Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

clearingout

purpletoenails wrote: »

I'm positive

PTN, how can you be positive about anything this man tells you? He's living a lie....it doesn't matter how you look at it or what you do with it, he's a liar. You assume that because he says he loves you, he's telling you the truth. In all probability he says the same to his wife - kissed her goodbye before going on his business trip, phones her every night, then sits in the bar of his hotel and picks up another woman travelling alone or a prostitute.

I haven't said this before on here but I discovered a discarded credit card statement from my ex last year when moving house. I never had reason to look at his credit card statements - I trusted him. This one statement said it all: he had a subscription to an 'adult dating website', in all it's glory (was costing a small fortune, I can tell you - he had the premium membership!), whilst also in full flow of his affair and whilst coming home to me every evening like nothing else in the world mattered to him. He was a good liar, probably one of the best. I had no idea. Many of you may think me a little stupid but I can assure you I'm not (and I hope that my contribution here has shown that). The simple fact of the matter was that as a self employed man, my ex had 8 hours a day to do what he wanted (including work when is suited him, I guess!) and I assumed, as you do, that he was working. He wasn't. As a consultant, he was in other people's businesses so there was no chance of me ever turning up on the doorstep with forgotten sandwiches and catching him at it. He had a mobile, I had no need to phone him on a landline (which might have revealed what he was up to) and he answered that mobile immediately to me on time, every time. He came home on time. Or if he was late, he phoned me to tell me he was on the M25 and at a standstill. Why not believe him?!

Sweetheart, he's not a decent man. He's not a confused man or a man who is trying to do the best by his children. He's a liar, he's manipulative, he's scheming, he's disastisfied with life and he's never going to be a good bet. I said it much earlier - if he'd left his wife within a few months, I could have believed he was decent and wanted what was best. But it's been two years and counting and you're still on that piece of string waiting....

POPPYOSCAR

victory wrote: »

I don't have the slightest problem with views, I have them ,we all have them that is fine, it is when a poster posts with such what shall we call it one dimentional, direct, rude, over the top view that they then insist we all have to agree with and keep harpering on until we do that gets my goat, to be honest we don't know PTN and I am damn sure that if we did in real life, we would never express an opinion with such disregard for sensitiivity and her feelings

Well said!

victory

No he is def not a confused man, he is a very happy content look what I have got, look how many lives I can ruin and still try to play the 'woh is me card' and get away with it for now man:D

Errata

victory wrote: »

No he is def not a confused man, he is a very happy content look what I have got, look how many lives I can ruin and still try to play the 'woh is me card' and get away with it for now man:D

And a man who offers his mistress a few days away with him because of his job as a great prize for both of them without seeing that it's a sleazy, tacky, squalid thing to do.

purpletoenails

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I've often wondered why PTN waits for this loser, putting her life on hold until he makes a decision (as we've seen that PTN can't make a decision and stick to it), and the only thing I can think of is that she can actually envys the wife's life if that makes any sense - I'm guessing the loser isn't short of a bob or too enjoying a comfortable lifestye etc.

No I'm not envious of his lifestyle, I'm quite satisfied with my own and on the whole live a happy and content life.

victory wrote: »

So if you love him so and want to be with him at any given secret opportunity and wanted to go to the place what actually stopped you from going?

Because I have my own responsibilities here, I can't just up and gallivant off at the drop of a hat.

Errata wrote: »

And a man who offers his mistress a few days away with him because of his job as a great prize for both of them without seeing that it's a sleazy, tacky, squalid thing to do.

I kind of wish I hadn't mentioned it now! Honestly, anything I say is twisted and turned to fit with what everyone thinks of him, and seems to be treated with disdain or disbelief.

Lotus-eater

purpletoenails wrote: »

Nope not gloating, was just responding to Lostinrates post.

And apart from the fact he is having an affair, he is actually a very decent man.

I'm afraid he's not. he lost that accolade when you expressed your feelings, told him it wasn't working for you and he didn't let you go.

Which you took to mean that he loved you, but it also means he loves his wife and kids as well. Because he can't bear to leave them.

It's nothing about money or waiting for the right time. He loves his wife and kids and doesn't want them upset by his leaving. If you went away he'd find someone else to do your job.

clearingout

purpletoenails wrote: »

I kind of wish I hadn't mentioned it now! Honestly, anything I say is twisted and turned to fit with what everyone thinks of him, and seems to be treated with disdain or disbelief.

I'm afraid you can't expect us to believe that he's a nice guy. You're caught in the middle, you're not going to see it like we do - which is the reason you were asking for advice in the first place!

We treat what he says and does with disdain or disbelief because whether you like it or not, he's lying! We can't prove he's lying to you, of course not. But we can make educated guesses and work out the bigger picture. We may well have got it all entirely wrong. Mainly, we're just trying to show you that all is likely not quite as it seems.

You know, have a look on https://www.wikivorce.com and read some of the blogs and posts there from people who are beginning to go through the breakdown of their marriages - many because of an affair. I'm not suggesting that to make you feel guilty or bad or miserable or to stop you doing what you're doing. I'm suggesting it because there is a pattern in behaviour which plays itself out again and again and again in these situations. It's like there's a 'handbook of adultery' that they all refer to and after a while, you can read someone's opening post and predict what their second, third and so on...post will contain. It follows a pattern. You are in the middle of all that and it screams out at me as following by the 'handbook of adultery' rules, but obviously it's not doing the same to you because you so desperately want it to work out.

Lotus-eater

Nara wrote: »

It was so much easier thousands of years ago when no body knew how babies were made and we lived in groups helping each other out!

I believe humans were made to co-operate best in groups but ofc that all changes once you know the facts of life, men rarely want to support other mens children and sleeping with anyone other then your partner for the rest of your life is frowned upon.

I'm not saying having affairs is acceptable but I'm not sure humans are built to stay with one person forever, its a DNA thing programmed into us, safety in numbers and spreading the seed is the best way to reproduce.

Imagine if thousands of years ago people acted the way we do today, i think the human race may well have died out!

Hardly, today we act like it and the population is exploding.

People always knew the facts of life, are you seriously saying that people didn't know where babies comes from when we lived in caves? Ridiculous.

I'm not sure people were programmed to stay with one person either, but it's interesting that I think 99.9% of the world has got to the same place by it's self, you can draw some very interesting parables with other animals about certain aspects. Such as dominant males and looking after their own children while they are small, but killing other males children that their partner has.

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

I kind of wish I hadn't mentioned it now! Honestly, anything I say is twisted and turned to fit with what everyone thinks of him, and seems to be treated with disdain or disbelief.

I can understand that...but you see...it seems to me that much of what you say about the situation is twisted and turned to show him/situation in the best possible light.

I was genuinely thinking ''at least he didn't take PTN to a work trip away'' and then....you said he wanted too. Perhaps you haven't been a wife/partner at one of these things, but I have often enough....and I've seen it happen, but more than that I've heard how partners are given the information (in there passing it on) and what peers and senior colleagues think about it. Its a good thing you didn't go.

athina_2

Give him a deadline, stick to it and don't take any excuses for any delays. If youre going to leave your partner, it doesnt take six months regardless of how many children are involved - enough people who have gone through break ups on here can tell you it weeks, not months. That will tell you if he's the one, or not. Some affairs work out, maybe this is one of them. Others don't, you'll soon find out.