Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

neverdespairgirl

Pollycat wrote: »

Sure, having a one-night-stand (often a drunken one) is cheating but not, not, not on the scale of a full blown affair.

Candygirl has stated her position on one-night-stands but I'm with the other posters who feel that it would be easier (although bloody damn hard) to forgive than an affair.

I sort of agree with both you and Candy. Yes, a full-blown affair is a lot worse, in that involves on-going and calculated deceit and betrayal.

But I'm still not sure I could forgive OH for a one-night stand, either. I hope not to be in a position where I have to decide that!

neverdespairgirl

Joolee wrote: »

The reason I held on in hope was becasue after 3 months he said he wanted to be with me. If, after 2 yrs the subject hadnt been brought up by him i dont think i would have been able to hang on...

so he decided after 3 months to leave his wife, and took another 21 months to get round to it? What a prize you've won!

neverdespairgirl

balletshoes wrote: »

yep, I understand that - but the next bit, walking her home? Thats a decision made right there, thats not going with the flow, surely?

I believe in equality within a relationship in circumstances like these - ie if its not okay for me to do it (in my OH's opinion) then its not okay for him to do it either. Thats always been my stand, and I really think it always will be.

My idea has always been that if I was on a DVD and OH watching, nothing I did would upset him. Bore him, quite probably. Bemuse him, certainly. But not upset him.

Lotus-eater

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

My idea has always been that if I was on a DVD and OH watching, nothing I did would upset him. Bore him, quite probably. Bemuse him, certainly. But not upset him.

Umm, are you serious?

You are talking about a sex DVD right?

So your OH would watch and not be bothered? Seems a little odd.

plumpmouse

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Umm, are you serious?

You are talking about a sex DVD right?

So your OH would watch and not be bothered? Seems a little odd.

I read it to mean if a DVD of a night out was taken then her actions on it should not upset her OH.

Don't think she was meaning a sex tape!

Lotus-eater

plumpmouse wrote: »

I read it to mean if a DVD of a night out was taken then her actions on it should not upset her OH.

Don't think she was meaning a sex tape!

So if she was flirting with someone else on a night out on a DVD, her OH wouldn't be bothered?

Still seems odd.

plumpmouse

Lotus-eater wrote: »

So if she was flirting with someone else on a night out on a DVD, her OH wouldn't be bothered?

Still seems odd.

No I think that was the point, that her actions on the night out shouldn't upset her OH. I don't think she was meaning she goes out flirting. I think it was meaning whatever she does he should be happy to watch.

I may of course be wrong as it is my interpretation of what she has written.

Pollycat

EthelBloggs wrote: »

Yes, he could go back to his parents and he's got friends who've offered spare rooms too.

I don't know if he regrets the affair.. I think he misses all the attention he got from her, at the time I had just come out of a four week stay in hospital, Christmas etc came and went and I was just not up to par.. cue an assistant in his job taking ciggie breaks etc at the same time as him and so one thing led to another.

Never been insecure or lacking in confidence before, apart from the odd bad hair day which everyone gets but once he was caught, he had to find a way to justify his behaviour so he tried to make it my fault. I basically got the ultimate character assassination and abusive messages and phone calls from ow didn't help either. I think part of what damaged me is the insults and abuse, although he's apologised and said he didn't mean it, he said it which means it must be in the back of his mind at least and it can't be unsaid.

Also, I doubt myself because for a long time I believed the lies and excuses of why he was staying out late, not coming home etc. So now I don't trust my own judgement.

I didn't really have an opinion about infidelity until it happened to me, and now I can honestly say it's more hurtful than bereavement. I'm prepared to be flamed for that opinion but in my experience it's true.

Ethel
have you had any counselling to talk through how your OH made you feel?

If you can manage to get your GP to sort that out, it might be cathartic for you.

I had a few sessions (nothing to do with infidelity) and all I did was sob through the first one.

But the Counsellor enable me to see things how they really were and once I'd done that I actually confronted the 4 or 5 people who'd hurt me and told them exactly in what way they'd hurt me.
3 were family members and it cleared the air, although it did make them all feel really bad.

Do try.

Your OH put the blame onto you because of his guilt.
He may or may not have really meant the things he said.
But he said them to hurt you because he'd been found out in his lies.

Of course you believed him - you had no reason not to.
Don't feel your judgement is lacking because you believed and trusted him.
You had no reason to think he was having an affair.

Of course I don't know you, but it sounds to me like you really do need some time on your own.

Take care

gratefulforhelp_2

That was how I interpreted it, plumpmouse. She's talking about being beyond reproach if he was a fly on the wall.

Lotus-eater

plumpmouse wrote: »

No I think that was the point, that her actions on the night out shouldn't upset her OH. I don't think she was meaning she goes out flirting. I think it was meaning whatever she does he should be happy to watch.

I may of course be wrong as it is my interpretation of what she has written.

Well I thought that was sort of what I wrote and I still don't understand it.
How is showing someone something on a DVD any different to watching it in real life. You still know they've done it.

I think we have to wait for NDG to get an explanation.