I don't know what to make over what my husband has just said...

noodles86

He keep's telling me he feels 'sick with worry' about us

balletshoes

It sounds like he feels insecure and is maybe not as independant-minded as you are. The bedroom issue might be bothering him too, is that something you could work on?

If you don't tell him you love him/how much he means to you without prompting, that could be feeding his insecurities as well. Practise saying it out loud when theres no-one else around, it does make it easier to say then.
I know my OH loves me and trusts me, but its lovely to hear him say it. You are not responsible for his insecurity, but maybe you telling him you love him more often than you do now, might calm his feelings a little regarding your relationship.

Family life can be hard and wearing when you have a young child, but it is important to try and make time and effort for your partnership too.

victory

He means he is insecure, you tell the odd white lie and he sees it as more, if you are prepared to white lie what else can you do? That is what he thinks.

He doesn't like facebook and yet you join and add, that makes even more insecure.

Then he tries to have intimacy with you and you blame tiredness or the heat, more insecurities on his part and now with a bit of this and a bit of that in his mind they have all added up and he cannot see anything else than doom and gloom and blackness however hard you reassure him, what you are doing and saying in his mind are two completely different things and he cannot see it.

euronorris

TBF, the lying over the little things (like getting a McDonalds) would p'ss me off too. There is no need to lie about it, so why bother? Plus, it would only lead me to think 'well if they are happy to lie about such small things, because they don't want to deal with my reaction, then they'll definitely lie about the big things, as my reaction will be stronger!'. Those little lies are breaking down the trust between you, so they are not worth it IMO.

As for the bedroom action, it sounds as though your hubby associates that with how much you love him. But, why are you tired so often? Would him helping you out more around the house help? Or going out and doing something together as a couple maybe?

elvis86

To be honest I think that some of what you've said sounds a bit worrying. You're scared to tell him when you take your daughter for a McDonalds or buy her treats? He knows that you're isolated and yet he resents you making contact with friends via Facebook? Is he perhaps a bit possessive?

Having said that, being overweight and tired is no excuse to make no effort, and if he's craving physical intimacy with you and facing constant knock-backs, that may be causing him to feel insecure.

victory

If the tiredness is a big issue, get a friend, family to look after the children and make a 'date night' make it all about him, make the effort to get dressed up, smell nice, make him feel wanted, valued and loved, make it like it was when you were dating, all fun and exciting, does not have to be expensive, just make it that one night all about him and make him feel special.

gonzo127

sounds as if he might be insecure about something - best bet is as ever to talk to him properly and openly

the one thing that might be an issue is him thinking 'well if she can lie to me about insignificant things such as taking her daughter to McD's then what else can/could/does lie to me about'

and to be honest why on earth would he have a go for having a little treat every now and then - unless you have a debt which you are trying to pay off or are saving for something specific and have so created a budget between you to do so - in which case are these treats are 'breaking' that budget - if this is the case you will need to sit down and talk through the budget with your husband and try and budget for a bit of extra spending money

in all reality you have been married one year, if he cant be honest about whats worrying him, and you cant be honest about going to McD's with your daughter for a treat, i honestly (at least form my point of view but i know others will see it differently) dont see your marriage as having much hope in the long run.

Person_one

elvis86 wrote: »

To be honest I think that some of what you've said sounds a bit worrying. You're scared to tell him when you take your daughter for a McDonalds or buy her treats? He knows that you're isolated and yet he resents you making contact with friends via Facebook? Is he perhaps a bit possessive?

Having said that, being overweight and tired is no excuse to make no effort, and if he's craving physical intimacy with you and facing constant knock-backs, that may be causing him to feel insecure.

I agree with the first paragraph here. No you shouldn't really be telling white lies about McDonald's and so on, but you also shouldn't feel like lying is a better option than being honest with your husband. The fact that he doesn't like facebook shouldn't really have any bearing on how you feel about it, do you have to like and dislike the same things?

The second paragraph though, well, am I the only one who thinks that 2 or 3 times a week when you've been together years, have a young child and don't really feel attractive is actually a realistic amount? Maybe you two have differing sex drives, but he shouldn't always be the one who gets what he wants, sometimes he has to compromise too. If he thinks every night is reasonable and you'd be happy with once a week, then you're meeting in the middle now.

victory

Not having much hope in the long run is maybe a bit futuristic, all that has happened is he has built up in his mind all his insecurities and he sees it as every time he goes to her he gets knocked back, that will be a vicious circle, where he tries, feels ignored and rejected, gets more unhappy and for his own sanity will start to retract and not go to her, not need her, not have the respect for her because he sees her as the one that is hurting him.

From then on it goes bad, nip it in the bud now, save the marriage, go out, be what he needs, see him in a different light, not as the one thatis constantly moaning, sit and talk, make him understand you do love him, actions speak louder than words

gonzo127

victory wrote: »

Not having much hope in the long run is maybe a bit futuristic, all that has happened is he has built up in his mind all his insecurities and he sees it as every time he goes to her he gets knocked back, that will be a vicious circle, where he tries, feels ignored and rejected, gets more unhappy and for his own sanity will start to retract and not go to her, not need her, not have the respect for her because he sees her as the one that is hurting him.

From then on it goes bad, nip it in the bud now, save the marriage, go out, be what he needs, see him in a different light, not as the one thatis constantly moaning, sit and talk, make him understand you do love him, actions speak louder than words

well thats what i meant just worded it badly thanks for being somewhat more eloquent than i was

Person_one

victory wrote: »

Not having much hope in the long run is maybe a bit futuristic, all that has happened is he has built up in his mind all his insecurities and he sees it as every time he goes to her he gets knocked back, that will be a vicious circle, where he tries, feels ignored and rejected, gets more unhappy and for his own sanity will start to retract and not go to her, not need her, not have the respect for her because he sees her as the one that is hurting him.

From then on it goes bad, nip it in the bud now, save the marriage, go out, be what he needs, see him in a different light, not as the one thatis constantly moaning, sit and talk, make him understand you do love him, actions speak louder than words

Shouldn't she just carry on being the person he married?

Does the responsibility for maintaining and saving this marriage rest entirely on her shoulders? Maybe he needs to take a step back and realise that the fact that he values her function as a sexual outlet higher than her feelings and that might be making her feel rejected and hurt too. Who wants to have sex with someone who's really too tired and is doing it grudgingly out of a sense of duty anyway?