I don't know what to make over what my husband has just said...

Any

euronorris wrote: »

Same here. Our holiday this year was to the UK, and was pretty exhausting as we actually spent a lot of time visiting family and friends, as well as doing some fun (but tiring) stuff. But....we still managed the bedroom action most days, sometimes twice.

Good on you!! Not meant with irony - but I can tell you my husband could wish!
No pressure there then... not just 3x a week as all the magazines say is normal, every day now should be the norm..

Now you are making even me feel bad!:-)))

Is it just me or is thinking that if you have 1 week off in a year where you rarely get minute rest because of small child and needy husband (possibly) will immediately change you from tired mum to lovely relaxed person a bit pushing it?

I agree with you and others, we only see one side of the story...
Maybe he is possesive, needy and wimp.
And maybe the OP due to normal life every day tasks forgotten how to appreciate her OH.

OP, think back about it all and do you think you are giving him less intimacy?

BugglyB

You need to have a real conversation, I find when driving is a good time as you are not face to face and its not confrontational. Start with the following

- you love him
- you've picked up from little things he's said that he's not so happy at the moment
- you want to know how he feels

Bedroom issues are resolved when emotional ones are, in my opinion. That said saying you feel overweight and tired is not really fair to him, he probably thinks you're gorgeous. Did you try some regular exercise, helps with both things in my experience.

noodles86

Hiya, sorry havn't ran off, had to go and get dd from school as she is on half days. I did read the first few replies before I left and had a good think on the way.

I'm not sure why i'm so tired. I never sleep well. I look after dd all day, do all the cleaning, washing, ironing most of the cooking, would do it all but I'm not a very good cook and need help when trying new things. Hubby works long hard hours and said he shouldn't have to do these things, fair enough really! He mainly helps with the childcare on a weekend, which is when he gets majoraty of loving.

I honestly tell him as much as I can that I love him etc at least a few times a day but he tells me about 3 times an hour. We do kiss/cuddle/hold hands a lot. I just think compared to him I have a really low sex drive. Have since I had dd. We have been through a lot this year. He had a 5 day crown court trial as his ex's daughter had accused him of rape/abuse of 4 years. That was really hard, he couldnt live at home etc, obv was found not guilty on all counts and I obv stood by him from day 1 but that was a really hard thing to go through. Obv as it was such a delicate subject, hardly anyone knew other than family.

The lying thing, these are the only things I can think of that I never truly say. We are in debt, he got us into 13k of debt and I only found out by accident after we were married, it is all in his name, except for 2.5k. For a long time it caused arguments as I found it hard that DD and I had to go without even though the debt was neither of our fault. He is possessive, says I cant be friends with males (hence why the facebook problem I think) I never go on facebook when he's here or mention it. I got rid of facebook before but felt really lonely. I'm about to start a college course and he's already started 'you're not there to make friends' spiel.

TBH I didn't want to get married when we did, I wanted to postpone but he wouldn't have any of it as the invites had gone out. Maybe it's not going to work out. I told him in the car that I will never make him as as secure as he needs to be, he said he thinks I can. That was how we parted. I think the only way I could would be available to have boundless energy for sex on tap and not talk to anyone but himself. But then it seems a bit of a silly reason to split up because I want to be friends with whoever I like and because 2-3 sex a week isn't enough. But when we have it more it's just not that good. Every time we have nearly split up in the past it has always been my fault and I needed to change and now i've wrote everything out that it's the same arguments again and again. I cant have a life, what friends I want and our sex life doesnt match what he wants. Hmmmm

BugglyB

Ah well then that puts it all in a slightly different light.

Whats your response when he says 'you're not there to make friends'?

Do you think he would go to Relate with you? On the promise better communication would probably mean better sex *blush*?

Any

noodles86 wrote: »

I honestly tell him as much as I can that I love him etc at least a few times a day but he tells me about 3 times an hour. We do kiss/cuddle/hold hands a lot. I just think compared to him I have a really low sex drive. Have since I had dd.

The lying thing, these are the only things I can think of that I never truly say. We are in debt, he got us into 13k of debt and I only found out by accident after we were married, it is all in his name, except for 2.5k. For a long time it caused arguments as I found it hard that DD and I had to go without even though the debt was neither of our fault. He is possessive, says I cant be friends with males (hence why the facebook problem I think) I never go on facebook when he's here or mention it. I got rid of facebook before but felt really lonely. I'm about to start a college course and he's already started 'you're not there to make friends' spiel.

Blo*dy hell girl, run!!

victory

wow, that changes everything, he says he can't trust you because you tell white lies and he keeps from you a massive debt? WOW, it is him, all him, start thinking of the bigger picture

noodles86

BugglyB wrote: »

Ah well then that puts it all in a slightly different light.

Whats your response when he says 'you're not there to make friends'?

Do you think he would go to Relate with you? On the promise better communication would probably mean better sex *blush*?

I didn't say anything I was surprised and thought here we go again. He was funny over my friends at uni. Probably 4 girls to 6 boys in the friendship group. I dropped out of my uni course as not only the stress of him being arrested over the allegations affected my uni work but as i wasn't getting home until 6, having to do the house work and he couldnt look after dd unsupervised my uni work just fell apart.

I think he would go to relate. I just think we have the same problems and neither wants to give in. He doesnt like me having male friends as i clearly fancy them?????!!!! as you can only be friends with opposite sex if you fancy them.

Tropez

Do you really forsee yourself in five years time with a man so needy and possessive that he refuses to allow you to make friends?

Sex might be an issue for him but it isn't the real issue here. The issue is that this man has effectively pushed you into marrying him (perhaps because he thought it would then be harder for you to get away) and has since tried to control your life to fit around his - this is doomed to fail.

If you love him and want to be with him then you need to get him to explore why he is so needy and possessive. Most people who are like this are actually aware that they are but when pushed about it blame others. If he truly does love you, however, he will be willing to work hard on his attitude, address his insecurities and fears and start treating you as the individual that you are, rather than trying to make you fit in with his idea of happiness.

balletshoes

noodles if you'd written your 2nd post with your first one - my reply would have been different.

He didn't come across as posessive to me in your original post, just insecure.
You say he's posessive, and he doesn't want you on FB with anyone, but most importantly men. Telling you he loves you 3 times an hour is over the top imho, and if you're telling him 3 times a day, you're doing well. Who sent the wedding invites out, when you didn't want to get married so soon? If it was your OH, I'd have been getting huge big red alarm bells ringing right there - because thats control on a grand scale.

I think you're right you know - you can't make him happy, and all his "worrying about us" isn't going to go away. Keep your independence, don't bow to his control and posessiveness, otherwise he will grind you down until you have no will of your own, and then he'll have you exactly where he wants you - a doormat he can wipe his boots on. Not to mention your daughter, who will witness all of this and could grow up thinking thats the way men treat women they say they love.

gonzo127

actually that second post is shocking, he sounds less like a husband and a partner and more like a master or owner.

to be honest this does need to get sorted, and sharpish, and i think a third party would help most as they can be the voice of reason, so something like relate really would be a good idea in my mind.