Male mid life crisis?

lisa_75

I am upset and devastated. I hope you don’t mind me posting here as I have no where else to turn. Last night my husband told me that he regrets settling down so young. He said he feels upset that he has only ever had one sexual partner (we were 16 when we met) and this is making him have feelings of inadequacy. He says he does not know if our sex life is “fantastic” as he has nothing to compare it too. He says he will stick to is marriage vows as he is a moral man, but he said that at this time of life he should be “sowing his wild oats”.

I am truly shocked. We have been having some problems in the bedroom, but he said it was because he was tired from work. I really feel I don’t know what to do. Is he having some sort of mid life crisis? I cannot change the fact that we met when we were 16. No one forced him down the aisle with a shotgun or forced him to stick around when I had my first child (we have kids aged 10 and 12). I also have had no other sexual partner, but am pleased that I have never had to deal with a broken heart, an STD or being left holding the baby.

To be honest I feel he is being immature and needs to get over himself. He has 2 children and a wife. We all have regrets, but we can’t let them dominate our lives.

What do I do?

fluffyscruffy

Hi Lisa
Big hugs
How old is he now? At least you are able to talk about it which is brilliant as my ex oh could not talk about it and because of the lack of communication we split up. I had been with him since I was 17.
What about counselling?

lisa_75

Thank you. To be honest I feel like telling him to pack his bags right now. I have stayed home with the children, so he can build his career, I have raised the kids pretty much on my own because of the hours he works. I don't expect him to life a finger in the house and this is the thanks I get, to be told that shagging around is better than a loyal wife and 2 beautiful kids.

I am in the final year of my degree. I have worked so hard and I really don't need this right now.

He is 31 BTW

magyar

Lisa, I'm totally with you. I wouldn't tell him to pack his bags, not for his sake but for the kids'.

However it sounds like he hasn't actually done anything yet, and isn't specifically intending to. Men have a habit of saying the first stupid thing that comes into their heads (trust me, I am one and I do it all the time). If I've had a penny for every stupid thing I've said and regretted then I'd have about £9.40.

Maybe this is symptomatic of something else - pressure at work? Some other problem?

magyar

Al_Mac wrote:

He obviously believes the press:rolleyes:

Everyone spent their teens and 20's going out getting drunk, $hagging anything that had a pulse, driving flash cars.

Totally agree with you there. (Although I think I did spend most of my 20s drunk...)

Tell him something from me: I haven't had a huge number of partners, but I have had a few - and I can say that none are as good as my wife, as the closeness you build up is far more important than some quicky with someone you pulled in a nightclub.

Tallymanjohn

Speaking from the perspective of a husband who's been through this situation, you may find that he is feeling insecure because of the possibility of you creating your own career once you have your degree. Have you discussed your intentions after qualification? If he's always been the breadwinner, while you've been the home-maker, how does he feel about you possibly doing better in a career than he has? - is he 'stuck in a rut' at work? in which case have you mooted the idea that, once you're qualified & working he may want to change career path? If he's happy in his job then you have to make sure he understands that you too are looking for a similar sense of fulfilment & that you've only been working hard because you want to do more together with the extra income the family will be getting.

By the way, it worked out fine for us as it let me set up my own business once my partner was earning after her degree, but it did provide some sticky moments when she was studying hard & having less time for the boys etc.

jordylass

Hi Lisa take a look at http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=UBB34
It is a busy message board like this, that link takes you straight to the thread on Midlife Crisis abbreviated throughout that site as MLC, the message boards have loads of good relationship information.

Good Luck

Kman2001

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

looby75

my husband was 31 when he ran off with a 18 yr old :eek: it does seem like some men hit 30 and have an early midlife crisis.

At least your husband is talking to you about his feelings, that's a start. Would he agree to go to marriage guidance counselling with you? Sometimes having a totally independent party helping you to talk and listen to each other is all you really need, and not a divorce .

Good luck.

magyar

Absolutely agree with looby. It can't be underestimated how important it is to get outside advice on these matters - and how important it is to ensure that divorce is a final option after all other solutions have been explored. (IMHO, that is!)

hobo28

It certainly sounds like a mid life crisis.

I bet he looks all around him and all his mates are shagging loads of women each week, going out when they want, drive flash cars and have little responsibilties. Certainly if you read the lad mags, 18yr old blonde hair models are everywhere just dying to meet us. If only we take the advice printed then they'd be putty in our hands.

Then he looks at his own life where he works all hours god sends, has had one partner and the most exciting thing he gets to buy is a takeaway, I can certainly understand where he's coming from.

Its a battle all men have to face at some point. I think I had mine a few years ago.

My advice would be not to inflame the situation. Try to be as understanding and sympathetic as possible. Of course don't let him go out and have an affair but I bet a lot of men have had a crisis and most of us just get over it.