Male mid life crisis?

*Louise*

Lisa - Wishing you all the best for Friday!!

Gabriel-Ernest

Gingham_Ribbon wrote:

And I would strongly advise against playing mind games like turning up late or not doing your usual household tasks. I can't see how this can lead to anything except resentment and frustration.

I'm surprised to read comments urging the OP not to upset the status quo and continue her hard work at home as if nothing has happened. If you read OP's post, it was the non-ironing and non-lunch that made her husband realise he'd overstepped the mark; business was not 'as usual.' If it had been 'as usual,' he might have felt that what he said when drunk was acceptable as his wife hadn't reacted to it.

We men can have a habit of not thinking things through, and sometimes it takes a reality-check like 'interruption of services' to make us realise how annoyed our women are. I'm not talking 'War of the Roses,' but no-one respects a doormat (that leads straight to the divorce courts), and if the OP has made this point to her husband AND he's realised what it's about, then it's obviously worked for them, and I hope it's cleared the air for some real communication.

I suspect that if the OP puts herself first for a while (making sure the child is cared for, of course, and being careful of her ongoing pregnancy), he will regain some interest; he will have to re-arrange his mental furniture beyond seeing her as his appendage because she won't be automatically at his beck and call caretaking his domestic museum. He's used to her being at home, not going out, doing all the housework - that clearly needs to change as it's unhealthy for anyone, and would I suspect become an intolerable burden on her with the arrival of the second child.

The possible corollary is a build-up of resentment on his part; if she's doing all the household stuff, that could be interpreted as an insult and him being made to feel unnecessary and just a bother round the house (not saying that's what's happening, but it could be). Some husbands feel like spare parts once children come along and wonder where the woman they married went.

She needs to strike out for a little 'living' of her own (going out with friends etc just like he does), and I reckon he'll respect her more; she'll regain a bit of mystique in his eyes if she's not waiting on him hand and foot. It's not unreasonable to expect him to babysit occasionally so she can go out, and even better if a reliable babysitter can be found which would enable them to go out together as a couple.

I apologise for talking about the OP in the 3rd person but that was the easiest way to phrase it.

Morglin

I don't think this is a situation about bullying.

The husband is clearly saying that, for whatever reason, he is finding married life a bore at the moment, and that, in turn, is affecting him sexually (which it would).

I'm afraid I don't hold much store by things like Relate - this is surely just a communication problem and what needs to be discussed (between the two involved), is how they now feel about each other, and where they see their futures (together or apart).

Perhaps they have just out grown each other, and would be happier with other people, which often happens when couples get together so young.

Most of us go through a stage of feeling our youth has long gone, and we're getting old - if this is his only problem, then perhaps a new hobby/interest or whatever may be enough.

Sexual problems can always be sorted with communication - there are endless ways to change techniques and be fulfilled.

Spicing it all up doesn't cost much - just imagination.;)

If his GP says that it's not a physical problem, could hubby be depressed?

I wouldn't recommend going down the "mind games/point scoring/revenge" route - a marriage is supposed to be about love, after all.

Good luck anyway.

Lin

Gingham_Ribbon

Gabriel-Ernest wrote:

She needs to strike out for a little 'living' of her own (going out with friends etc just like he does), and I reckon he'll respect her more; she'll regain a bit of mystique in his eyes if she's not waiting on him hand and foot. It's not unreasonable to expect him to babysit occasionally so she can go out, and even better if a reliable babysitter can be found which would enable them to go out together as a couple..

I do agree with you, and I'm sorry that all this is going on while you are pregnant Lisa. I missed that bit. This is not good timing.

I think there is a big difference between becoming more assertive and expecting help around the house and what the other poster was suggesting, which sounded like an out and out war strategy.

It's one thing to realise that someone is upset because they haven't done their usual routine, it's quite another for the routine to be so disrupted that the household is no longer functioning smoothly. That coupled with the existing problems could make things much worse for all concerned.

I would never suggest that a woman should be in a position where she tends to all the household and childcare duties. But if I needed to change something in the house, I'd talk about it not launch a stealth attack.

jordylass

I think Relate can be useful, but tend to look at things from a history, how did we get here perspective, which is good, but not great I find for relationship problems when you want to find out how to putit right. The website I mentioned before is about solution based therapy, but mostly I fnd the message boards good where you can read what others have been through and what works and what doesn't.
Sick note please have a look through there and read the sections on walk away wife, it will help you to see where she is coming from and give you ideas on things you can do, (if you want to) to save the relationship.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php

It can be pretty weighty, but I found much better than relate at 'doing something' about the problems.

magyar

Morglin wrote:

I'm afraid I don't hold much store by things like Relate - this is surely just a communication problem and what needs to be discussed (between the two involved), is how they now feel about each other, and where they see their futures (together or apart).

