Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

superpup

purpletoenails wrote: »

Because I have my own responsibilities here, I can't just up and gallivant off at the drop of a hat.



I kind of wish I hadn't mentioned it now! Honestly, anything I say is twisted and turned to fit with what everyone thinks of him, and seems to be treated with disdain or disbelief.

If he's such a lovely caring guy, he will have taken time to understand your life and what it entails when he's not around. He invited you knowing full well with your commitments you would be unable to accept.

euronorris

purpletoenails wrote: »

I kind of wish I hadn't mentioned it now! Honestly, anything I say is twisted and turned to fit with what everyone thinks of him, and seems to be treated with disdain or disbelief.

You are too close to see it, but he is not this great guy that you believe him to be.

I still think that you are suffering from low self esteem, and need to work on that, because if you weren't you'd a) see his actions for what they are and b) would've called it off at the very start when he failed to call time on his marriage.

But I suspect you won't see that either, because this relationship is continuously damaging to your self esteem and you've built it up to be more than it is in order to maintain the idea that 'it's worth it'.

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

No I'm not envious of his lifestyle, I'm quite satisfied with my own and on the whole live a happy and content life.



Because I have my own responsibilities here, I can't just up and gallivant off at the drop of a hat.

If you know each other as well as you say you do, he would know that and made the offer in the full knowledge that you wouldn't accept it.

I kind of wish I hadn't mentioned it now! Honestly, anything I say is twisted and turned to fit with what everyone thinks of him, and seems to be treated with disdain or disbelief

I twisted nothing. Any man, or woman, who has a few days away with their bit on the side is being sleazy, tacky and squalid.
.

Why would you be envious of his lifetstyle, you have no idea what it's like.

ma_belle_2

Hi OP. I've been following your story with interest as I am in a very similar situation to yourself, the difference being that I am in a long term relationship. I want to leave my bf as I have been unhappy for a long time, but practical reasons are making this very hard at the moment (plus he is refusing to leave).
I understand what you are going through but you need to understand that your MM is only with you for one of three reasons: boredom, unhappiness at home or to boost his ego (or a combination of these). Like you, I believe my MM when he tells me he loves me but I have accepted that he will never leave his wife and children, and I would never ask him to.
I encourage you to have a look at this forum and maybe post your story there:
www dot loveshack dot org/forums/f57/
It may help you to come to a decision, and if you decide on NC then you will get the support you need to stick with it.
Other posters may also want to read it if they are struggling to understand where PTN is coming from and why her posts appear to contradict themselves on occasion :-)
Take care OP and feel free to pm me if need be x

POPPYOSCAR

[QUOTE=Person_one;47613267]His wife is sure he isn't seeing anybody else...

His mistress is sure he's only seeing her and his wife...

He's off on a trip without either of them.

How can there be any semblance of trust in this setup?

I gave up on this thread ages ago but it keeps popping back up so I've been tempted back in! Basically, nothing has changed for PTN except a lot of handwringing and justifications. It might be a record for the longest thread of no importance whatsoever.[/QUOTE]


And you know this how?

I would ask if you have been looking into your crystal ball but I know you do not believe in such things!!

POPPYOSCAR

ma_belle wrote: »

Hi OP. I've been following your story with interest as I am in a very similar situation to yourself, the difference being that I am in a long term relationship. I want to leave my bf as I have been unhappy for a long time, but practical reasons are making this very hard at the moment (plus he is refusing to leave).
I understand what you are going through but you need to understand that your MM is only with you for one of three reasons: boredom, unhappiness at home or to boost his ego (or a combination of these). Like you, I believe my MM when he tells me he loves me but I have accepted that he will never leave his wife and children, and I would never ask him to.
I encourage you to have a look at this forum and maybe post your story there:
www dot loveshack dot org/forums/f57/
It may help you to come to a decision, and if you decide on NC then you will get the support you need to stick with it.
Other posters may also want to read it if they are struggling to understand where PTN is coming from and why her posts appear to contradict themselves on occasion :-)
Take care OP and feel free to pm me if need be x

Now this I do not understand. Why would you continue with a relationship when you know for certain it has no future?

immoral_angeluk

This thread reminds me of the book 'He's just not that into you'

"If You’re Not Able to Love Freely, It’s Not Really Love

This is going to be controversial, but I am going to say it anyway. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Sure, they may feel powerful, deep, mythic in scope and proportion. You may “never ever have felt this way before.” But who cares? If the person you “love” (notice the snotty quotation marks around that) cannot freely spend his days thinking about you and being with you, it’s not real love.


The “But His Wife Is Such a !!!!!” Excuse

Dear Greg,

I’m dating my married boss. We’ve kept it on the down-low so no one will find out about it. I really, really love him, and he loves me. I know it’s wrong to date a married man, but his wife is so awful to him. She calls him names and tells him that he’s stupid. They never have sex. He
tells me that I’m the only thing keeping him going. How can I leave him when he’s going through such a hard time and I love him so much?



