Male mid life crisis?

sick_note

my situ is similar but i need advice too! after 15 yrs of happy marriage(we all have ups and down) my mrs tells me we need to separate! this is the beginning of a new year. i said cant this be sorted and her answer was NO! she spent enough time wasting her life on me. in the past 2 yrs we have had lots of ups and downs the main downer for me was her discovery of chat rooms on aohell. i eventually found out wot was going on and asked her she sed nothing im lonely when u work nights ! so i sed talk to me more! one day i pick her phone up and see txts from other men. then see some history on msn of her chats needless to say they werent suitable . we got over that (but i didnt paranoid still)

sick_note

her reasons being im lazy and snore and dont seem to care the fact is i do and love her so much (ive told her this) but as someone who went from home to marriage and no independence in between im spoilt and have been most of my life there is our 2 children to consider both under 11. today i suggested counceling and she sed no! but ive nearly convinced her but where do i look for them??? thanks sorry about hi jacking op's thread

victory

sick note try relate, they have an online counselling website, put it in google and see where is your nearest.
If you can see or know you have issues/probs then sit and take the time and trouble to list them and prioritise which ones can definetely be seen to and others which can be worked on.
E.g if you don't help out with the kids-then do
If she wants to go out more- take her on a surprise night out
Do the flowers thing, chocs
Run a bath, candles
Talk, listen understand sympathise, don't let her get away if you know you can help the relationship and situation by doing something xxx

sick_note

cheers victory but i do help with kids . re going out i suggest and she says no as no family nearby (as a previous poster said) today she sed no more food for you or washing u can do this all yourself! and im banished to the spare room too (to be expected) i'll look @ relate

victory

do a positive and negative list, boring I know but what is good about the relationship and what is negative and be changed.
Offer her what she wants, ask her what you can do to make it better, easier for her, if that is what you want.
You make the first appointment with relate if you want to go to show to her that you are serious in getting down to the answers of how to save the marriage.
Keep developing new ways and new ideas of what you can do to make this situation better xxx

Rachie_B

sick_note wrote:

cheers victory but i do help with kids . re going out i suggest and she says no as no family nearby (as a previous poster said) today she sed no more food for you or washing u can do this all yourself! and im banished to the spare room too (to be expected) i'll look @ relate

:eek: she is the one wanting to chat to men on the PC / phone etc and its you that gets banished to the spare room !

!!!!!! ?!! ,it appears she has made her mind up from what you have said ( only having your side of the story)

ie

doesnt want you in the same bed
wanting to separate
not wanting to go out with you
not wanting to discuss the relationship with you

where do you go from here ? if she wont even talk to you

I dont want to tell you what to do but from experience i know staying together for the childrens sake doesnt work

good luck with everything :lovethoug

Edna_Bucket_2

magyar wrote:

LinLin, what you say in the first paragraph is of course fine: the OP is clearly hurt and who wouldn't be. It's still unnecessarily aggressive though.

But I can't get over your line "Think also about something you could do to him or his possessions that would seriously hurt him", which is nasty and vindictive. This will merely make the situation worse.

Well said magyar.

Respectfully linlin, I believe your posts continue to be negative, unhelpful to lisa, and with a theme of quite unpleasant almost sadism running through them (as with even the last one - "be late for the lunch date" - how unhelpful is that?)

I quite concede that you must have had a traumatic experience yourself, and I'm truly sorry that you or anyone has had to go through that, but you seem to be putting the stamp of all your own experience on this "advice" and it's not objective to lisa. Note that the word "abuse" was not used by lisa in her comments until you raised it.

I really think you have issues and anger that you need to work out for yourself - it just comes through so loudly in your observations.

Edna_Bucket_2

lisa_75 wrote:

My husband rang earlier from work. I have not seen him all day as I was out of the house before he got up and he is on nights. He said he had too much to drink last night and may have been a little too loose with his tongue. He said he realised he had done wrong when he got up this morning and his clothes were not ironed for work and I had not made his lunch. (I was pretty peeved this morning!)

We are going out for lunch on Friday to "talk".

There you are - some real communication starting up hopefully, and good luck as the others have said.

Now that you are starting talking (honestly too from both sides hopefully) - DON'T STOP! That's better value long term than any £40/hour counsellor!

I wonder if the second line gives some partial clue to the source of your troubles - working patterns? If you are literally "ships in the night" with when you are together in the house, that can be when people stop communicating - so it's also something to talk about.

Savvy_Sue

sick note, Relate will see one part of a couple if the other doesn't want to go.

Lisa, hugs and good luck for Friday. Even if he retracts and makes a grovelling apology, I think I might still hold out for Relate or something similar. If you were married in church and still live nearby the vicar / minister might be able to point you to counselling (which wouldn't necessarily be faith-based).

You say the GP says there's nothing to be done for your DH. Has he had his hormone levels checked? My DH, while a little older than yours, has low testosterone and obviously that can cause problems. Although there's more to marriage than sex (at least there is for me!)

Gingham_Ribbon

It's pretty harsh to say that someone is being mentally abusive to their partner because they are honest enough to share their feelings and unfortunately their feelings are hurtful ones.

If men feel they cannot be honest with their wives for fear of being called abusive then we'd have a lot of marriages on the rocks because communication would be dead.

And I would strongly advise against playing mind games like turning up late or not doing your usual household tasks. I can't see how this can lead to anything except resentment and frustration.

The best of luck for Friday. You're communicating and that is a positive thing. I'm sure that, no matter how hurtful what he said was, it's much better than him bottling it up and ending up having a one night stand to see what he's missing out on. Feelings are feelings and they're real even if they're far from ideal. And I genuinely hope that if my husband ever feels like this he'll do just what yours has done, and tell me.

x