My son is 4 weeks off being 18 and he says

CH27

A lot of what you are describing is normal teenage behaviour.

Also some people are naturally empathetic(sp?) & some are not.
You cannot change a persons basic behaviour.

He is doing some chores even though he moans. I moan about doing stuff I dislike at times:D

I don't think you are wrong expecting him to work. My son is 16 & has a part time job which he will fit around college from september.

victory

liney wrote: »

. Everything else, such as entertainment, impractical shoes and many vodka and cokes, were paid for by my part time job.

Exactly not a big ask, I would expect him to want to fund himself for his luxuries not have his hand out and expect us to do it because he feels it is his right:D

victory

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I totally agree.

I went to a top grammar school and virtually everyone had a Saturday job and worked during school holidays, whatever income their parents had.

At this age (if not younger) a parent's responsibility should cover providing a roof over their heads, food and educational costs; anything else should be covered by the student themselves, except for very exceptional circumstances.

I agree, if he wants to go out 7 nights a week in the summer hols why should we pay for it? I do not go out because I can't go and can't afford it and neither can OH because we have bills to pay and life to lead, OH goes out full time to take care of us 4 not just him:D

January20

ceridwen wrote: »

Been thinking further on this whilst getting that breakfast porridge ready and:

I caught myself thinking "Well - how/why would it make any difference if son got a part-time job whilst still at school anyway?"

It would only "relieve the pressure" of him asking you for luxury goods - because he would buy them himself from his earnings from a part-time job. It wouldnt actually help the household budget anyway - as he wouldnt be giving any of it towards that budget.

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At that point I thought "Maybe people in some circles DO take money towards the household budget from their schoolkid children?". I didnt - I was earning it on top of going to school. It was obviously mine. I spent it. Thats what all of us did who had decided to get part-time jobs. It was extra clothes/social money for us personally.

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Is this the problem? Are you expecting that he would give some of that money towards the household budget on the one hand - but he can see that none of his friends do so on the other hand?

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I would say, from his point of view it makes no sense to spend time doing a p/t job whilst at school - because he prefers to have what sparetime he has left after studying for leisure - rather than having luxury goods/extra clothes/etc.

So - I'm now wondering why you want him to have a p/t job?

I would like to answer your post with my experience. It may be different to victory's experience and expectations of course.

I have a dd who turned 18 at the very last end of last year. She had previously had a summer job, that turned into a catastrophe, at around 16 and had never worked again. Lost a bit of confidence too.

To make the situation clearer, we are a one parent family and I work 2 part-time jobs.

In January she decided she wanted a job and she did get one, pretty quickly (I had a contact ) in a pub. Until May she was still at school and she only did about 3 shifts a week. Since she left school, she has worked pretty much how much the manager has asked her.

How this has changed out life?

1. I don't take any money from her because I am quite old fashioned and think that she is my responsibility until she has a "proper" job, and not at school anymore. But I expect her to fund all her needs ie clothes, make up, entertainment etc. If she wants special food that I haven't bought in my weekly shopping she buys it herself. Her working has taken a lot of guilt from me because I could not afford the lifestyle that she has now. Good for my well being.

2. She is out of the home a lot, has built a life of her own, is learning the value of money and is enjoying "being an adult". She has grown more confident. She is learning to make decisions for herself. She is learning about responsibility and our relationship has improved from her becoming more of an adult.

3. She enjoys treating me too ie to a meal out or a few drinks etc and this is really good for her too. It makes her feel more like an adult which of course legally she is!

I hope this makes sense. I'm finding it difficult to put into words what is in my head this morning lol!

Mojisola

victory wrote: »

cerid a)all his studies he does in school sorry 6th form time, he stays behind on a tuesday for his p.e, during breaks and lunches he uses their comps and his gf help and get his work done that way so when he comes home he has absolutely nothing to do with 6th form work.

Having seen the hours that other young people put into their A levels, I'm very surprised that he doesn't have work to do outside of college hours!

b) He refuses to co-operate house work wise, he is selfish and regards it as not his job there are 4 of us here , OH works full time, I am disabled and his youngest brother helps enormously, he says he doesn't have to do anything, shouldn't have to do anything and won't do it unless you go on so much yes he eventually does it under duress, with no good grace, moaning he does do it in the end.

What you the three of you do that he benefits from? Could you stop doing some of those chores?

c) All his life is social life, he goes to endless BBQ in the summer, the friends has parties, he goes to all you can eat buffet most weekends with his mate,s he goes to the cinema, he is out with his gf all the time he would not give anything up for his family and not even give a backward glance or thought to me my disability the family his brother no one he comes first and first always. We have never asked him to do more than he should, never asked him to return from anywhere or do anything that is beyond him.

I just couldn't live with another person in the house behaving like this! He really needs to grow up and take some responsibility for himself.