But the point about Relate is that it makes people accept they have a problem: in the same was as going to Alcoholics Anonymous can't actually stop you drinking, but makes you take that first step towards doing so.

You make a good point that Relate don't just help people stay together, they also help people separate. Where kids are involved, it can't be overstressed enough that it's not them who are separating. It's important that the kids still have a dad and Relate can help all parties realise that and come to an amicable solution. (Of course, Lisa, I really hope this doesn't come to that).

Morglin wrote:

I wouldn't recommend going down the "mind games/point scoring/revenge" route - a marriage is supposed to be about love, after all.

And I think every post should reiterate this over and over again. Even if there's not much love left, hating someone will only hurt yourself in the long run.

Rachie_B

Gingham_Ribbon wrote:

I do agree with you, and I'm sorry that all this is going on while you are pregnant Lisa. I missed that bit. This is not good timing.

Its not really my place to say but the OP (lisa) is not pregnant

she had another thread saying about being broody thats all

Morglin

magyar wrote:

But the point about Relate is that it makes people accept they have a problem: in the same was as going to Alcoholics Anonymous can't actually stop you drinking, but makes you take that first step towards doing so.

You make a good point that Relate don't just help people stay together, they also help people separate. Where kids are involved, it can't be overstressed enough that it's not them who are separating. It's important that the kids still have a dad and Relate can help all parties realise that and come to an amicable solution. (Of course, Lisa, I really hope this doesn't come to that).



And I think every post should reiterate this over and over again. Even if there's not much love left, hating someone will only hurt yourself in the long run.

Well,perhaps something like Relate suits some -I can't think of anything worse than counselling or whatever.:eek: :eek:

I was lucky in that I have a brilliant mate who I could talk to (and who was honest enough to tell me if I was being unreasonable).

I was married for 32 years - in the end, we both knew we had a problem, we talked endlessly, we tried and tried again, but I really had got to the point where I just wanted out of the marriage.

He was an ok bloke (although at heart a control freak), but the fact was I was bored, I realised that I had got married too young, and just viewed him with affection, as opposed to anything else.

Counselling wouldn't have changed that, and as our kids were adults, I felt that I owed no-one anything any more.

Sometimes, you just have to talk, try and if that fails, then have the courage to break free and start again (and after 32 years, that step was terrifying).

But, I've now remarried, and realised what I had been missing all these years.

Lin

Bold-girl

So sorry about this Lisa, :grouphug: to you. I have been in a similar situation but we worked though it without going to relate.

We had been married 25 years and like sad_note, it was my OH who was on the chatlines etc. and was ignoring me. When found out he was stunned by what he was actually doing and how it hurt me - he had got carried away by the other person. Not that he was an innocent in any shape or form, but he did say to them that I was always the one for him and that he would never leave me, This other thing was just a sideline of chat rooms and because I never went on line, it was his 'bit of fun & adventure'. I forgave hime and we talked and talked and sorted things out by ourselves.

This happened 18 months ago and he has behaved himself since then. But I no longer run after him by doing everything for him - although I still do most of the housework, I do it in my own time, not straight away and he has been known to actually make tea now and then! I have joined some activities which take me out of the house, and we go out more together.

I was very much like you Lisa, I was a stay at home mum and hardly ever went out (3 times a year, His birthday, My birthday and our anniversary). He was a sporty guy and always played football, cricket, tennis or whatever, and he often stayed out late, but never (and I mean never) came home drunk or stayed out overnight.

I would never, ever have thought my OH would have done anything like this at all, but I realise that it happens all the time.

Your hubby has at least said something to you without you finding out (which is absolutely gutwrenching) and you can hopefully work on that. Talke things in small steps - don't expect everything to be hunky-dory if you decide that it was a mistake and you stay together because you both want to. It will take time and patience from you both, but if either of you feel the other is slipping, then talk it through - straigh away.

Good luck for Friday and I really, really hope it all turns out well for you both.

BTW my OH has sexual problems too, only he WONT go to the docs, so we have to do things differently - when he feels inclined!

magyar

Bold-girl wrote:

We had been married 25 years and like sad_note, it was my OH who was on the chatlines etc. and was ignoring me. When found out he was stunned by what he was actually doing and how it hurt me - he had got carried away by the other person. Not that he was an innocent in any shape or form, but he did say to them that I was always the one for him and that he would never leave me, This other thing was just a sideline of chat rooms and because I never went on line, it was his 'bit of fun & adventure'. I forgave hime and we talked and talked and sorted things out by ourselves.

I think a lot of men (and women, I assume? else who are these men doing it with?) think like this. I'm not condoning it, but the telling phease above was "he was stunned by what he was actually doing".

It's great to hear tales where people work things through. Whether this is with or without Relate is very much down to the individuals - although I think it can rarely hurt to use Relate.