Friendships being ruined by out of control child :(

Welshwoofs

Gingham_R wrote: »

I'm really glad I didn't get advice like that years ago or I'd have walked away from 2 very good friendships with women whose children are a genuine delight to be around now they're a bit older.

I'm sure you have a mind of your own and don't do everything everyone tells you though?

The fact is...the kid could have something wrong with it or it could simply be a complete brat. None of us know, it's pointless speculating and even more pointless drawing comparisons between so-and-so's child who was awful but then ended up a delightful adult.

If the op and her friends can hack the kid, then I'm sure they'll keep on doing that. If they can't, then I'm sure the friendship will disintegrate and everyone will move on.

If it were me - and always presuming I liked the woman - I'd simply tell her that her child irritated the c-rap out of me, but I'd be perfectly happy to continue seeing her away from her offspring. But then...I'm pretty bloody blunt

[Deleted User]

Nicki wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek:

Crikey! I took my 2 and 2 month old on an outing with my friend who has a 1 and 2 month year old. She looked on awestruck as I had to pick him up and carry him kicking and screaming down the road when it was time to go, as hers sat placidly in the pushchair! Fortunately she didn't suggest dropping me as a friend forever due to his bad behaviour, just commented that her daughter was NEVER going to grow up to be like that. Hah! Its her first, just she wait

Had to laugh. My first son would never sleep, was rather difficult etc (eventually diagnosed with ASD).., my cousin (frequent visitor to my mums when I was there it seemed lol) had two children.., both very quiet, both good sleepers. So I'd sit there and listen to her glowing descriptions of how easy it was to have kids (she was a lovely person but even a lovely person couldn't help but have a superior tone in her voice when talking to white faced, exhausted, badly dressed me while she sat there in her glamour clothes lol). Then I had my second son.., by that time she'd had her third. My second son was quiet, slept well., her third was a nightmare.

I didn't say a word.., but I smirked broadly in some very ungenerous part of my brain when she whinged lol

jellyhead

Nicki wrote: »

commented that her daughter was NEVER going to grow up to be like that. Hah! Its her first, just she wait

Tantrums at age 2 happen to all sorts of kids and parents though, perhaps she'll realise this when hers is 2

Bimblebops

Tx for all the replies..haven't been able to get on since I posted but will try to answer a few things now.FIRST thing I want to make very very clear is that one of my two children is autistic..two other kids in the "group" have aspergers and ADHD so we are aware of the whole labelling/naughty child/behavioural issues side of things.
The boy in question is 10,he behaves at school,for father/men in general.He has,at his mums request,been assessed for ADHD etc but the agreement between school/paed/EP etc is that he has no signs of this.
4 of us have tried seperately to discuss our issues with the mum but the excuses are almost funny.After an afternoon of episodes..him calling a grandma in the group a fat cow,him strangling a child in the group then stomping on my daughters hands etc etc he was merrily driven off to his karate lesson with a mars bar in his hand smirking out the car window at us horrified adults.
He is not an only child,he has a sister and a brother who are boistrous BUT polite and generally lovely kids although the youngest girl is starting to copy the behaviours,the spitting and the swear words.
Both myself,another mum in the group and a dad have stepped in whilst he's been particularly bad.The day he was happily slapping my three year old across the face thinking we couldn't see him I scooped him up and carried him out and gave him a very stern talking to,with mums permission.He laughed in my face,called me a f'in sl*g and when mum came over started crying and told her I'd hit him and swore at him:mad: Anytime any other parent tried to help her discipline him he makes up stories about how they hurt him,so people have stopped trying to help.

We've tried to be honest,I've been very open about not going to the same places and been extremely upfront that I find his behaviour completely unacceptable.I drew up a reward chart,took pics to personalise it,make it more visual.We sat and had a chat about punishments and rewards etc.Absolutely pointless because the mum has now said she can't follow through with the punishments that actually bother him.With the karate she won't make him miss it because she's paid upfront etc plus she can't handle the whinging if she takes his Wii/xbox away blah blah :mad:
Ranting over.Would be a real shame to lose a friendship but can't handle much more tbh.:o

Bimblebops

zippybungle wrote: »

Maybe the child has a behaviour problem? Maybe she is embarrased by the behaviour? I am also guessing that the child is a Boy?
Sounds like you have made your own mind up about the child to me and he has been labelled as 'the naughty' child.

