I don't know what to make over what my husband has just said...

noodles86

balletshoes wrote: »

noodles if you'd written your 2nd post with your first one - my reply would have been different.

He didn't come across as posessive to me in your original post, just insecure.
You say he's posessive, and he doesn't want you on FB with anyone, but most importantly men. Telling you he loves you 3 times an hour is over the top imho, and if you're telling him 3 times a day, you're doing well. Who sent the wedding invites out, when you didn't want to get married so soon? If it was your OH, I'd have been getting huge big red alarm bells ringing right there - because thats control on a grand scale.

I think you're right you know - you can't make him happy, and all his "worrying about us" isn't going to go away. Keep your independence, don't bow to his control and posessiveness, otherwise he will grind you down until you have no will of your own, and then he'll have you exactly where he wants you - a doormat he can wipe his boots on. Not to mention your daughter, who will witness all of this and could grow up thinking thats the way men treat women they say they love.

Sorry forgot to answer this. Well the whole wedding thing. It came about as he was arrested, I knew he didn't do it. Then 5 days later he said we should get married (had been discussing it before that but couldnt agree when) he said the only thing he wanted was to get married in Wales. So we traipsed around loads of ok places and the only place that was half decent (this was end of Jan) only had two dates available in 2010 and needed a decision in 2 days. It all just kind of snowballed. I would say it was a joint decision for the invites to go out end of march and I was saying by the may we should postpone.

He admitted he hadn't told me about the money before the wedding as he knew i wouldn't have married him.

noodles86

victory wrote: »

In the first year of marriage things should not just be ok but brilliant, all these problems if they have to surface in a marriage should be a lot further down the line.

Hmmm, what should I do? I kind of looked at it the other way things should only get better lol feeling naive!!

victory

Nor would I have done because that is huge, the debt is huge, the deceit is huge, it is not a relationship without 100% communication and trust, where it is all out there in the open, he should never have kept the debt from you, whatever his reasoning, for the relationship to be built on the strong foundations of trust he has let you down and now how do you know that if he clears it he will not go and do it again?

Lotus-eater

2 or 3 times a week is pretty normal I think. I can't see a problem with that, unless one of you really needs it more, if you are too tired, you should be planning ahead and going to bed earlier. Being tired also could be because you are overweight, something you could sort out if you want to.

The other less palatable side to your OH needs sorting, stopping you making friends with blokes or going anywhere where they might be any, isn't really on and does point towards a very insecure/controlling individual.

It will only get worse as he tried to control you more. You could try relate or some sort of counselling, but I think he won't go, as he will be unmasked by the person doing it.

gonzo127

noodles86 wrote: »

When I wrote the first post I had just got back from Tesco's and a bit confused, so wrote out exactly what was in my head. Read the first four replies and went and got dd, still having a think about everything. Then I thought about everything I have also been through over the past year and thought i've been through a lot too! I was quite surprised by what he had said in the car as on whole things are ok, but it just seems as I start to want to get a bit of a life, his insecurities/possessiveness seems to come to the surface.

the thing is, in the nicest possible way, that isnt right, or your problem.

if he cant trust you, even with you standing by him through such a horific ordeal such as the court case you mentioned, then i doubt there is anything you can do to make him trust you.

what he is doing is not normal, and taken over a number of years is paramount to mental abuse.

ok i will admit i do sometimes tell my wife what to do,
such as 'sod off and go out with your friends/go to the gym/etc, i will be fine with the kids/cleaning/chores/etc'. but saying that you cant go on facebook or be friends with a male is just way beyond what is acceptable in my mind

victory

noodles86 wrote: »

Hmmm, what should I do? I kind of looked at it the other way things should only get better lol feeling naive!!

No, no no there is lack of trust there big time, the debt is huge, the lies are huge, the deceit is huge, the first year should be bathed in roses, somewhere along the way life gets in the way,the rose tinted glasses come off and things happen that make you life, fight, be on the same side, deal with problems arising and it all makes you tougher, stronger, closer, more in love, have more respect for each other, it bonds you, builds you, guides you, the first year should be the foundation, the beauty, not sitting in a car being told he is worried about 'us'.

noodles86

victory wrote: »

Nor would I have done because that is huge, the debt is huge, the deceit is huge, it is not a relationship without 100% communication and trust, where it is all out there in the open, he should never have kept the debt from you, whatever his reasoning, for the relationship to be built on the strong foundations of trust he has let you down and now how do you know that if he clears it he will not go and do it again?

I don't know just he seemed sorry and I believe him. I now have all the credit card/bank details to all accounts. As soon as his wages come in I divide the debt up and pay it off. He is left with nothing other than his bonus each month (couple of hundred). He says he prefers that as he knows it will get paid off. He doesnt have any cards that I know of, they are all cut up. I suppose it's just because I trust him. I mean he's even going on a climbing holiday next year (paid with said bonus) and i dont want to go as me and dd will be stuck in the middle of no where but I have no problem with him going with his mates and their gf's. I suppose the trust isn't too way.

victory

So, he lives on an allowance each month for his own doing, no debt, he would have had all his monthly wage, him going on his hols is natural though, my OH loves rock climbing and I don't, he loves biking and I don't, no matter he goes off with his brother etc and has a great time and comes back happy and refreshed and full of stories to tell.

That is healthy, you not being allowed is unhealthy

jonty1970

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When starting a new relationship, many women (and men as well) tend to overlook some behaviors in their new partner that do not bode well for the future. Then, down the road, comes the exclamation 'If I had only known...'. As a Psychotherapist who has worked with mostly women and a few men in the field of Domestic Violence, during counseling sessions we can always trace back unpleasant and also dangerous character traits to the very start of the relationship.

Here are some 'Red Flags' to watch out for in a new partner.

He makes decisions about where to go with little or no input from you.
He belittles your opinion when the two of you are alone and may call you names.
He makes disparaging remarks about you in front of others and may talk about you as if you were not there.
He may be rough during love-making and make you engage in acts you do not like.
He does not want to spend time with your friends or family and insists you socialize with his people.
He will not acknowledge your areas of expertise and may put down what you do in the workplace - ignore any of your accomplishments.
He may openly flirt with other women and then accuse you of being jealous when you object.
He gets angry and loses his temper over trivialities. Stays angry for a long time and attempts to blame all arguments on you.
May hit walls when angry.
One of the main factors is that he comes on very strong in the beginning of your relationship - sweeps you off your feet - and wants an exclusive relationship too quickly. Many women feel flattered at the intensity of the man's seeming need for an immediate connection and consequently overlook the inappropriateness of it.
*This should not be confused with 'love at first sight' where one or both parties feel an instant connection - without any of the aforementioned behaviors.*

There are many other factors that could be listed - but if the man in your life begins displaying the above qualities - realize it will not get better, only worse. He will likely be unwilling to discuss his emotions openly and feel that women are the inferior sex.

If this describes your man, run - do not walk - out of his life. The next step will likely be physical abuse.

I have a happy relationship now. But I have been abused in the past.

You have doubts now. Even though he may never have hit you, he is changing how you act and it's not good.

You need to make him realize you will do what you want and if he doesn't like you having friends or where you eat out - TOUGH!

I did let my ex change me. I was afraid, thought he knew best, thought it was all my fault.
It ruined my life and only now, after counselling, am I enjoying my life.

He was terrified I would meet someone better than him, so he stopped me doing anything on my own.

I hated my life and he crippled me with fear. I was agoraphobic, got an eating disorder and drank every day to cope with his moods and demands.

The man I am engaged to makes me feel like a princess. He loves me and cares for me. My fiance would never dream of telling me what to do.

have a look here and see if the Red Flags mean anything to you

http://articles.directorym.co.uk/Domestic_Violence_and_Abuse_Glasgow-r994754-Glasgow_SC.html

http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/downloads/posters/

jonty1970

Abuse starts with little things, you hardly notice them.
They chip away at you.

I may be way out here, but just be aware that a normal healthy relationship is based on trust and love.

And you both value and love each other and give each other space to do your own thing, not try and stop you doing what you want to!