Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

sulkisu

God, is this thread really still going?

MeganKate

mrs_angry wrote: »

the way i look on it is like this........ to get close to someone and end up sleeping with them can and does happen, thats how we end up being with people, to know someone is married and still do that is wrong, but can and does happen, people/humans make mistakes, submit to urges etc.....

BUT to then go back and do it again and again and again is not a mistake!! its a choice, and then it becomes moral, people/humans can and do make choices, people know the difference between right and wrong.

my husband submitted to an urge,( ive had that urge before just had morals and made a choice to not act on it), ok thats the mistake, BUT he then did it again and again and thats where it stopped being a mistake and became a choice!

i took him back, why? because all our situations are different, our marriage was stale, and that was both our faults, he admitted his mistake and i will have to learn to live with the fact he also made the choice to keep on making that mistake!!

i have often thought that it very well could have been me that ended up making that mistake/choice, but im so pleased that my morality prevailed.

morality- the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are good (or right) and those that are bad (or wrong)

affairs are not good and not right they are bad and wrong, the people who choose to enter into an affair whether it be the married person or the mistress have a choice, they also have morals, whether or not they choose to ignore those morals is another thing!

for me morality will always win!:)
fact- my husband had an affair fact- my husband had no morals and fact- he will have to live with that for the rest of his days, nuff said:)

Will you be able to draw a line under it and only look forwards, never backwards?

Because it wont work if you cant. its very early days for you and i completely empathise with your situation, but you do know that it will not be easy for a very long time, if ever?

duchy

mrs_angry wrote: »

the way i look on it is like this........ to get close to someone and end up sleeping with them can and does happen, thats how we end up being with people, to know someone is married and still do that is wrong, but can and does happen, people/humans make mistakes, submit to urges etc.....

BUT to then go back and do it again and again and again is not a mistake!! its a choice, and then it becomes moral, people/humans can and do make choices, people know the difference between right and wrong.

my husband submitted to an urge,( ive had that urge before just had morals and made a choice to not act on it), ok thats the mistake, BUT he then did it again and again and thats where it stopped being a mistake and became a choice!

This I agree with wholehearted.

I knew my husband had made a mistake -He came back from a confrerence and I just KNEW he'd slept with someone else. I'm not the jealous type and had never mistrusted him before but I knew and even guessed who (silly girl in the office who had chased him for months -can you move my grandmother's piano, let me give you a lift to work so your wife can have the car -everyone laughed at her-including him). Silly sod got drunk in Nice and she pounced I discovered from one of his collegues later. However he came home from the conference and I think he had scared himself -he was so attentive-the perfect husband so I kept the knowledge to myself and said nothing until a couple of months later when my radar told me he'd slept with her again. This time I confronted him -as it was a choice not a mistake he'd made this time-and he was flabergasted how much I knew even down to the timing of when she started chasing him again. I chose to end the marriage -I had lost all respect for him-despite the fact he didn't love her. He stayed with her for nearly three years but he never loved her and it was a train wreck-her wanting to buy a house together and him making excuses .She then needed a back operation and this prince hates illness and stayed out of duty making both of them miserable and then started an affair with someone they both worked with-and eventually walked out. He told me cheating a second time was far easier than the first time .

She knew us as a family -knew our son but disregarded all of that for what she wanted "It was just something that happenedthese things do" -I admit I did smile when he left her -so publically for someone she and all their friends knew-it did seem a kind of justice. She was devestated despite the fact he had never told her in three years he loved her (I think he told me on our third date !)

I notice on FB she's now married with a couple of babies -and I have to wonder if she'd be so glib if (when) her husband cheats on her -I suspect her perspective might be a little different.

mrs_angry

MeganKate wrote: »

Will you be able to draw a line under it and only look forwards, never backwards?

Because it wont work if you cant. its very early days for you and i completely empathise with your situation, but you do know that it will not be easy for a very long time, if ever?

its nearly 4 months since i found out, so yes i have a long way to go yet, and some days are hard, some days im filled with jelousy and some days i dont give it a thought.

the way i try to get through it all is by realising i cant change whats happened, it happened and i have to live with that, i did wish for a while that there was a pill i could take to just forget all the hurt but in some ways it did me a favour, i now make time for me, have bought new wardrobe (at the expense of hubby of course;)) and make an effort to look nice, i lost some weight too through the stress not that i was fat but im now more toned, this has made me have a higher self esteem, and as a result my husband now realises that if i so chose to i could boot him out and get on with my life, that i wouldnt be the wreck he imagined i would be, that if I chose i could make a life without him! but the fact is i do love him and he loves me, we have to just look on this as a huge blip.

