Friendships being ruined by out of control child :(

JC9297

Spendless wrote: »

I always had a boisterous, couldn't sit still, handful son and to some extents still do and no I am not convinced that 'it is all my fault'. I realised something about him only recently and fairly late on in his childhood and that's despite me wondering about him for several years but never being able to pinpoint what.

Talking to my 8yo DDs friend's mum tonight, I was asking about behaviour cos she has a lot older son and an 8yo daughter and she was convinced that 'girls are better behaved' I told her I hadn't found that to be the case I find they are both as bad as each other just in different ways, girls I find are more likely to use their vocal skills to be horrible to each other, so it's not always as obvious what they are doing and even if caught they can say it wasn't meant that way. They are not as 'in your face' as boys tend to be when mis-behaving. The other thing I've noticed regardless of sex, is often in a group of children misbehaving, it is only the worst one that is noticed and not that it is part of an overall incident or sometimes only the child that retaliates is in bother, and the child/incident that started it is glossed voer.

I wish the OP would come back and tell us the age and sex of the child, cos it is probably relevant when offerring advice.

Presumably the OP's friends have a mixture of boys and girls, the 'problem' child is always noticably more badly behaved than the other children, whatever the gender.

Spendless

JC9297 wrote: »

Presumably the OP's friends have a mixture of boys and girls, the 'problem' child is always noticably more badly behaved than the other children, whatever the gender.

What I mean is in a group of children, they can all be messing about but 1 just takes things that little bit further than the rest and THAT child is the ONLY one noticed and criticised. My friend has a son like this and frequently it is all turned round to all being D's fault, ignoring what happened overall and the other kids part in it. I've witnessed it happening. Unless the OP comes back and informs us we've no idea of knowing if they are talking about a mixed sex group or not -my DD used to attend a tots group where there was only 1 boy.

durham_girl

Why is everyone so quick to assume that this child has learning difficulties?

Based on what the OP has written, there seems to be no evidence that he/she thinks that the child has problems, they are just a badly behaved child whose parent cannot or does not want to control them!

Not all badly behaved children have learning difficulties in the same way that not all children with learning difficulties are badly behaved.

System

Ok without knowing the age or circumstances it's hard to judge but here's a thought or two...

Does this badly behaved child get bullied in school?
Is he/she an only child not used to sharing toys/playing in a team?
Is he she uncomfortable in large groups? and mayb overcompensating by being loud.
Is he /she artistic or musical and can't bear playing games with other kids when he/she would rather be doing other things? Does he/she perhaps resent the time spent in a group if they don't get mum to themself 'enough'?
Is the child ok on a one to one basis with another child...or does he/she do better if just in adult company?
Is there something that seems to trigger his/her bad behaviour?

Welshwoofs

Whatever may or may not be wrong with the child is completely irrelevant. He/she is not the Op's child so why on earth would she bother giving head room to all the possible issues the child may have and try to fix them? That's the parents' job.

Op - it comes down to one essential thing: cost/benefit. Does the cost of being around that child now outweigh the benefit of having the child's mother as a friend? If so, fck her off and get on with your social life with friends who have kids who don't drive you nutty.

Gingham_R

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Op - it comes down to one essential thing: cost/benefit. Does the cost of being around that child now outweigh the benefit of having the child's mother as a friend? If so, fck her off and get on with your social life with friends who have kids who don't drive you nutty.

And that's why so many women are desperately isolated raising their kids.

System

I don't think it's necessary (or nice!) to dump her as a friend, you can stay friends with her without having that mean your children have to play together surely.

Spendless

Many of my friends had kids years before I did and if I'd dumped them due to their kids behaviour I'd have got rid of one friend cos her DD was always a bit boisterous, instead I went on to marry friends brother and we had children and the boisterous girl is now my neice, a Uni student wanting to teach and a fab babysitter for her cousins. Meanwhile the friend who had an 'angel child' well he grew up to be a drug dealer and when my friend defended him, that was the point I dumped her.

Welshwoofs

Gingham_R wrote: »

And that's why so many women are desperately isolated raising their kids.

The answer there is to either ensure the kids are well behaved or, if they can't be, socialise with friends and get a babysitter in for the child.

I see no reason why everyone around should have to suffer because of the actions of one child and I'd go further and say that what seems to be escalating poor behaviour in children may well have something to do with the fact that everyone these days seems willing to tolerate it.

rachelhen

It sounds as though it is more than just a naughty child sounds like a child with problems. If mum is not acknowledging it then she is not going to get help for him/her. Children communicate unhappiness through behaviour when they may not have the language to express their feelings.