My son is 4 weeks off being 18 and he says

skylight

Smack him one on his 18th. The police treat assault to an adult very differently to a "child"!!!

Start replying back with you're so looking forward to his 18th as he will be leaving home and you only had an obligation to house a child ......

victory

skylight wrote: »

Smack him one on his 18th. The police treat assault to an adult very differently to a "child"!!!

Start replying back with you're so looking forward to his 18th as he will be leaving home and you only had an obligation to house a child ......

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

ceridwen

Maybe it might be best to sit down jointly with him and work out how much time he needs to:

a. First and foremost - do his studies to a HIGH standard with the best possible results he is personally capable of getting (to make sure he has the best possible future life he is capable of). From what I've read of "high achieving" students - I doubt they have much spare time left after doing the amount of study necessary to be a "high achiever"...

b. Expect a reasonable amount of help around the home (how much depending on how many hours a week the adults in the house work - ie whether you are both full-time - in which case he pulls his weight equally).

c. Allow a reasonable amount of time for his social life/hobbies/interests.

That is the order of priority that I feel is reasonable. Once sufficient time has been allocated to the above 3 items - then see whether there is any time left available for part-time working and, if so, how much it is.

I dont know whether you and your husband are both working full-time or no. It occurred to me that one of the reasons my parents must have decided not to even hint at me to get a part-time job is because one of them (ie my mother) only worked part-time. That is - there would have been an instant rejoinder of "Why should a child work ON TOP OF going to school - when an adult only works part-time?" Which - as a middle-age person still seems a fair point to me.

I must admit to still being rather puzzled at having an expectation of a schoolkid (albeit nearly adult age) HAVING to have a job ON TOP OF going to school/helping with chores/having a life.

So I think its fair to expect help with the chores (assuming you both work full-time) but I would not personally expect a schoolkid (of any age) to do a job on top of that going to school and having to study (harder than my generation had to at that) on top of it.

I do think you are at risk of finding in later life that if he is forced to have less time/energy than he requires for both studying and a life that he might choose the Life first and then blame you for the fact that there wasnt enough time/energy left for studying. Thus - if he doesnt do as well as he could reasonably expect for the level of intelligence he has - then he might think "Well if I'd had more time/energy available for studying then I might have got better qualifications and have done better at work".

************

Re the £300 for an 18th birthday party - well it IS an 18th birthday party. I dont personally think thats an unreasonable amount per se. Whether this amount of money can be afforded by you is, of course, a different matter. Personally - I would sit down and say to him "I acknowledge that £300 is not an unreasonable amount for such an important occasion and, of myself, I'd cover that cost. However - much as I'd like to - my salary I receive ISNT reasonable, so I cant afford to be. By the time we've had to pay out (list necessary bills) then I'm afraid there simply isnt enough money to cover that cost. I'm sorry - but I'm not being unreasonable - there simply isnt enough money coming into the house to cover that cost. So - I'd like to give it to you but I just cant afford it."
(With that - you've acknowledged him and his requirements - but explained that sometimes even important things cant be afforded).

ceridwen

Been thinking further on this whilst getting that breakfast porridge ready and:

I caught myself thinking "Well - how/why would it make any difference if son got a part-time job whilst still at school anyway?"

It would only "relieve the pressure" of him asking you for luxury goods - because he would buy them himself from his earnings from a part-time job. It wouldnt actually help the household budget anyway - as he wouldnt be giving any of it towards that budget.

**************************

At that point I thought "Maybe people in some circles DO take money towards the household budget from their schoolkid children?". I didnt - I was earning it on top of going to school. It was obviously mine. I spent it. Thats what all of us did who had decided to get part-time jobs. It was extra clothes/social money for us personally.

************************

Is this the problem? Are you expecting that he would give some of that money towards the household budget on the one hand - but he can see that none of his friends do so on the other hand?