If he won't, or makes it such hard work that he stresses the rest of you out, I would be looking to some tough love. Either home would get so awkward for him that he started to help out or he would have to try living somewhere else for a while.

Peanuckle

January20 wrote: »

I would like to answer your post with my experience. It may be different to victory's experience and expectations of course.

I have a dd who turned 18 at the very last end of last year. She had previously had a summer job, that turned into a catastrophe, at around 16 and had never worked again. Lost a bit of confidence too.

To make the situation clearer, we are a one parent family and I work 2 part-time jobs.

In January she decided she wanted a job and she did get one, pretty quickly (I had a contact ) in a pub. Until May she was still at school and she only did about 3 shifts a week. Since she left school, she has worked pretty much how much the manager has asked her.

How this has changed out life?

1. I don't take any money from her because I am quite old fashioned and think that she is my responsibility until she has a "proper" job, and not at school anymore. But I expect her to fund all her needs ie clothes, make up, entertainment etc. If she wants special food that I haven't bought in my weekly shopping she buys it herself. Her working has taken a lot of guilt from me because I could not afford the lifestyle that she has now. Good for my well being.

2. She is out of the home a lot, has built a life of her own, is learning the value of money and is enjoying "being an adult". She has grown more confident. She is learning to make decisions for herself. She is learning about responsibility and our relationship has improved from her becoming more of an adult.

3. She enjoys treating me too ie to a meal out or a few drinks etc and this is really good for her too. It makes her feel more like an adult which of course legally she is!

I hope this makes sense. I'm finding it difficult to put into words what is in my head this morning lol!

The rule in our house is whilst you are still eligible for child benefit then any wages you earn are your money to do as you will but the child benefit only covers basic accommodation, food and clothing. Want something more expensive? then go earn the extra money for it.

Once Child Benefit is no longer payable then you need to pay your way somehow, whether that be through student funding or work, obviously if they were living away from home then nothing would be required towards lodging but all 3 are studying locally so they're all at home.

Also, as long as this is your homebase ie where your clothes etc are then you pay lodgings, even if you do decide to spend 3 nights a week at your boy/girlfriends or sleep on the beach with your mates :rotfl:

Darkshines

Do you have a garden?
If so then why doesn't he have a garden party?
Get him to invite a few mates like 20 realistically depending on size of a garden and if any of his mates have any tents get them to bring that so they can sleep in the garden? Also get them to bring their own booze because all you then have to provide is nibbles and decoration and it brings the cost down.

Darkshines

victory

Mojisola wrote: »

I just couldn't live with another person in the house behaving like this! He really needs to grow up and take some responsibility for himself.

If he won't, or makes it such hard work that he stresses the rest of you out, I would be looking to some tough love. Either home would get so awkward for him that he started to help out or he would have to try living somewhere else for a while.

Uhm that is what I am saying it drives everyone a little less tolerant and a lot more narky:D

victory

Darkshines wrote: »

Do you have a garden?
If so then why doesn't he have a garden party?
Get him to invite a few mates like 20 realistically depending on size of a garden and if any of his mates have any tents get them to bring that so they can sleep in the garden? Also get them to bring their own booze because all you then have to provide is nibbles and decoration and it brings the cost down.

Darkshines

No to the garden party, realistically it would be trashed:D

dark_lady

When i left school at 16 i got a job at Tesco Garden Centre which started two days after my last exam. I did two years at college after the tesco temp contract ended during which time i did care work for a few years and i contributed to the household and helped out at home. In this instance my parents at that time were happy for me to be an adult.
However when it came to nights out all of a sudden they wanted to treat me like a child again. My mother did not want me going out at all even when i was over 18. Every time i mentioned going out she would say "What for"!
Incidentally it was my Dad who wanted me to contribute not my mum.
My dad wanted to treat me like an adult but my mum wanted to continue to treat me like a child so that she could have control. I ended up staying in just to keep the peace but the resentment built and built until one evening, I had left a note on the kitchen table explaining that i was out and not to worry about my tea. ( i had left notes in the past and she denied seeing them so this time id sellotaped it to the kitchen table.) i got back about 8pm and there was a big row about why did i want to go out etc. And i told the pair of them to sort it out between them cos they couldnt have me as a child when it suits and then as an adult when it suits.
Some parents want the best of both worlds and are not willing to take the rough with the smooth. I remember saying to my mum,If im not an adult then why am i paying poll tax. (this was 1991) In the end my dad told her that she would have to stop treating me like i was stupid and start treating me like the responsible adult that i was and still am.
To this day i am still the responsible one out of me and my brother.

I am now 38 and ive still never been drunk, never been in debt (my bro cant say the same) if i cant afford something i simply go without until i can.
Incidentally i get on really well with my parents now and they both call me "the sensible one"
But some parents really do need to think about this one and maybe need to be sure that its not them (the parents) trying to have it both ways!