Male mid life crisis?

whatamess_2

jordylass wrote:

Hi Lisa take a look at http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=UBB34
It is a busy message board like this, that link takes you straight to the thread on Midlife Crisis abbreviated throughout that site as MLC, the message boards have loads of good relationship information.

Good Luck

Thank you for the link to that site. To read the thoughts and feelings about mid-life is like reading about my husband for the last 18 months.

nats3006

i was married for 20 years to a complete male chauvenist pig who treated me like something on the bottom of his shoe, i stayed for the 4 kids i had who i can now say am so proud of them as they have all turned out into decent respectful adults. i left their dad in the end after all the womanising, going out drinking every weekend, keeping me short of money, the mental and physical abuse i suffered was terrible. it took me a long time to meet a decent person because you never trust people when someone treats you so bad. He wanted me back when he realised it was over, promising he would change but i had heard that for so many years. Men take a long time to grow up but i would never recommend any woman to waste her life waiting like i had to. All i would say is these days you don't have to put up with men thinking they work and can do what they feel is right, women have become alot more liberated and independent. All i would say is talk to him and if he wants to play the field, which believe me isnt easy, because im sure he will 100% regret it, that he will end up losing everything. All relationships are hard but you have to work through them and im sure you will be able to.

Morglin

He's probably having a mid-life crisis.

The trouble is, that when you settle down so young (and I did), is that years down the line, you can feel that your "young" life has been wasted on domesticity.

I think it's often a mistake to marry the first person you have sex with (and I didn't make this mistake), as then there can be a feeling of having missed something.

Many of my peer group have done this and then had affairs - which is never ideal.

We change as we get older, and after 32 years of marriage, I realised how totally bored I was, how much *he* wound me up with his neediness, and I walked away - but it really depends on the circumstances.

But, we all make our choices, and it's a case of having made the bed, we have to lie on it (as far as possible.)

But, if the love is there, then pander to him as far as possible (although not with affairs)............let him buy a sports car or something.

As for the bedroom...........well, that can get a bit samey, so perhaps a little "spice" might help............a little bit of naughtiness?

A weekend away somewhere, just the two of you?

It will pass.

Lin

Rachie_B

oh lisa,that must have really hurt to hear him say that !

maybe like said above ,he sees his mates single ,care free etc ? and wants a piece of it ? or thinking what if ( i didnt have a wife and 2 kids!),thinking the grass is greener etc

the comfort you can take from him being honest and speaking about his feelings is thats its a sort of "cry for help" ? letting you know how he feels

hes not just gone off and sh@gged about / had an affair etc

life can and does get "boring" / mundane when you have kids and have been together for a while

we all get into ruts and things get a little stale

and it takes the TWO of you to get out of the rut and sort things out together

try and get back the spark thats been missing ?

(((hugs))) and good luck with sorting things out

sanfrancisco

Why don't you encourage him to do some young things, that he feels he missed out on, but that are non destructive.

Does he have a degree/masters? Why not encourage him to study something he always wanted to (not necessarily (sp?) something sensible).

What about going travelling? Could you plan to go to SE Asia, in the boys next summer holiday? Many companies are much more flexible now with extended time off, and you could spend 6/8 weeks in Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia. That would give hime something to plan for. If he/you have not done much travelling it might also scare him a bit, and make him more drawn to his family, where he feels safe. It would also be a great experience for the kids.

Or next summer you could go to some festivals together. Festivals are no longer the preserve of young people and you get people and kids of all ages.

Shagging around is way overated and if he left you now, after a few months of getting !!!!ed his life would be !!!!!!. Having said all this, you have to do what is right for you as well.

magyar

sanfrancisco wrote:

Or next summer you could go to some festivals together. Festivals are no longer the preserve of young people and you get people and kids of all ages.

He's only 31!

linlin_3

lisa_75 wrote:

I have stayed home with the children, so he can build his career, I have raised the kids pretty much on my own because of the hours he works. I don't expect him to life a finger in the house and this is the thanks I get, to be told that shagging around is better than a loyal wife and 2 beautiful kids.

You have my sympathies and full understanding as I've been through a similar experience.

Try to understand why he's feeling like this - he feels stifled, clung to, trapped. He wants to do his thing. Everything he says and does will be about him. Don't look for thanks - you won't get it. He's thinking from the waist down. Unless something great comes his way and he thinks you could be handy fitting into "his" greatness, he can't and won't consider you. What the future holds, is anyone's guess.

You, however, can play your part. Having made his life easy you can now show him what life is like without your help. No ironing, washing, cooking. No making him coffee. Withdraw without being overtly unfriendly. If he asks why, ask him what he expects after speaking to you like that. Always, stand up to him - tell him what you think, never start a conversation with him and ignore him as much as possible. Never cry or show evidence of weakness when he's around. If you withdraw enough, he may miss you. If not.....

You need to give yourself some time to think about what you want out of life. Just you, not him, not the children. Think about life post-children. Think also about something you could do to him or his possessions that would seriously hurt him - and hold that in reserve.

Good luck

Rachie_B

magyar wrote:

He's only 31!

:rotfl: but 18 / 19 etc seems "young" to me and i am only 27 !

its the kids that age ya :mad: :rotfl:

lottee

Sorry haven't read the entire thread, so this may have been said.

I think at one stage or another, we all think of what could or should have been, and we all know the old saying 'the grass is greener on the other side'. Truth is, as we all know 9/10 it isn't greener.

Just out of interest, have any of his mates recently became single again, or is he in touch with mates that are 'about town' a lot - so to speak?! Although we weren't married back then, my husband went 'off the rails' a bit after a couple of mates splt up with their partners, he soon got over it & realised what we had at home was much more valued & more important to him.

magyar

linlin wrote:

You need to give yourself some time to think about what you want out of life. Just you, not him, not the children. Think about life post-children. Think also about something you could do to him or his possessions that would seriously hurt him - and hold that in reserve.

LinLin, I agree with what you're saying in the rest of it, but why this line? Seriously hurting anyone (mentally or physically) is never going to solve an issue but just make matters worse.