*********************

I would say, from his point of view it makes no sense to spend time doing a p/t job whilst at school - because he prefers to have what sparetime he has left after studying for leisure - rather than having luxury goods/extra clothes/etc.

So - I'm now wondering why you want him to have a p/t job?

Spendless

Hi Victory,
I did have a p-time job whilst I was at 6th form, and many of my friends did too, but I worked on Saturdays, and just extra during the schools hols or late nights on the run up to Christmas. We once persuaded a teacher to extend how long she wanted homework in for by telling her (truthfully) that we were all working Thursday late night shopping.

Nowadays with 7 days opening, many of the regular staff do weekend work, so it leaves less vacancies to just do 1 weekend day. I got into conversation with a cashier at a major supermarket about this not long ago, where she works all staff have to do sat or sun every week, as such they have no 'Saturday boy/girl' jobs. She told me she also had teenage children and how hard they'd found it getting something. What she had done is pay for her 17yo to take a life-guards course, and then he'd been able to pick up work that way. Is this an option?

At the min it's probably not the best time to look for something, uni students are home and possibly working till they go back, 6th formers who have jobs are probably working all hours to cover hols and put money away for them to go to Uni with. Where your son's advantage lies, is he will be 18 first amongst his peers, that will open the door to him being able to do bar work and in September jobs will become vacant as the post-holder heads (back) to Uni.

liney

ceridwen wrote: »

Been thinking further on this whilst getting that breakfast porridge ready and:

I caught myself thinking "Well - how/why would it make any difference if son got a part-time job whilst still at school anyway?"

It would only "relieve the pressure" of him asking you for luxury goods - because he would buy them himself from his earnings from a part-time job. It wouldnt actually help the household budget anyway - as he wouldnt be giving any of it towards that budget.

**************************

At that point I thought "Maybe people in some circles DO take money towards the household budget from their schoolkid children?". I didnt - I was earning it on top of going to school. It was obviously mine. I spent it. Thats what all of us did who had decided to get part-time jobs. It was extra clothes/social money for us personally.

************************

Is this the problem? Are you expecting that he would give some of that money towards the household budget on the one hand - but he can see that none of his friends do so on the other hand?

*********************

I would say, from his point of view it makes no sense to spend time doing a p/t job whilst at school - because he prefers to have what sparetime he has left after studying for leisure - rather than having luxury goods/extra clothes/etc.

So - I'm now wondering why you want him to have a p/t job?

You keep referring to 'school' but the son is at 6th form ie optional education, generally referred to as College if in a different building to the origional Secondary School.

It is not unusual for 6th formers to work during the evenings, and most definately neither unreasonable or unusual to work during the holidays. I certainly didn't receive pocket money, or the benefit from my parents when at college: they paid my weekly bus ticket, gave me the opportunity to make and take a packed lunch with me, and bought me essential clothing. Everything else, such as entertainment, impractical shoes and many vodka and cokes, were paid for by my part time job.

I assume that you also think that University Students should be subsidised by their parents because having a part time job might damage their results?

Of course the 17/18 year old having a part time job would lift the pressure on the household budget. It would mean that he wouldn't be asking his Mother for money for XYZ constantly, but more importantly it would make him realise that money doesn't grown on trees! (or in Mom's handbag)

Oldernotwiser

liney wrote: »

You keep referring to 'school' but the son is at 6th form ie optional education, generally referred to as College if in a different building to the origional Secondary School.

It is not unusual for 6th formers to work during the evenings, and most definately neither unreasonable or unusual to work during the holidays. I certainly didn't receive pocket money, or the benefit from my parents when at college: they paid my weekly bus ticket, gave me the opportunity to make and take a packed lunch with me, and bought me essential clothing. Everything else, such as entertainment, impractical shoes and many vodka and cokes, were paid for by my part time job.

I assume that you also think that University Students should be subsidised by their parents because having a part time job might damage their results?

Of course the 17/18 year old having a part time job would lift the pressure on the household budget. It would mean that he wouldn't be asking his Mother for money for XYZ constantly, but more importantly it would make him realise that money doesn't grown on trees! (or in Mom's handbag)

I totally agree.

I went to a top grammar school and virtually everyone had a Saturday job and worked during school holidays, whatever income their parents had.

At this age (if not younger) a parent's responsibility should cover providing a roof over their heads, food and educational costs; anything else should be covered by the student themselves, except for very exceptional circumstances.

gillypkk

i think its a fantastic idea to get him out and working! after all he needs to learn sometime that he needs to work to pay for food, clothes, a home! etc..

and if he goes to uni - well the less of a student loan he needs to take the better! i went to college for 2 years and never took a loan at all, i worked to afford food and to go out (3 nights a week on student night when drinks were £1 :eek: and most places haf 2 for 1 on too! and everywhere was free entry:D)

and the amount of work we had to do at that level of "school" was laughable! i spent most of my last year drinking coffee and messing about with my mates playing the guitar in the common room!

victory

Right, I will answer you all, firstly sorry for refeering it as school, no it is wrong 6th form optional education yes.

cerid a)all his studies he does in school sorry 6th form time, he stays behind on a tuesday for his p.e, during breaks and lunches he uses their comps and his gf help and get his work done that way so when he comes home he has absolutely nothing to do with 6th form work.

b) He refuses to co-operate house work wise, he is selfish and regards it as not his job there are 4 of us here , OH works full time, I am disabled and his youngest brother helps enormously, he says he doesn't have to do anything, shouldn't have to do anything and won't do it unless you go on so much yes he eventually does it under duress, with no good grace, moaning he does do it in the end.


c) All his life is social life, he goes to endless BBQ in the summer, the friends has parties, he goes to all you can eat buffet most weekends with his mate,s he goes to the cinema, he is out with his gf all the time he would not give anything up for his family and not even give a backward glance or thought to me my disability the family his brother no one he comes first and first always. We have never asked him to do more than he should, never asked him to return from anywhere or do anything that is beyond him.

He wants the money for his designer gear, his luxuries, his social life he has to get a job.

Re the £300 there is no way we can afford it, we sat him down a while ago and told him all that and explained clearly and fairly and we have now compromised he can have a £200 cash birthday present which is far more than generous, he has asked for it many many times before it is even his birthday and we have said no, wait, you will get it on your 18th, we are not rich people, we cannot afford to 'keep him' and for us £200 is a huge amount of money for him to go and spend on whatever he wants.

victory

ceridwen wrote: »

Been thinking further on this whilst getting that breakfast porridge ready and:

I caught myself thinking "Well - how/why would it make any difference if son got a part-time job whilst still at school anyway?"

It would only "relieve the pressure" of him asking you for luxury goods - because he would buy them himself from his earnings from a part-time job. It wouldnt actually help the household budget anyway - as he wouldnt be giving any of it towards that budget.

**************************

At that point I thought "Maybe people in some circles DO take money towards the household budget from their schoolkid children?". I didnt - I was earning it on top of going to school. It was obviously mine. I spent it. Thats what all of us did who had decided to get part-time jobs. It was extra clothes/social money for us personally.

************************

Is this the problem? Are you expecting that he would give some of that money towards the household budget on the one hand - but he can see that none of his friends do so on the other hand?

*********************

I would say, from his point of view it makes no sense to spend time doing a p/t job whilst at school - because he prefers to have what sparetime he has left after studying for leisure - rather than having luxury goods/extra clothes/etc.

So - I'm now wondering why you want him to have a p/t job?

We want his to have a part time job so he can fund his own social life, buy his own beers for his weekend and week parties, the birthday parties he goes to , the cinema trips, the designer clothes, buy a new phone,, the £60 shoes he has asked for and knows he will not get, the day to day living we do, his extra luxuries exclusive to him has to be his doing not ours.