed regardless of sex, is often in a group of children misbehaving, it is only the worst one that is noticed and not that it is part of an overall incident or sometimes only the child that retaliates is in bother, and the child/incident that started it is glossed voer.

I wish the OP would come back and tell us the age and sex of the child, cos it is probably relevant when offerring advice.