Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

gratefulforhelp_2

Pollycat wrote: »

Sure, a happy ending for you and your now OH - but what about your now OH's partner at the time of your affair?

Was she happy at the time?

Is she happy now?

In an affair, there's not just 2 people affected, there's the partner or partners of the people having an affair who happiness needs to be considered too.

And the children.

Lunar_Eclipse

Marisco wrote: »

You'd be surprised how many would!!!! A work colleague of my ex led a dog's life, when his wife found out he'd had an affair! /QUOTE]

Probably, but I doubt so many well off people do. Where income and asset levels are high and thus both parties could have a reasonable standard of living (ie can afford two reasonable homes), I think the tendancy is less to 'put up with' things life this. In many cases, people feel forced to stay together, because they know one party would basically become homeless, which I doubt is the situation here.

So if I was in this situation we are discussing, as 'the wife' here, I would definitely throw my darling husband packing and not hesitate in taking him to the cleaners financially for being such an idiot. I think that could well be a significant factor in him staying; it wouldn't be pleasant to have an (ex) wife take half of everything you might feel you've worked for (financially speaking; I'm a woman so I know who's got it hardest in most households!) including one's pension which could be significant given my assumptions (based on what PTN's has said) about the man's age and possible income in this scenario.

Lotus-eater

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I can't believe we're going over and over the same things again and again. It looks like you are never going to see this situation from anyone else's viewpoint and do the right thing.

I like the fact that you are not going to tell his wife, nor force an ultimatum. However, without knowing exactly what happened but relying on you having posted the truth, I believe you have already called it quits and ended the relationship. In allowing him back in to your life so quickly, you have unfortunately severely weakened your hope in ever getting him to leave his wife and family, in my opinion.

This ^

I've come to the conclusion that PTN's isn't quite as intelligent as I first thought. I know about being in love and blind, but this is ridiculous.

But she's not telling us her plans, maybe she's thinking of ending it today. She'd go up in my estimation if she did. But I don't think she is.

FatVonD

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

However, without knowing exactly what happened but relying on you having posted the truth, I believe you have already called it quits and ended the relationship. In allowing him back in to your life so quickly, you have unfortunately severely weakened your hope in ever getting him to leave his wife and family, in my opinion.

PTN has never posted any details surrounding why she ended the relationship but I personally don't think it was because she knew it was the right thing to do. I could be wrong but she might possibly have been within touching distance of getting what she wants so I believe the only thing that would have made her end it at that......... I agree that by taking him back she now has less chance of him leaving than she did before.

Sorry, got disturbed mid post, will add the rest later!

Marisco

Pollycat wrote: »

Sure, a happy ending for you and your now OH - but what about your now OH's partner at the time of your affair?

Was she happy at the time?

Is she happy now?

In an affair, there's not just 2 people affected, there's the partner or partners of the people having an affair who happiness needs to be considered too.

The original question was "can an affair have a happy ending" and I'm saying yes, it can. Of course his wife wasn't very happy, but they hadn't been happy for years, any more than I was when I found out my ex had an affair, but we hadn't been happy for years either. I don't think anyone can break up a happy marriage, there have to be problems there to begin with. People deal with problems in different ways, and sometimes there are no solutions to problems, no matter how hard you try.

But you have to move on, and as far as I'm aware oh's ex is happy, she's been married for 10 years!! The kids have a very good relationship with their dad, despite their mothers' behaviour for years after. He never gave up trying (and mostly succeeding) in having access, despite her appalling behaviour. How they have turned out so well, is a minor miracle considering the loony tunes they have as a mother. (Not caused by the split btw, she was like that before!!)

I don't think anyone can condemn anyone according to their own "code of conduct", we're all different and will behave differently in any given situation. I try not to be judgemental as no one on the boards knows anyones' circumstances fully. No one knows what they would do, we can pontificate till the cows come home, and say "I'd never do that", but you don't know until you are in a situation, what you would do. Never say never!!:D

gratefulforhelp_2

Can I just juxtapose a couple of your sentences?

Marisco wrote: »

How they have turned out so well, is a minor miracle considering the loony tunes they have as a mother. (Not caused by the split btw, she was like that before!!)

I try not to be judgemental as no one on the boards knows anyones' circumstances fully.

This is a less than kind way to describe someone your partner presumably once loved.

If she was like that before, one wonders why he had kids with her.

Pollycat

Marisco wrote: »

The original question was "can an affair have a happy ending" and I'm saying yes, it can. Of course his wife wasn't very happy, but they hadn't been happy for years, any more than I was when I found out my ex had an affair, but we hadn't been happy for years either. I don't think anyone can break up a happy marriage, there have to be problems there to begin with. People deal with problems in different ways, and sometimes there are no solutions to problems, no matter how hard you try.

But you have to move on, and as far as I'm aware oh's ex is happy, she's been married for 10 years!! The kids have a very good relationship with their dad, despite their mothers' behaviour for years after. He never gave up trying (and mostly succeeding) in having access, despite her appalling behaviour. How they have turned out so well, is a minor miracle considering the loony tunes they have as a mother. (Not caused by the split btw, she was like that before!!)

I don't think anyone can condemn anyone according to their own "code of conduct", we're all different and will behave differently in any given situation. I try not to be judgemental as no one on the boards knows anyones' circumstances fully. No one knows what they would do, we can pontificate till the cows come home, and say "I'd never do that", but you don't know until you are in a situation, what you would do. Never say never!!:D

You seem to have missed my point.

You said in your earlier post #3455:

Marisco wrote: »

So yes, affairs can have happy endings.

but obviously not for your now OH's wife at the time - so not a happy ending all round (regardless of how things have turned out 10 years later).

I'm not being judgemental, just pointing out your lack of consideration for your now OH's wife at the time you chose to have an affair with him.

POPPYOSCAR

Marisco wrote: »

The original question was "can an affair have a happy ending" and I'm saying yes, it can. Of course his wife wasn't very happy, but they hadn't been happy for years, any more than I was when I found out my ex had an affair, but we hadn't been happy for years either. I don't think anyone can break up a happy marriage, there have to be problems there to begin with. People deal with problems in different ways, and sometimes there are no solutions to problems, no matter how hard you try.

But you have to move on, and as far as I'm aware oh's ex is happy, she's been married for 10 years!! The kids have a very good relationship with their dad, despite their mothers' behaviour for years after. He never gave up trying (and mostly succeeding) in having access, despite her appalling behaviour. How they have turned out so well, is a minor miracle considering the loony tunes they have as a mother. (Not caused by the split btw, she was like that before!!)

I don't think anyone can condemn anyone according to their own "code of conduct", we're all different and will behave differently in any given situation. I try not to be judgemental as no one on the boards knows anyones' circumstances fully. No one knows what they would do, we can pontificate till the cows come home, and say "I'd never do that", but you don't know until you are in a situation, what you would do. Never say never!!:D

I had one of those!!!

Yes we children can turn out all right(well I like to think so!)

gratefulforhelp_2

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I had one of those!!!

It's one thing an adult child saying their mum was bonkers...you kind of have the right...but quite another the OW saying it.

POPPYOSCAR

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Can I just juxtapose a couple of your sentences?



This is a less than kind way to describe someone your partner presumably once loved.

If she was like that before, one wonders why he had kids with her.

I do not see the problem. Presumably this is not being said direct to the ex or the children, it is being said on an anonymous internet forum.

Possibly had kids for the reason my parents did? Roman Catholic- did not use contraception ,as against the church, and as the bible says 'go forth and multiply'!