Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

victory

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

A person who decides to go with the flow kind of absolves themself of responsibility for their actions.

But where is the decison? It was not premeditated because when you first went out you had not made a decision how many pints to have, maybe which pub to go to, when you got there you didn't know she/he was going to be there as did not pre arranged to meet, while you were there talking you didn't make the decision to be there for x amount of time and on the evening goes...

Pollycat

victory wrote: »

Yes I can see that but there are extenuating circumstances for that one decision, I am not sure that someone goes out from their marital home and decides before he gets to the pub that he is going to pick up a girl and have a one night stand with her, I am not sure a one night stand is as calculated and cold as a full blown affair.

I'm 100% sure that a one-night-stand is nowhere near as cold and calculating as a full blown affair.

An affair involves sneaking around, making clandestine arrangements to meet another person behind your partner's back.

It involves lying to your partner about where you're going, lying to them about where you've been.

It involves sleeping with your partner knowing that you are maybe infecting them with STDs.

It involves deciding to possibly subject your partner to immense heartbreak and mental stress (just read the posts by pixiedean, EthelBloggs and Denton6 to see just how devasting an affair has been to them) and possibly breaking your family up and subjecting your children to a lowering of the lifestyle they may currently be enjoying.
It may involve affacting your child's happiness, well-being and maybe even their long-term education (obviously depending on the circumstances and timing of the affair).

Sure, having a one-night-stand (often a drunken one) is cheating but not, not, not on the scale of a full blown affair.

Candygirl has stated her position on one-night-stands but I'm with the other posters who feel that it would be easier (although bloody damn hard) to forgive than an affair.

gratefulforhelp_2

victory wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: I always have fancied melinda messenger for her bottom, so lovely:rotfl::D

Poor love, I'm not sure she's a happy bunny.

victory wrote: »

But where is the decison? It was not premeditated because when you first went out you had not made a decision how many pints to have, maybe which pub to go to, when you got there you didn't know she/he was going to be there as did not pre arranged to meet, while you were there talking you didn't make the decision to be there for x amount of time and on the evening goes...

You make the decision (even through an alcohol fog) NOT to listen to the warning bells.

If alcohol is an excuse for a one-night-stand, why is it not an excuse for domestic violence? (Not that I am for a minute suggesting it should be).

victory

I agree with everything you say polly I really don't think a one night stand could ever be as bad as a long drawn out secret affair

Wickedkitten

Taadaa wrote: »

Huhhhhhh I dunno.......I think that you can have love and a bit (or a lot) of bodice ripping in the same relationship. Love doesn't necessarily mean sharing a life without passion.

True, but you can also have that kind of passion without love.

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

I think I know where you are coming from.

One of my OH's closest friends is female. She's lovely, they have a laugh, they chat but I know it's all innocent and nothing more than friendship.

But there have been other women, who seemingly are only chatting and laughing with him, but I can see something more there too (even if he can't). Something in the way they look at him, or repeatedly touch his arm or whatever. I mostly try to ignore it, as I know he wouldn't do anything even if they would, but it still grates on me.

this happens to me too. I'm not a catch...sick and immobile much of the time, and put on weight when got ill....but DH is...he is really very, very lovely. Girls adore him and a lot of his closest friends are girls. But so be it. The relationship with his female friends changed a little....e.g. we met in our early twenties and dh was used to sharing a single bed in halls of residence with some of his female friends ...that onviously is no longer acceptable in the changed context, but I have no problem with them touching him on the arm or hugging him....because I believe he loves me. I do get the impression that some of the younger, very grogeous women he works with are surprised by me...but hey ho, he picked me.

dh and one of my casual exes get on quite well, but similarly, dh wouldn';t like it if I went to stay there/had him here alone while he was away I don't think. Not that we'd act on anything, just...why lay coals to walk over?

Joolee

everyone is different and its not fair that people use the old cake and eat it lines or suggest he will never leave or even do it to you.........my partner has just left his wife after a 2 yr relationship with him.......its been an absolute horrendous time for everyone involved.
I know if he was asked and could turn back the clock he wouldnt have not met me but e4qually i know he never wants to go through anything like this again.
The reason I held on in hope was becasue after 3 months he said he wanted to be with me. If, after 2 yrs the subject hadnt been brought up by him i dont think i would have been able to hang on...
i hope this helps you - pm if you like

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

But where is the decison? It was not premeditated because when you first went out you had not made a decision how many pints to have, maybe which pub to go to, when you got there you didn't know she/he was going to be there as did not pre arranged to meet, while you were there talking you didn't make the decision to be there for x amount of time and on the evening goes...

yep, I understand that - but the next bit, walking her home? Thats a decision made right there, thats not going with the flow, surely?

I believe in equality within a relationship in circumstances like these - ie if its not okay for me to do it (in my OH's opinion) then its not okay for him to do it either. Thats always been my stand, and I really think it always will be.

Errata

balletshoes wrote: »

I believe in equality within a relationship in circumstances like these - ie if its not okay for me to do it (in my OH's opinion) then its not okay for him to do it either. Thats always been my stand, and I really think it always will be.

Something that could be applied to PTN's relationship: if it's not ok for her to sleep with other men, it's not ok for the married bloke she's having a relationship with to do so.

Frogletina

victory wrote: »

I agree with everything you say polly I really don't think a one night stand could ever be as bad as a long drawn out secret affair

My partner told me about 4 'one night stands'- opportunity, lust (he says he never made the running, just responded) - he was never going to leave me, I was the one he wanted to come home to! It was only one every two or three years!

He felt he had to tell me, expected me to understand. I didn't want him to leave me, he didn't want to stop having one night stands.

In the end, he chose to leave and live the life of a single man. I was at an age that I felt I couldn't begin again, and he said that delayed him making a decision (how kind of him!)

But guess what - the young women he wanted to persue have eluded him, and I've had the time of my life with some lovely younger single men! :j