Blaire


Hey, Down-Low,

Really? We’re having this conversation? I’m really going to have to explain to you why you shouldn’t be dating a married man? Well, okay: Here is the lowdown on your boss. He’s married and having an affair, which indicates to me so many things. First, he’s okay with being dishonest. (Nice.) Second, he’s fine with cheating on his wife. (Super.) Third, he has no regard for his marriage. (What a gem.) Fourth and most specifically to you, he has no real regard for you, because what you’re getting from him is scraps—stolen time that’s cloaked in shame. (Just what you always dreamed of as a girl, right?) And because this is a workplace affair, who do you think will be asked to leave when the romance goes sour or becomes watercooler fodder that threatens his job and/or marriage? You. And whose reputation as a serious business-person will be compromised? Did you guess you? Good girl. Regardless of how much his marriage sucks or how awful his wife is to him, it obviously isn’t that bad or he would get out of it. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud.


I know things seem a lot easier when your affair is with a man whose wife is an evil, shrieking, insulting hag. No matter what their relationship or circumstances are, you are still helping a man cheat on his wife.

Let’s agree you’re better than that.


Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You

clearingout

euronorris wrote: »

You are too close to see it, but he is not this great guy that you believe him to be.

I still think that you are suffering from low self esteem, and need to work on that, because if you weren't you'd a) see his actions for what they are and b) would've called it off at the very start when he failed to call time on his marriage.

But I suspect you won't see that either, because this relationship is continuously damaging to your self esteem and you've built it up to be more than it is in order to maintain the idea that 'it's worth it'.

yep! the self esteem is the issue. My ex had me in a rut of low self esteem for years. I am far better than I was but it's taken time and I'm not there yet. The 'other woman' has far lower self esteem than I do, I can see that. It's so very deep-rooted - it's not about whether you're over weight, or not having new clothes or make-up, or a good job or being valued in the workplace, by your friends, family or children....it's sooo....I struggle to find the words. But men like my ex get to your very core and you believe in them and what they are and who they are and what your joint life is like...but it isn't like that in reality only you never really see it. They are outwardly kind to you but still seem to eat away at you from the inside..my ex had a horrible, horrible habit of saying 'oh! didn't you know that?' in the most innocuous, throw away kind of way yet with the benefit of hindsight it was this that 'got me'.

It's a throw away put you down, not the kind of put me down by those men who tell you you're disgusting and stupid and horrible and no man would ever want you so it's OK to slap you around....it's far,far more subtle. It makes you believe you are free, that you can do what you want, when you want but actually my ex was suffocating and angry and always on my back. Again, not horribly, not locking me in the house, not demanding to know where I was going, but just by the raised eyebrow at the 'right' moment, the one too many phone calls in the day which instead of saying 'I can't live without you, I need to speak to you several times a day!' actually says 'I'm just checking on where you're at and what time you're going to be back in the house...' only not in that obvious, overt way.

It's 'love', but in a way that twists and turns you into making excuses, into justifying your every move and makes you love the other person very deeply cos you feel safe and secure. But you're not - you're forever scratching around for justifications for their behaviour, making sure you're home on time, feeling that little bit uncomfortable about the comment that was just made but no really understanding why.

It feels like nothing at all, like I'm making a fuss about nothing. But that's how clever it is, how subtle. It's abuse almost by proxy, by the back door, and when you give in to it and are genuinely miserable they pounce and say 'see, I told you you were useless so I'm off to find someone better than you'. It's psychological bullying, it smacks of low self esteem in the perpetrator, the need to be one over on you all the time, to control you quietly, to manipulate you and have you worship the ground they walk on whilst they are quietly living several other lives on the side.

Oh I don't know. I'm biased :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Person_one

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

And you know this how?

I would ask if you have been looking into your crystal ball but I know you do not believe in such things!!

That's the most likely scenario.

Even if she does suspect though the point stands. He's lying to one woman he claims to love about the existence of another, how on earth can we believe he always tells the truth to the other?

Liars lie.

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

I still think that you are suffering from low self esteem.

I believe that too, (and not just of PTN ). I DO believe her when she says she thinks her self esteem is ok, but I believe that she is making destructive choices for herself, seeking to justify in slightly awkward ways at times, and certainly the type of thing she is trying to see as ''enough'' suggests under the surface bubbles of lack of self respect and I think that's also evidenced by the way she is prepared to disrespect the wife and say its none of her concern...the absence of accepting responisbility for failing to resepct another is much the same as the absense of accepting she is failing to respect herself.

However, that's not to say I think she's evil...I don't. And I think this is a huge issue for MOST women in factr, maybe most people..in most sorts of relationships that are having ''issues''.