Really wanted to make it clear that the above is definately not the case.The kids in the group who do have behavioural issues etc AND those without can also be "naughty" but it is dealt with swiftly by their parents.Punishments are followed through,name calling/bullying etc are an absolute no no.That's what makes it extra hard to be around my friends child because he gets away with murder and all the other kids obviously question why he can do bad stuff but still get treats but if they do it they get punished.:o

meritaten

suspected something like that Bimblebops. clear case of 'bad' parenting! you have all tried your best (I am including the other mums here) and it falls on deaf ears. the thing is - its affecting YOUR CHILD(REN) now. They arent stupid, they see 'brat' behaving badly - and not only getting away with it - but getting rewarded!
Unless you want a kids mutiny, its time to get together with the other parents and decide if this mum should be excluded. Harsh I know - but you all have responsibilities to your children and this group of friends. This mum, while a lovely person is NOT fitting in with the groups expectations of child discipline. Only you and the other mums will know if thats important enough to the group to exclude her - or are you prepared to deal with the issues it raises with your OWN kids!
I think this woman is afraid of her child - sounds strange? I think she is afraid of dealing with his temper and outbursts - she is willing to have him assessed (perhaps she thinks that he will then get the 'magic' pill Ritalin). BUT, she is NOT willing to deal with him herself! My grandson is Aspergers, my GD is ADHD/borderline Aspergers, my nephew is Autistic - none of thier mums would put up with that behaviour for one minute - they would be removed immediately! would certainly NOT be rewarded for the bad behaviour!
I think the main prob is the mum - the childs behaviour COULD be curbed - BUT, he obviously has mum under his little thumb!

MarilynMonroe_2

I would think she'd need her friends more not have them turning away.


I know a mum who's son is like this and she gets really upset when he's blacklisted. He has learning difficulties and is just classed as a naughty boy.
A helping hand wouldnt go a miss, she's probably at the end of her tether.
Don't turn your back on them x

pinkclouds

Bimblebops wrote: »

Tx for all the replies..haven't been able to get on since I posted but will try to answer a few things now.

Thank you for the further explanation. I think, for the sake of your own kids, you should cease all playdates that involve this child. I wouldn't advocate cutting the mom out of your life because she clearly needs support - if you and the other parents are still willing and able to give it. But this sort of behaviour is a *very* bad influence and you must protect your own kids and prevent them from imitating it.

I know you have already tried to provide support and you feel it is going nowhere. But, perhaps in the future, she may become more open to suggestions and, when she feels stronger, be more able to follow through with appropriate actions. I fully understand if you feel unable to do this but circumstances change and she may need - and welcome - your support in the future when she finally fully acknowledges the impact that her child's behaviour is causing - to her son, her family, her friends and the wider community.

Bimblebops

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I would think she'd need her friends more not have them turning away.


I know a mum who's son is like this and she gets really upset when he's blacklisted. He has learning difficulties and is just classed as a naughty boy.
A helping hand wouldnt go a miss, she's probably at the end of her tether.
Don't turn your back on them x

Trust me when I say I've had my fair share of being the mum of the "naughty kid" at school,the one that got no party invitations,the one who other mums gossiped about.I know how it feels so none of this comes easy to me but the difference is I tried my utmost and still do to deal with any unwanted behaviour.The last thing I want to do is turn my back but things are out of control now.
I've helped and helped then helped some more hun,been friends and involved with them all since our kids were in year one.I've done the reward charts,I've had the chats,I've accompanied mum to meetings.I've taken him for afternoons to give mum a break despite already having my own hands full,I've got hubby to have a word as he seems to respond better to men.For my trouble I've been bitten,smacked,sworn at and insulted and had to try not to be upset that one of my best friends allows it to happen AND go unpunished.I honestly think the bottom line is he's just an utter spoilt brat
At the end of the day though it's starting to cause issues with the other kids around him including my own.If my friend was actually willing to follow the advice given or see punishments through things would be easier but as it stands there's nothing to work with.
Think I'm answering my own questions here.I'm not willing to have my kids hurt or me disrespected like this any longer.I'll try to keep our friendship to a school time one and basically avoid being around him.Sorry if that sounds harsh

pinkclouds

Bimblebops wrote: »

Think I'm answering my own questions here.I'm not willing to have my kids hurt or me disrespected like this any longer.I'll try to keep our friendship to a school time one and basically avoid being around him.Sorry if that sounds harsh

It's not harsh - just sad. Your own kids have to come first. And it shows you're a good person that you don't want to end your friendship - just distance yourself to a safe level. Things may change later on but, for now, you have to look after your own. x