Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

nickyhutch

Errata wrote: »

Something that could be applied to PTN's relationship: if it's not ok for her to sleep with other men, it's not ok for the married bloke she's having a relationship with to do so.

Is that the case, though? Has he said that to PTN?

When I was seeing my OH while he was married, he was under no illusion that I felt I had to be "faithful" to him.

victory

nickyhutch wrote: »

Is that the case, though? Has he said that to PTN?

When I was seeing my OH while he was married, he was under no illusion that I felt I had to be "faithful" to him.

And were you faithful?

lostinrates

nickyhutch wrote: »

Is that the case, though? Has he said that to PTN?

When I was seeing my OH while he was married, he was under no illusion that I felt I had to be "faithful" to him.

IIRC its PTN herself who feels emotionally unavailable to others and thus hasn't seen other people (and one of the reasons, in this context I think she has low worth...because if she feels thats right for her to do to another she should expect it from a partner in return)

euronorris

balletshoes wrote: »

yep, I understand that - but the next bit, walking her home? Thats a decision made right there, thats not going with the flow, surely?

I think that depends on the circumstances. If OH had just gone out for an evening with friends, and among them was a female who was intending to head home alone after 10pm, and it was either a) close to our place, or b) only 5 mins or so out of his way, I would expect him to walk her home to ensure her safety. And I know he would. Otherwise, I'd expect him to call me and ask if it was OK for her to kip on the couch for the evening if she didn't have the money for a taxi.

Of course, I wouldn't expect anything else to happen at that point, but you can't guarantee that. But, I wouldn't want him to lose that caring part of him.

nickyhutch

victory wrote: »

And were you faithful?

How's that relevant (or are you just being nosy ).

I wasn't initially, but was in the last few months of our affair.

victory

nickyhutch wrote: »

How's that relevant (or are you just being nosy ).

I wasn't initially, but was in the last few months of our affair.

It is relevant because of what you have previously said, what is good for the goose and all that:D

lostinrates

balletshoes wrote: »

yep, I understand that - but the next bit, walking her home? Thats a decision made right there, thats not going with the flow, surely?

I believe in equality within a relationship in circumstances like these - ie if its not okay for me to do it (in my OH's opinion) then its not okay for him to do it either. Thats always been my stand, and I really think it always will be.

I would imagine dh would walk someone home, in many situations and not for lethario purposes.

victory

I am not sure that OH would walk someone home or whether I would want him to, if the lady had arrived at the pub for eg she would have an idea how to get home, ie taxi, a friend, the bus that type of thing, not sure would want OH to involve himself in the ladies 'getting home' situation

EthelBloggs

Pollycat wrote: »

Ethel

Are you and your OH in a financial/family position that your OH could actually afford to move out for a while?

If not, I can see why he may be 'clinging on', even though it's his fault that you feel you need space.

It sounds to me like he really regrets the affair - unless he just doesn't want to lose his cosy home life.

Did you have low self-esteem/trust issues before the affair or is it just since?

Posts like yours pop up every now and again on this thread and, amidst all the joking, banter and back-biting, ir really drives home the damage that affairs can do.

Yes, he could go back to his parents and he's got friends who've offered spare rooms too.

I don't know if he regrets the affair.. I think he misses all the attention he got from her, at the time I had just come out of a four week stay in hospital, Christmas etc came and went and I was just not up to par.. cue an assistant in his job taking ciggie breaks etc at the same time as him and so one thing led to another.

Never been insecure or lacking in confidence before, apart from the odd bad hair day which everyone gets but once he was caught, he had to find a way to justify his behaviour so he tried to make it my fault. I basically got the ultimate character assassination and abusive messages and phone calls from ow didn't help either. I think part of what damaged me is the insults and abuse, although he's apologised and said he didn't mean it, he said it which means it must be in the back of his mind at least and it can't be unsaid.

Also, I doubt myself because for a long time I believed the lies and excuses of why he was staying out late, not coming home etc. So now I don't trust my own judgement.

I didn't really have an opinion about infidelity until it happened to me, and now I can honestly say it's more hurtful than bereavement. I'm prepared to be flamed for that opinion but in my experience it's true.

candygirl

EthelBloggs wrote: »

Yes, he could go back to his parents and he's got friends who've offered spare rooms too.

I don't know if he regrets the affair.. I think he misses all the attention he got from her, at the time I had just come out of a four week stay in hospital, Christmas etc came and went and I was just not up to par.. cue an assistant in his job taking ciggie breaks etc at the same time as him and so one thing led to another.

Never been insecure or lacking in confidence before, apart from the odd bad hair day which everyone gets but once he was caught, he had to find a way to justify his behaviour so he tried to make it my fault. I basically got the ultimate character assassination and abusive messages and phone calls from ow didn't help either. I think part of what damaged me is the insults and abuse, although he's apologised and said he didn't mean it, he said it which means it must be in the back of his mind at least and it can't be unsaid.

Also, I doubt myself because for a long time I believed the lies and excuses of why he was staying out late, not coming home etc. So now I don't trust my own judgement.

I didn't really have an opinion about infidelity until it happened to me, and now I can honestly say it's more hurtful than bereavement. I'm prepared to be flamed for that opinion but in my experience it's true.

What a !!!!!:mad::mad::mad:You are in no way to blame:mad::mad:My ex treated me like sh*t after I had a major op, and when I recovered he was shown the door:mad::mad::mad::mad: