Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

POPPYOSCAR

ma_belle wrote: »

Because for the time being, MM is giving me what my partner isn't. We both feel as though we have met the right person at the wrong time which makes things very difficult at times, but he has never made me promises he knows he can't keep.

I can understand to a certain extent(although not condoning it) someone having an affair, being in love and expecting to be with that person ultimately. But I have no such understanding for this kind of situation.

What would happen if you were to be found out?

euronorris

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Me too, bums and breasts Not mens bums, I don't see how anyone can find those attractive.

I don't try to impress any women I meet though, I don't want the hassle of someone looking at me in that way, at the core I am a oversexed, over domineering, manipulative git, I work hard every day to not be so much of that person, someone coming on to me in RL I can do without thankyou.

I am not fussy about who the bum belongs to, which my OH finds hilarious. All shapes and sizes are beautiful IMO!

I don't try to impress any guys, but at the same time, I don't like the idea of them looking at me and thinking 'Oh good God woman, you look awful!' :rotfl:

Wickedkitten

ma_belle wrote: »

Because for the time being, MM is giving me what my partner isn't. We both feel as though we have met the right person at the wrong time which makes things very difficult at times, but he has never made me promises he knows he can't keep.

If your partner isn't giving you what you need, then man up and tell him so he can try to fix it or break up.

Lotus-eater

euronorris wrote: »

I am not fussy about who the bum belongs to, which my OH finds hilarious. All shapes and sizes are beautiful IMO!

I don't try to impress any guys, but at the same time, I don't like the idea of them looking at me and thinking 'Oh good God woman, you look awful!' :rotfl:

It doesn't worry me at all how I am perceived by most people, I'll say what I like and look how I like. One woman I know said to me once, you're looking very hairy today.
I puzzled over that for a minute, then had ask what she meant? Your beard........
I'd grown this huge honking beard and completely forgot about it. That's how much I care about how I look :rotfl:

purpletoenails

superpup wrote: »

If he's such a lovely caring guy, he will have taken time to understand your life and what it entails when he's not around. He invited you knowing full well with your commitments you would be unable to accept.

No, he invited me because he knows that I would love to go there, because I would enjoy the break, and because he would like to spend some proper time with me. He didn't know I wouldn't be able to go, I could feasibly have organised something if the timing had been better.

euronorris wrote: »

You are too close to see it, but he is not this great guy that you believe him to be.

I still think that you are suffering from low self esteem, and need to work on that, because if you weren't you'd a) see his actions for what they are and b) would've called it off at the very start when he failed to call time on his marriage.

But I suspect you won't see that either, because this relationship is continuously damaging to your self esteem and you've built it up to be more than it is in order to maintain the idea that 'it's worth it'.

I don't know if my self esteem was low to start with, but I am aware that it is slowly being eroded, as I am starting to feel that there must be something wrong with me.

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I can understand to a certain extent(although not condoning it) someone having an affair, being in love and expecting to be with that person ultimately. But I have no such understanding for this kind of situation.

What would happen if you were to be found out?

I know this wasn't directed at me, and I can't remember if I've mentioned this conversation before, but basically we were talking one day recently and I asked him what would happen if his wife found out. He said that would be the end of it, and I asked if he meant our relationship, he said no, his marriage. So I asked him if it was worth risking everything for the sake of the limited real time we spend together, and he said yes, it was.

I do find that hard to understand.

Antimony

purpletoenails wrote: »

...basically we were talking one day recently and I asked him what would happen if his wife found out. He said that would be the end of it, and I asked if he meant our relationship, he said no, his marriage. So I asked him if it was worth risking everything for the sake of the limited real time we spend together, and he said yes, it was.

I do find that hard to understand.

This is ambiguous - does he mean if his wife found out then she'd throw him out/end it? OR does he mean it would be the 'excuse'/lever he would need to walk out..?

purpletoenails

Antimony wrote: »

You are the one (mostly) traveling the 200 miles to see him. How is he ''making the time''? All he has to do is make himself available, while, presumably, you are the one spending 4 hours on the motorway. If you were unable to do most of the commuting, would he..? You say it's preferable for you to travel to him as you live in a 'one horse town'...but that's just making an excuse for him - you could meet a few miles from YOUR home.

From my point of view I am quite happy to go there as it means I get more time to spend with him, I have fewer restraints on my time, so the travelling doesn't bother me at all. Yes I could meet a few miles from here, and he would be perfectly happy to drive here, but there's really not a lot to do (v.rural)

If he is allegedly not having an intimate relationship with his wife (indeed, separate rooms), then how long has this been the case..? Because if it started when your relationship began, then surely his wife would be suspicious as to why. I wonder what his kids think of him sleeping apart from their mum - kids aren't stupid.

The separate rooms were already in place quite sometime before I knew him, it has nothing to do with me. No, the children aren't stupid, but if they've been sleeping apart for a while then assumedly they just accept that's how things are.

I also find it a tad arrogant that you believe you know absolutely - because you trust him - what is going on in the marital home hundreds of miles away - yet his wife, who also presumably trusts him (and who has known him twenty years longer, sharing his life on a daily basis) is ignorant of what he does outside that marital home, and doesn't know him as well as you do.

I don't claim to know everything that goes on in his family life, nor do I know that his wife doesn't have any idea what is going on.


FBaby makes a good point (LOADS of good points on here but tried to speed read, lol), about addressing the future - you are rather giving the impression of not wanting to 'push' him, is it because you're afraid of who he will choose? Because if you 100% believed him, you'd be confident in making plans for a future together. Are you bothered? Have you actually envisaged living with him 24/7 and maybe that scares you?

No, it doesn't scare me, but I don't envisage immediately moving in with him anyway



So the original purpose of this thread is just to calculate the odds..?

Yes, I suppose to try and learn from the experiences of others that have been in the same situation.

Re-reading through what I've written, some of it looks a tad harsh, but I don't mean to be.

I thought it was constructive and sensible, rather than harsh.

Lotus-eater

purpletoenails wrote: »

I don't know if my self esteem was low to start with, but I am aware that it is slowly being eroded, as I am starting to feel that there must be something wrong with me.



I know this wasn't directed at me, and I can't remember if I've mentioned this conversation before, but basically we were talking one day recently and I asked him what would happen if his wife found out. He said that would be the end of it, and I asked if he meant our relationship, he said no, his marriage. So I asked him if it was worth risking everything for the sake of the limited real time we spend together, and he said yes, it was.

I do find that hard to understand.

You are assuming that he is telling the truth. In reality, he probably doesn't even know the answer to that one. It's amazing how many men suddenly decide to stay with the wife after they are found out, despite what they may have said to the other woman.

Your self esteem thing is worrying, when this is all over, you are going to look back and do the fist in the mouth bit.

gratefulforhelp_2

Nara wrote: »

Imagine if thousands of years ago people acted the way we do today, i think the human race may well have died out!

Population is growing pretty fast. I'd say.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

at the core I am a oversexed, over domineering, manipulative git, I work hard every day to not be so much of that person,

It's funny but this actually makes you sound really lovely.

Maybe you work in sales?:rotfl:

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

I know this wasn't directed at me, and I can't remember if I've mentioned this conversation before, but basically we were talking one day recently and I asked him what would happen if his wife found out. He said that would be the end of it, and I asked if he meant our relationship, he said no, his marriage. So I asked him if it was worth risking everything for the sake of the limited real time we spend together, and he said yes, it was.

I do find that hard to understand.

Hypothetical questions, as yours was, always get hypotheticial answers, which his was. They carry no meaning whatsoever.