I don't know what to make over what my husband has just said...

shell_girl

As someone with a Womens Aid background, I would ask the OP to be careful and vigilant.

None of us can say with any certainty if a relationship is abusive unless we are in that relationship... but if I had a pound for every woman who had come through WA services whose story sounded exactly like the OP's then I would definitely be retired by now

noodles86

Ok, hello again! Im a bit stressed after reading everything since my last post. Stressed as although I would sometimes describe my husband as over bearing but not abusive if that kind of makes sense. I'm 24 and he's 26. The worrying thing for me is that (it's great having impartial advice btw!) his exact words yesterday were 'I know you don't tell me everything' and I was like 'so?' (I dont feel the need to tell him everything and by that I mean every minute detail of my daily life) then he said 'I know you lie about little things and that makes me wonder what else you lie about' Que silence and me thinking what I ever lie about and the only things I could think of was the occasional treat or I dont tell him who i've added on facebook but only because he has never asked! Then I said 'like what/when' and he just said 'little things over the past year' I was surprised when he bought up the 'lies' thing as he was in a rush to get back to work after seeing dd off at school so we couldn't talk.

I don't know if it was just to mess with my head?? As when he got home from work he went straight upstairs. I left him for half an hour then went up as we were meant to be going out. He said he was unwell, which was fine, after a brief chat (and me moaning (not seriously!) about he was filthy on my white bed sheets :rotfl: I left him to it) Went up an hour later, told him the time and asked if he wanted something to eat. Put dd to bed started cooking he sat down on the settee and ate dinner and was absolutely fine. Like completely normal. Yes he did tell me he loved me at least 20 times over two hours and I just kept laughing at him and telling him I know you said it 5 mins ago. I told him I'd already said I loved him that day and that was enough for this evening. Which he was laughing at, in a good mood. Went to bed, had a nice chat having a joke. Went to sleep. So kind of like nothing had been said that morning.

I feel like I'm making him out to be awful, I have been truthful but we do get on well. Like last night was good. Our holiday was really good. I think my action plan is to do what I want! I will be friends with whomever I like and if it causes trouble then I will suggest counselling. Thanks for everyone replying, it is really appreciated.

noodles86

elisebutt65 wrote: »

Sounds like a right nightmare to me!! Telling you he loves you 3 times an hour??? Nutter!!!!

About being overweight? Are you really overweight? Or does he say that you're overweight?? That's one thing my ex used to do to me - Calling me a whale or an elephant!!! I am a wee bit podgy but nowhere near whale status yet!!!:eek: But christ it gave me a complex!!!

And sex 2-3 times a week with you doing ALL the work around the house and looking after DD - Tell him if he does more, then you'll put out more;)

But I still think he's a nutter:rotfl:

I am overweight. I am a size 12-14 but it makes me really unhappy. My husband has never complained and gives me compliments but i'm not happy inside. When I lived on my own I had to walk every where as I cant drive but now everything is local so I'm just piling it on. However now with dd starting school and college is about mile away I will be doing lots more walking which i'm looking forward to.

Gillyx

A size 12-14 is NOT fat, and you shouldn't feel bad about being that size.

If my OH moaned at sex 2-3 times a week I'd hit him so hard where it hurts he wouldn't want it for months.

findingmyownway

noodles86 wrote: »

As when he got home from work he went straight upstairs. I left him for half an hour then went up as we were meant to be going out. He said he was unwell, which was fine, after a brief chat (and me moaning (not seriously!) about he was filthy on my white bed sheets :rotfl: I left him to it) Went up an hour later, told him the time and asked if he wanted something to eat. Put dd to bed started cooking he sat down on the settee and ate dinner and was absolutely fine. Like completely normal. Yes he did tell me he loved me at least 20 times over two hours and I just kept laughing at him and telling him I know you said it 5 mins ago. I told him I'd already said I loved him that day and that was enough for this evening. Which he was laughing at, in a good mood. Went to bed, had a nice chat having a joke. Went to sleep. So kind of like nothing had been said that morning.

I feel like I'm making him out to be awful, I have been truthful but we do get on well. Like last night was good. Our holiday was really good. I think my action plan is to do what I want! I will be friends with whomever I like and if it causes trouble then I will suggest counselling. Thanks for everyone replying, it is really appreciated.

I don't mean to be harsh here, but this post raises almost as many alarm bells as the last.

So your husband comes in from work... goes and hides upstairs, doesn't tell you he is cancelling your plans to go out (so you could have been merrily putting makeup on etc), YOU have to go and find HIM to see whats going on, an hour later you again have to find him again and offer his dinner (would he have not eaten without this?). Then when he finally decides to make an appearance (i assume dd in bed by now? didnt she ask where daddy was?) he is all smily and happy. I'm sorry OP but this all still smacks of mind control to me - he is making you feel grateful that he came downstairs and gave you a 'nice' evening, when actually he behaved very oddly indeed.

findingmyownway

And no, size 12-14 is not fat. It may be 'overweight' according to the BMI charts etc, but it is still well below the average size in the country. If you're unhappy about it then fair enough, you can do something about it (I am not happy with myself above a size 10 either and have recently slimmed back down to it). But he should not be making any kind of comments about it.

wannabe_sybil

OP - Google cycle of abuse.

Marrying you - harder to lose you

Facebook - if you have lots of contacts besides him then you can see that saying 'I love you' a zillion times a day is not normal and that being accused of lying over 'little things' is not normal (he wont' tell you what they are - it keeps you in a state of agitation and is it is impossible to disprove what he is saying or behave in any way that makes it harder for him to say that you are lying)

You say you have moved - was it at his instigation and was it away from people you like, trust and enjoy the company of, aka support network?

How many things do you 'dance around' and 'second guess' to stop him being 'insecure'.

I bet he tells you that he loves you 'no matter what weight you are'. That's a really good way to make you feel fat. 12-14 isn't grossly overweight unless you are 2foot4inches. How you feel yourself is very important so don't let me diminish your feelings either - how you feel is important.

Do not go to counselling with him, at least not until you have had counselling yourself. If he is iffy then you will just be giving him loads more ammunition ('you said in counselling x but on that day you said y, look, you can't stop lying to me. Anyway, when I said x the counsellor said you should do y and I don't think you are...')

How do you think he would react to at trial separation. Perhaps you could phrase it so that you could work on stopping lying.

Hope I am wrong about all this!

noodles86

findingmyownway wrote: »

I don't mean to be harsh here, but this post raises almost as many alarm bells as the last.

So your husband comes in from work... goes and hides upstairs, doesn't tell you he is cancelling your plans to go out (so you could have been merrily putting makeup on etc), YOU have to go and find HIM to see whats going on, an hour later you again have to find him again and offer his dinner (would he have not eaten without this?). Then when he finally decides to make an appearance (i assume dd in bed by now? didnt she ask where daddy was?) he is all smily and happy. I'm sorry OP but this all still smacks of mind control to me - he is making you feel grateful that he came downstairs and gave you a 'nice' evening, when actually he behaved very oddly indeed.

We were meant to be going to a family get together of his which I weren't bothered about going to (although thinking about it, he didn't know this) you're right i wouldn't have known if I hadn't have gone up. When I went up the second time I was putting dd to bed and he had fell asleep. I asked if he wanted any dinner which he said yes. DD knew that he was feeling unwell. I don't know if I felt grateful that he came down I wasn't really that bothered, I thought it was a normal evening!

Gillyx

I'm an evil partner if my OH goes to sleep/bed after work, the dinner gets put on the table, if he doesn't appear for it, it goes cold and he has to eat a reheated soggy mess when he eventually decides to get up.

dirtysexymonkey

noodles86 wrote: »

I am overweight. I am a size 12-14 but it makes me really unhappy. My husband has never complained and gives me compliments but i'm not happy inside. When I lived on my own I had to walk every where as I cant drive but now everything is local so I'm just piling it on. However now with dd starting school and college is about mile away I will be doing lots more walking which i'm looking forward to.

if a child drew a picture of a woman, would you resemble the drawing? can you run up a flight or two of stairs without having to stop? if so, you're not fat. dress size means very little.

you dont strike me as a happy person. you strike me as a positive person making the best of a bad situation. for your own sake, please think seriously about staying with your oh. he is an emotional vampire and even if you think youve taken control and are doing what you want to do, while youre with him, hes still in control. please be careful.:)