Male mid life crisis?

Edna_Bucket_2

I don't normally read or comment on threads like this, but having stumbled on it and read the othrs opinions I would venture:

1) Completely ignore the post (and the last two paras) by linlin unless you are hell-bent on a swift divorce. That is one of the nastiest, vindictive and spiteful pieces of so-called "advice" I've had the misfortune to read.

2) Follow 100% the sensible and constructive advice of Morglin - a very good post indeed.

Let's all give your bloke some (limited) credit too - he's at least raised the subject and tried to communicate it before matters have come to a complete head - albeit in an often-typically male cack-handed way, and probably used all the wrong words.

COMMUNICATE more and sort things out. Hopefully if you do that his first bungled attempt will lead to something more useful in due course. I would guess that if you really think about it and are honest the two of you haven't properly communicated in ages.

You also IMHO need to sort out your own attitude too - looking at:

To be honest I feel he is being immature and needs to get over himself. He has 2 children and a wife. We all have regrets, but we can’t let them dominate our lives.

I wondered who was the immature one? Telling someone to "get over himself" when he's tried to raise a difficult topic is hardly constructive. You also seem quite keen to play the "martyr" card - which is fine as long as you are happy ending up being a solitary martyr.

Rachie_B

lisa_75 wrote:

Not really. We don't often have anyone to babysit. Maybe three times a year. Both sets of grandparents work full time, so value their weekends. We go out seperatly. Him two three times a week, me about once a month. We don't have the same friends.

that cant help the situation

as much as i love my girlie nights out, or even family meals etc together

you cant beat a meal / drinks out with just your partner,we all need that even if once a month or something

is there no one you would trust with the children ? just for a few hours ?

a childcare student at the college / a trustworthy teenager etc ?

I found babysitting work by posting ads in the local shops windows etc & placing https://www.netmums.com and https://www.gumtree.com ads

maybe put a "wanted" ad would find you someone ?

as much as we all love our kids we all need time off to be a couple

magyar

lisa_75 wrote:

Not really. We don't often have anyone to babysit. Maybe three times a year. Both sets of grandparents work full time, so value their weekends. We go out seperatly. Him two three times a week, me about once a month. We don't have the same friends.

That's a shame; do his friends not have girlfriends/partners etc.? Maybe you could invite them over, meal/drinks etc. Then they play on Playstations or whatever and you chat with the partner etc. May make him realise that actually that's what normal people of his age do.

What about family things at the weekends - do you get much chance to go out all together? If he likes boys toys etc. then how about do something like get a remote controlled boat or something, take it to a lake and play with it with the kids?

Just random ideas really. It sounds to me like you need to get some fun into the marriage. (Purely based on what you've said)

Rachie_B

Edna_Bucket wrote:

You also IMHO need to sort out your own attitude too - looking at:



I wondered who was the immature one? Telling someone to "get over himself" when he's tried to raise a difficult topic is hardly constructive. You also seem quite keen to play the "martyr" card - which is fine as long as you are happy ending up being a solitary martyr.

I think the OP was ( and still is!) upset / disappointed / angry by what she has learned

i think i would be saying more than she did !

I can see it from both sides

: her being pi55ed off and hurt and bitter in a way SHE has the kids too,SHE has only had 1 sexual partner etc etc like he has

and him : telling her before it got to a point where he "did" something

But the OP has said he goes out 3 times a week and herself only once a month ! so not equal even though they are both their children etc

so its not as if the OP stops him from going out !

linlin_3

Edna_Bucket wrote:

I don't normally read or comment on threads like this, but having stumbled on it and read the othrs opinions I would venture:

1) Completely ignore the post (and the last two paras) by linlin unless you are hell-bent on a swift divorce. That is one of the nastiest, vindictive and spiteful pieces of so-called "advice" I've had the misfortune to read.

You obviously (and fortunately) don't have my experience! I was suggesting that Lisa stands up for herself. If she "withdraws" all domestic services, specifically from him, she is sending the message that he can't expect her to do good things for him whilst being on the receiving end of verbal abuse! She is probably very hurt...........he has no idea how that feels. Is that situation to continue? If she stands up to him now, he might get the message. If she doesn't he can continue in the same vein for a very long time. Not only continue, but know he can get away with it scot free.....there's more ways to abuse than just physical.

I'm going to try to explain in hypothetical terms: A bully bullies because he can! If at the very first attempt, the bully's "victim" were to treat him the same, there would be no more bullying. When a bully of many years experience, has his victim suddenly stand up to him - what do you suppose happens? The bully gets a shock.......BUT the victim has done something she has no experience of and by so doing, gets a positive result! The victim feels a freedom she hasn't experienced in very many years and the bully finally gets to know what it feels like.

flufff

Nobodies asked Lisa how she feels.
Does she want this marriage or would she be happier if it ended?
If I loved my man and thought I was going to lose him because he thought grass was greener then I'd up the anti at home.
Pop kids up for an early night.Nice meal candles.Make sure I smelt nice and looked nice.I'd try and make an opportunity to talk to clear air but also seduce him.After all who needs burgers when you have steak at home.
On other hand if I wanted out or knew it was over I'd be damage limiting by seeking legal advice.
Are you sure he hasnt already cheated?Any tell tale signs?
Some people can forgive n forget,each to their own but for me once they cross that line they have upper hand so I couldnt and wouldnt.
For kids sake stay strong.I promise the routine with kids will get you through any eventuality from someone whos been there. Big hugs.x

lisa_75

flufff wrote:

