Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Bitsy_Beans

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Whilst I agree some people do not take them seriously enough, I also do not think you should stay in a bad relationship just because you are married.

Life is for living not just existing.

I believe in my marriage vows but I don't believe they should forsake personal happiness. However my relationship like many has had it's ups and downs. Here my vows came into play. I could have chucked in the towel, given up but the vows I made reminded me of what I had promised my H. and that has been the glue for want of a better word that made me want to stick at things. If the relationship was jot salvageable after both parties making the effort then I consider it time to call it quits. I don't see vows a reason to stay in an abusive relationship or indeed one that cannot be saved.

PTN can I just say in your last post what jumped out at me was you said about not hanging around as it's jot fair to anyone. Surely hanging around, waiting for him to decide is not fair on YOU. Isn't it about time you decided to put your needs at the top of the agenda rather than his?? Whilst I dont condone affairs I do believe everyone has the right to a healthy and happy relationship. you sure ain't gettin' one this way hanging in limbo.

MrsAtobe

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Sorry to hear what you went through.

My parents had blazing rows and my dad led a dogs life, but they did not divorce - I only wish they had.

Thank you, but it sounds kike you suffered more than me, at least I had an ending to the rows. As for the rest of my life, as one of my friends put it, it would make a good storyline for Eastenders, except no-one would believe it.

victory

PTN you are stopping him from having an incentive to progress/better his marriage as you say, he is stopping you from having him totally by your side and his wife is stopping all of you from being together, oh and the kids are stopping everyone from making any advancements.

Game of chess anyone?

POPPYOSCAR

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Thank you, but it sounds kike you suffered more than me, at least I had an ending to the rows. As for the rest of my life, as one of my friends put it, it would make a good storyline for Eastenders, except no-one would believe it.

Like they say 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and this has definitely been the case for me:)

neverdespairgirl

victory wrote: »

I can't honestly see the point in staying within a relationship that has had an affair if all you are going to do is not trust, bring it up at every argument, check his wallet, check his phone, go to his work to see if he is actually there, ask him all the time when is he going to be home, keep tabs on him, that will drive anyone insane and is not healthy

I couldn't live like that anyway - I have no intention of playing policewoman in my own home!

I generally don't touch OH's wallet, phone etc, but if it was necessary, I would, and I'm sure he wouldn't mind. But privacy and trust is essential, I reckon.

gratefulforhelp_2

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I would also say my way of thinking has changed as I have got older.
I used to put my children first all the time but now they are older I am beginning to consider myself a little more.

I think that's natural, I expect I will feel the same when my littlies are bigger.

Also - and this isn't aimed at you, but general, in my job I've seen so much fall out from divorce. It really puts a different slant on it, seeing the state kids can end up in - even with relatively amicable parents.

MrsAtobe wrote: »

My parents divorced when I was 7, and all I can really remember of that time is the blazing rows waking me up, and having to move out of the home I grew up in ( my mother's solicitor was going through a nervous breakdown at the time, and didn't act well on behalf of my mother), we should never have had to leave that house.

I think hearing the rows did me more damage than anything else, I will now back down from confrontations, even if I am in the right., which means I've been a bit of a doormat for most of my life. I also find it difficult to express my feelings in a positive way, even though Mr A is helping with this.

Sorry to hear that. I think if DH and I got to that stage, there wouldn't be shouting and screaming.

[QUOTE=Bubby;47555049
I would stay if I was unhappy or had just fallen out of love because I believe that is something that can always be found again if you work at it. If there are children involved then that would be the added incentive to get past any upset. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule such as forgiving an affair or domestic violence.[/QUOTE]

This nails it for me :T

Lunar_Eclipse

purpletoenails wrote: »

No it's not my place to do that either.

Your post said to tell his wife, and I'm not doing that, ever.

I don't want to force him to do anything, he has to make a decision, in his own time, and if during that time I decide to call it quits, then that will be the end of it anyway.

I can't believe we're going over and over the same things. It looks like you are never going to see this situation from anyone else's viewpoint and do the right thing.

I like the fact that you are not going to tell his wife, nor force an ultimatum. However, without knowing exactly what happened but relying on you having posted the truth, I believe you have already called it quits and ended the relationship. In allowing him back in to your life so quickly, you have unfortunately severely weakened your hope in ever getting him to leave his wife and family, in my opinion.

Having said all of that, I really want the wife to find out about the affair. Unless she already knows, which I doubt because I think he would have told you, if he were my husband (and I appreciate we are all different), I wouldn't want to waste another second of my life with him in it. There are very few people who would stay married to someone they couldn't trust just for a nice expensive house, annual holidays, private schooling and everything else. Money can't buy the important aspects of a happy life.

What I really want to know, after following your story for so long, is why you want him in your life? They say love is blind and I could accept your love for him IF (and only if) you seemed to acknowledge that he might not end up being such a good catch afterall. I mean who wants to be, or do you admit that you really can't help yourself at all (and if so, why?), romantically involved with a liar? I just don't get it, particularly given how infrequently you meet. I honestly don't believe either of you are 'life or death important' to the other. So what's the point?

Lunar_Eclipse

purpletoenails wrote: »

And you're right, I'm not 100% sure he would leave. But if he wants to leave then he will, if he doesnt then he won't.

I actually suspect you think the chances that he will stay, and not leave, are close to 100%

Marisco

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

There are very few people who would stay married to someone they couldn't trust just for a nice expensive house, annual holidays, private schooling and everything else.

You'd be surprised how many would!!!! A work colleague of my ex led a dog's life, when his wife found out he'd had an affair! We all expected her to throw him out, but she didn't, for the reasons above! How he put up with it is beyond me, she used to phone work, go with him everywhere - and I mean everywhere! I know we are all different, but I couldn't live like she did, she must have been in a constant state of paranoia! And he wouldn't have gone, it would have cost him too much, so I suppose he deserved all he got! But what a life, and I use the word "life" loosely!!!!

My ex had an affair, told me(only 'cos his wife's ex threaten to tell me if he didn't) and left! He eventually married her. But there is no way I would have been able to continue to live with him. I also had an affair (after ex had left) he eventually left his ex, and we have been happily living together for nearly 18 years, and known him for 20! So yes, affairs can have happy endings. But like all life, it's "hit and miss" and does take time for things to calm down. Every circumstance is different, and no one can foretell the future, if anyone would have told me 12 months before the split, of the situation I'd have found myself in 12 months later, I'd have accused them of being on the "waccy baccy" !!!:D

Pollycat

Marisco wrote: »

I also had an affair (after ex had left) he eventually left his ex, and we have been happily living together for nearly 18 years, and known him for 20! So yes, affairs can have happy endings. But like all life, it's "hit and miss" and does take time for things to calm down. Every circumstance is different, and no one can foretell the future, if anyone would have told me 12 months before the split, of the situation I'd have found myself in 12 months later, I'd have accused them of being on the "waccy baccy" !!!:D

Sure, a happy ending for you and your now OH - but what about your now OH's partner at the time of your affair?

Was she happy at the time?

Is she happy now?

In an affair, there's not just 2 people affected, there's the partner or partners of the people having an affair who happiness needs to be considered too.