i was a wreck, had become the boring wife at home, but then i was dealing with everything!!! now im still the wife at home, but im more the woman he married 9 years ago, so i had a good kick up the backside, i suppose a wake up call, and for that im pleased, just wish my wake up call came a different way!! and he has also had a wake up call too by realising he nearly lost everything he loved, and he too is more like the man i married.

i will always look back on this time in my life with many regrets and much sadness, but i know that i must also look forward, if my marriage did fail it wouldnt be the end of my life, although of course sad, and if it works and pulls through this difficult time that will be great.

lessons have been learned by all, but i know at the end of the day i can hold my head up high, i know what he did was wrong, BUT it wasnt MY fault, of course if i could change the past i would and wouldnt that be great if i could, but thats not going to happen and im a great believer in why dwell on things you cant change.

as for moving on and forgiving im sure that will come in time, wish i could see the future too, but unfortuantly i cant, thankyou for your good wishes.;)

POPPYOSCAR

Purpletoenails, if you are around would love to know how you are getting on.

nickyhutch

mrs_angry wrote: »

my husband had an affair fact- my husband had no morals and fact- he will have to live with that for the rest of his days, nuff said:)

Why do you want a relationship woth someone you believe has no morals?

mrs_angry

nickyhutch wrote: »

Why do you want a relationship woth someone you believe has no morals?

hi there,
"had" no morals at the time he began the affair, so used in past tense.

its not a relationship its a marriage, yes i get totally where you are coming from, and staying with a man who has done this to me goes against everything i have ever said and believed, and goes against what society believes as well, society believes we should end the marriage, i should cut my losses, once a cheat always a cheat and so on but if i didnt give my marriage a chance i would always think about the what ifs.

i dont believe in the once a cheat always a cheat, there is no one size fits all, all the scenarios on this thread are different,so many varients, so without hearing both sides of our story its hard to understand.

we have obviously spoken about this at length and my husband agrees he had no morals at that time, not just with the affair but with everything, not sure where it went wrong, think we both just got so caught up in life/kids/work etc we forgot each other, and for some of that i too am to blame. she was there and fulfilled something i wasnt to him, whether it was sex, companionship or laughs,yes he did wrong, very wrong, but surley we all make mistakes in life, im not perfect.

and in life we have to also learn to forgive the mistakes people we love make, sometimes those mistakes hurt us really bad, but without forgiveness comes bitterness and to live life bitter and twisted because of the mistakes of others is just not the way i am.

at the moment we are doing well, we have found our love with each other again, he was never "in love" with her and when im feeling down i have to just remember that fact, what does she have now?, nothing what do i have? i have my loving marriage back its going to be a long hard rocky road im sure, and i cant see into the future to know whether i made the right decision, so only time will tell, hope that helps to answer your question.:)

nickyhutch

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I'm afraid I can't agree with you on the morals thing. Morals/values, are, I think, something that are the very basis of our beliefs about how we behave and how we see other people. They aren't something we can switch on and off. If he has no morals where cheating is concerned, he has no morals where cheating is concened, full stop.

I don't think you can say "she has no morals" as an all-encompassing judgement of someone's character. He or she might have none where relationships/cheating are concerned, but have them in other areas of life.

I'm certainly no believer in "once a cheat, always a cheat", though (although that might not make sense!). If someone can cheat, there is always the possibility that they could cheat again, but I think it would depend on the same or similar circumstances (e.g. unhappy at home/lack of affection or sex) arising again.

I genuinely hope you can work through your problems, having said all that.

mrs_angry

nickyhutch wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I'm afraid I can't agree with you on the morals thing. Morals/values, are, I think, something that are the very basis of our beliefs about how we behave and how we see other people. They aren't something we can switch on and off. If he has no morals where cheating is concerned, he has no morals where cheating is concened, full stop.

I don't think you can say "she has no morals" as an all-encompassing judgement of someone's character. He or she might have none where relationships/cheating are concerned, but have them in other areas of life.

I'm certainly no believer in "once a cheat, always a cheat", though (although that might not make sense!). If someone can cheat, there is always the possibility that they could cheat again, but I think it would depend on the same or similar circumstances (e.g. unhappy at home/lack of affection or sex) arising again.

I genuinely hope you can work through your problems, having said all that.

yes i see what you are saying, suppose i worded it wrongly, i should have said he had morals, but chose to ignore them on that occasion, or maybe he just didnt have any morals where what he was doing was concerned, only he has the answer to that question.

but what matters is he realises that what he did was wrong, so i suppose he must have some morality somewhere, well at least i hope so;)

POPPYOSCAR

sulkisu wrote: »

God, is this thread really still going?

Whilst people continue to have affairs, this thread will keep going I expect!!