Nobodies asked Lisa how she feels.
Does she want this marriage or would she be happier if it ended?
If I loved my man and thought I was going to lose him because he thought grass was greener then I'd up the anti at home.
Pop kids up for an early night.Nice meal candles.Make sure I smelt nice and looked nice.I'd try and make an opportunity to talk to clear air but also seduce him.After all who needs burgers when you have steak at home.
On other hand if I wanted out or knew it was over I'd be damage limiting by seeking legal advice.

I have tried all this. The sex problems have been going on for several years. He is just not that interested. In fact, the more interested I get the worse it seems to make it. He has been having some problems, but the doctor says there is nothing they can give him to help.

I think in his mind, I am the problem and if he gets a new sexual partner his problem will go away.

I want this marriage, but I don't want to be with a man who would rather be shagging some busty 18 year old than his loving wife.

I have just rang Relate. It is £40 an hour and we just can't afford that right now. They have a sliding scale based on income, but we would have to pay top wack because of my husbands earnings.

At the moment, honestly if I had the money I would leave. I feel so humiiated and degraded and as if the man I married is a stranger to me, but I have the kids to think of.

At the moment I am going to grit my teeth and get on with it until I graduate and then see how I feel then.

flufff

You dont have to leave permanently.If you own or rent your home your entitled to it not him as you have the kids.
Ive been in a similar situation 6 years ago re the sex.I'm afraid you cant make someone love you.You can still love someone but no longer be in love.Once its gone its difficult to retrieve unless both partners want to.Sorry but people do change,kids bring responsibilities.People grow at different speeds.
To me i'm sorry but it sounds like hes already been elsewhere or is looking.
I can assure you he will at some later point regret it.By then he will have lost everything too much water under bridge etc.
But I'm afraid if hes going to do it there is little you can do to stop you.
Drawing on my own experience am I right guessing hes reluctant talking about this as he feels guilty.
Some people look for evidence like on mobile phones.Others figure its an abse of trust if they are gonna cheat they will.
Eyes are a clear indication of the soul.Can he tell you he loves you and look straight into your eyes?Ditto ask him if hes cheated.
Does he go places in public with you.
If he cant look you in the eye and gets angry then its over sweetheart.
You need to look after you not him.
Who controls the finances?You need to look out for you n kids.He has no right spending family money to pay for nights out.

magyar

linlin wrote:

You obviously (and fortunately) don't have my experience! I was suggesting that Lisa stands up for herself. If she "withdraws" all domestic services, specifically from him, she is sending the message that he can't expect her to do good things for him whilst being on the receiving end of verbal abuse! She is probably very hurt...........he has no idea how that feels. Is that situation to continue? If she stands up to him now, he might get the message. If she doesn't he can continue in the same vein for a very long time. Not only continue, but know he can get away with it scot free.....there's more ways to abuse than just physical.

I'm going to try to explain in hypothetical terms: A bully bullies because he can! If at the very first attempt, the bully's "victim" were to treat him the same, there would be no more bullying. When a bully of many years experience, has his victim suddenly stand up to him - what do you suppose happens? The bully gets a shock.......BUT the victim has done something she has no experience of and by so doing, gets a positive result! The victim feels a freedom she hasn't experienced in very many years and the bully finally gets to know what it feels like.

LinLin, what you say in the first paragraph is of course fine: the OP is clearly hurt and who wouldn't be. It's still unnecessarily aggressive though.

But I can't get over your line "Think also about something you could do to him or his possessions that would seriously hurt him", which is nasty and vindictive. This will merely make the situation worse.

magyar

flufff wrote:

You dont have to leave permanently.If you own or rent your home your entitled to it not him as you have the kids.
Ive been in a similar situation 6 years ago re the sex.I'm afraid you cant make someone love you.You can still love someone but no longer be in love.Once its gone its difficult to retrieve unless both partners want to.Sorry but people do change,kids bring responsibilities.People grow at different speeds.
To me i'm sorry but it sounds like hes already been elsewhere or is looking.
I can assure you he will at some later point regret it.By then he will have lost everything too much water under bridge etc.
But I'm afraid if hes going to do it there is little you can do to stop you.
Drawing on my own experience am I right guessing hes reluctant talking about this as he feels guilty.
Some people look for evidence like on mobile phones.Others figure its an abse of trust if they are gonna cheat they will.
Eyes are a clear indication of the soul.Can he tell you he loves you and look straight into your eyes?Ditto ask him if hes cheated.
Does he go places in public with you.
If he cant look you in the eye and gets angry then its over sweetheart.
You need to look after you and him.
Who controls the finances?You need to look out for you n kids.He has no right spending family money to pay for nights out.

I can lie through my teeth and look someone in the eye. You can't answer questions as complex as these by something so simple.

Lisa please spend £40 and listen to Relate; no it's not cheap but what price can you put on your future?